Want a Positive Sense of Identity? Share Your Weaknesses

Know thyself.

Socrates

Who are you, Lord, and who am I?

St. Francis of assisi

The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.

Carl Jung

Discovering an authentic and unflinching sense of self has long been a key pursuit of philosophy, religion, and psychology. My own true identity is something I’ve been consciously seeking for decades with varied success. It often feels like I take two steps forward and one step back. Surge up the hill one day and slide down the next. It’s a frustrating yet incredibly rewarding journey. I truly believe finding and living from my true identity is key to my peace, healing, joy and best life.

I’ve written frequently about the importance of finding your identity (see here and here) but not always as vulnerably as I should have. The following reflection from author Henri Nouwen really challenged me (you can sign up for a daily email excerpt of Henri’s writing here). I see myself in his words. To share my weaknesses, failures, and growth edges is difficult for me. I like to present to my friends and family, my readers, even God and myself an in control, on-top-of-everything version of me.

But that’s not reality. I’m a mixed bag. Most days are good, even great, in my effort to live out of an awakened, grounded sense of personal identity. Other days I’m far afield, lost in the fog, wondering where my confidence and joy went.

I realize now that those “off days” are normal and okay. Admitting my struggles to my wife, my accountability partner, close friends, you, and God is one of the best ways I’ve found to lead me back to myself. In addition, that kind of vulnerability brings us together, and sometimes even helps others find themselves too.

So, as Henri challenged me below, I’ll continue to share more of my failures as well as my successes. I hope you find yourself in his words too, and that they encourage you to share more vulnerably with those around you. If you do, you’ll find you are not alone in your struggles, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Sharing our Weakness by Henri Nouwen

Over the last few years I have been increasingly aware that true healing mostly takes place through the sharing of weakness. Mostly we are so afraid of our weaknesses that we hide them at all cost and thus make them unavailable to others but also often to ourselves. And, in this way, we end up living double lives even against our own desires: one life in which we present ourselves to the world, to ourselves, and to God as a person who is in control and another life in which we feel insecure, doubtful, confused, and anxious and totally out of control. The split between these two lives causes us a lot of suffering. I have become increasingly aware of the importance of overcoming the great chasm between these two lives and am becoming more and more aware that facing, with others, the reality of our existence can be the beginning of a truly free life.

It is amazing in my own life that true friendship and community became possible to the degree that I was able to share my weaknesses with others. Often I became aware of the fact that in the sharing of my weaknesses with others, the real depths of my human brokenness and weakness and sinfulness started to reveal themselves to me, not as a source of despair but as a source of hope. As long as I try to convince myself or others of my independence, a lot of my energy is invested in building up my own false self. But once I am able to truly confess my most profound dependence on others and on God, I can come in touch with my true self and real community can develop.

This excerpt is from the Daily Meditation by the Henri Nouwen Society on July 27, 2021 henrinouwen.org, taken from “You are the Beloved”by Henri J.M. Nouwen© 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books.