Becoming Yourself Together

It came as tragedies often do – unexpectedly. I was setting up for an Easter music rehearsal at the church where I would be singing when a member of the band came in looking exhausted. He’d gotten a call just six hours earlier that his good friend and brother-in-law had gone into the hospital for a routine, out-patient procedure that morning and died on the table. A simple biopsy led to internal bleeding, and suddenly he was gone. 

The rest of the band gathered around him as he shared the story and told us how he was feeling. We did what friends do. We listened. We prayed for him and his family. We hugged him. Told him we loved him and were there for him. As we finally gathered our instruments to start rehearsal, he simply said, “Thank God for community.”

Isn’t that true? In moments like that, when life turns sideways, we’re reminded of how good it is to have people around us. To know and be known. To love and be loved. It helps in good times too. Having people to share victories with makes them all the sweeter. I’ve heard it said that sorrows shared are halved and joys shared are multiplied. I think that’s about right. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about community lately. My wife Lisa and I have been discussing where and how we want to live in this next season of life. Our son Kilian is a graphic designer in Sacramento and our daughter Kennedy heads to New York in a few months to pursue acting after her college graduation. We live in Phoenix in a house that’s more than we need for just the two of us. As an author, Lisa can work from anywhere, and as a contract church musician moving into novel and personal development writing, I have a lot of flexibility as well. Do we move near one of the kids? Downsize to a condo in Arizona? Stay in our current house so we have room for visits from potential future grandchildren?

I’ve found that as we weigh the pros and cons of each option, one of the most significant factors for me is community. We’ve been in the Phoenix area for more than 13 years, and I’ve developed deep, life-giving friendships. The kind that only develop with time and effort. Ones that I would not surrender lightly. 

It’s about more than just having someone to hang out with. Even more than having people who will hold me up in the hard times and share my joy when life is good. It’s about the kind of person I want to be. I’ve come to learn that I can’t become myself alone. I can’t fully develop into my true self without other people. Friends who help me discover the best in me. Who challenge me to smooth out my rough edges. Who encourage me to grow into the deepest, truest, most satisfying, and joyful version of myself.

That kind of community comes with a price. Relationships are messy, time consuming, and sometimes exhausting. There’s always the risk of being hurt or disappointed. But I wouldn’t want to live my life any other way. I’ve found that the benefits far outweighs the costs. My life is richer, more satisfying, and more joyful because of the people close to me. And I’m a better person too.

So what about you? Do have real relationships? With friends you can count on and who can count on you? Are you being intentional about developing and maintaining a community of people who have access to the real you? Who have permission to speak into your life?

If you want to grow in this area, you may need to reach out to family or old friends who have drifted away. Or maybe you can seek out real relationships at work or a church or a club or a class. My son Kilian found community in his new city by going to “Game of Thrones” and Bar Trivia groups posted on meetup.com. Whatever it is for you, I encourage you to take that first step. Reach out. Cultivate new relationships. Develop the ones you already have. Be intentional. Open up. Go deeper. Build real community. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.