A recent hectic season reminded me of a story a story I originally posted Sept 29, 2018:
I was making the bed when it happened. As I reached over to adjust the sheets, a stabbing pain seized my lower back. The pain literally dropped me to my knees. My wife helped me to my feet, and I sat on the edge of the bed bewildered by this unexpected event. Then I remembered that, in prepping for our upcoming move to California, I had spent long hours over the last three days sitting on the floor sorting through a decade’s worth of papers and memorabilia. My back was reminding me that I’m forty-nine, not twenty-nine. I had reached a physical limit.
As I sat in a chair with a heat wrap on my back, I found myself thinking about my limitations – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. My back going out is an obvious example of a physical limitation and a hard one to ignore. But other limits aren’t so clear. I recently have been talking with someone close to me who has an extraordinary emotional capacity, but, in the face of ongoing difficult circumstances, has finally had to admit that he’s reached his emotional limits.
Seeing someone I respect so much reach that point reminded me that one sign of wisdom and maturity is having the willingness to say, “I can’t. I’ve reached my limit.” Far from being a sign of weakness, this shows the self-awareness and humility necessary for personal growth.
Let me pause here to acknowledge that saying, “I can’t,” can be a cop out. It can be abused, rationalized, and used as an excuse to avoid doing things that are hard, beneficial, and necessary. Claiming to have reached our limits can be a crutch for not facing our own fears and insecurities. No-one ever succeeded in doing anything great without repeatedly pushing themselves past what felt like their limits. Think of earning a PhD, running a marathon, or facing a past trauma. All of these achievements are good and healthy yet require going beyond what the participant formerly thought was mentally, physically, or emotionally possible.
So how do you know the difference? When is saying, “Enough,” wisdom and when is it a cop out? How do you know when to step back and when to step up? There’s no perfect way to answer this question. It’s unique to every person and to each circumstance. That said, here are some questions to ask yourself that, if you answer with complete honesty, can help:
1. Is the pain I’m experiencing out of my control or a product of my own choices? Let’s say you were comfortable financially in a job you enjoyed but decided to take a stressful promotion with long hours. Now your family relationships and your health are suffering. You’re exhausted and feel at your limits. What’s the cause? Your choices. You may need to step back and make different decisions. That might mean talking to your boss or even finding a new job. Now imagine that three months ago you were diagnosed with cancer. You’re dealing with the side effects of chemo, lost income from missed work, and an uncertain future. In this scenario, you also feel like you’re at your limits, but the cause is completely outside of your control. There’s really no way out but through. You probably need to step up.
2. Is pushing myself helping me reach a worthy goal or just causing pain without benefit? If your goal is to make your country’s Olympic Team, pushing yourself past your previous physical limits makes sense. In that case, step up. But if you’re pushing yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually in a way that negatively impacts other areas of your life with no clear goal in mind, you should stop and analyze what’s driving you. Is it pride? An attempt to impress others or measure up to someone else’s ideals for you? Are you running from a problem in your life that you don’t want to deal with? If you do have a worthy goal, is it worth what it’s costing you? Depending on your answer to these questions, you may need to step back.
3. Are people close to me affirming my behavior or expressing concern? When we’re in stressful situations that cause us to question our limits, it’s often very difficult to see ourselves clearly. We need people around us who have our best interests in mind to give us objective feedback. I was recently sharing a difficult decision that I was facing with my long time accountability partner. He used an analogy of football coaches that really helped me. He explained how the role of the coaches on the field differs from that of the coaches sitting high up in the stadium box. The coaches on the field have the benefit of being close to the action, but their view is limited. The ones in the box are further away from the contest but can see the entire field. Combining the two perspectives yields better decision making. Your perspective from being in the heat of battle is helpful and valid but limited. Listening to other respected perspectives can help you see your situation more clearly. If people in your circle of trust are giving you the green light, you may need to step up and push through your situation. If the ones who love you enough to speak hard truths are expressing concern, you may be wise to step back.
4. In quiet moments, do I feel at peace and satisfied or overwhelmed and depressed? To start, make sure you actually have quiet moments. When we’re at our limits, we often don’t make time for reflection, either because we’re driving ourselves too hard or because we’re afraid of the truths we’ll have to face if do. When you are in those silent times, take an honest assessment of your emotional status. If you’re tired but have a real sense of peace and accomplishment, then it’s probably healthy to step up and keep going. If you’re exhausted, overwhelmed and depressed, it’s probably time to step back and make some changes.
5. If the circumstances driving me are out of my control, are there resources I can turn to for help? This can be really hard for some of us. We like to think of ourselves as self-sufficient. We hate to appear weak or needy. But guess what? We’re all weak and needy sometimes. That’s part of being human. Being willing to admit that you need help is a sign of strength and courage. Reach out to a friend, family member, coworker, God, pastor, and/or counselor for help. If you’re hesitant, remember that your vulnerability can free those around you to admit their own struggles. Think of how good you feel when you give meaningful help to a friend. Are you going to be selfish and deny them that same feeling? Whenever I turn down my accountability partner’s offer of help, he effectively reminds me of this truth by saying, “Don’t steal my blessing!”
So the next time you’re feeling at your limits, take some time to ask yourself these questions. Answer them honestly. Be courageously vulnerable. Accept help. Give yourself grace. Take action. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
The Lord said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”
The Bible, 2nd Corinthians 12:9 (New Living Version)