Relationship Struggles? Decide if it’s Ballast or Baggage

They’re cheesy. Totally predictable. Usually unrealistic. And sometimes surprisingly wise.

During a recent visit with my parents, we watched a Hallmark movie. For those unfamiliar, these are family friendly, made for TV, romantic movies shown on the Hallmark channel. Classic “boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back” plot lines. Always a happy ending.

In Roadhouse Romance, our heroine, who recently returned to her quaint hometown, was caught in a love triangle with two suitors—the enigmatic big-city stranger and her former long-time sweetheart. In describing her recent date with her old boyfriend, she said, “I’m trying to decide if he’s ballast or baggage. One keeps you grounded, the other holds you back.”

All relationships change over time. Be they romantic, friendship, family, work-related or something else, relationships move like ships on the ocean. Sometimes they plow ahead full throttle, sometimes they drift aimlessly, sometimes they drag their anchors.

When a relationship hits the proverbial rocks, ask yourself this question: is the relationship ballast or baggage? Does it provide you with mental or emotional stability, grounding you deeper into the kind of person you want to be? Does it help you move in the direction of your dreams and goals? Or does the relationship weigh you down? Has it become an anchor that needs to be released in order for you to move on? 

Two important things to remember as you wrestle with those questions:

1. People are not objects to be used for personal gain.

We’ve all seen or been victims of people who used a relationship purely for their own temporary advantage. Once they got what they wanted, be it career advancement, sex, a favor, information, etc., they discarded the other person. That is horribly manipulative and damaging and not what I’m talking about here. Nor am I advocating selfishly discarding one’s marriage or family to “find yourself” or because you believe they are “holding you back.” Being honest with yourself and others about your true motivations is key.

2. Many relationships have seasons.

While healthy connections with family members are examples of relationships that act as life-long ballast, others are only meant for a season. They act as ballast in one period of your life but become baggage in another. Many romantic relationships, high school and college friendships, and work-specific connections are of this type. You enter into them with hope and good intentions. For awhile, they are mutually life-giving as you help each other learn and grow.

Then change comes. You discover that you have different values or grow in different directions or you graduate or change jobs or move away. Some of these relationships may survive significant change and continue as wonderful ballast, but those will likely be the exceptions. There is a temptation to cling to a relationship whose season has ended out familiarity, codependency, a desire to avoid conflict, or the fear of being alone. Such a relationship then becomes baggage, hindering you from moving on. Far better to acknowledge that the relationship has run its course, be grateful for the gift it has been to you, and respectfully let it go.

So when you have a relationship that is giving you pause, ask the hard question: is it ballast or baggage? Answer honestly. Seek trusted advice. Then dig in and do the work or graciously bid it farewell. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.