The Three Lies of Identity

As a blogger, I often have no idea of the impact of something I write. While that can be emotionally challenging at times, putting thoughts I hope may be helpful to someone out into the universe and letting them have a life of their own is just part of this endeavor. Every so often, I get a glimpse of a post’s reach. Earlier this week, a post I published six months ago (July 9, 2022) suddenly took off. Someone apparently found it, shared it, and a lot of people (for me) read it. I decided to take that as a sign and share it again here in hopes that it helps you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

I’m a sucker for a good lie.

I fall for them more often than I should. Not for phishing scams trying to get my money, but for deeper, more subtle, more devious lies. Lies about who I am, about my True Self, about my identity.

The late author and Harvard professor Henri Nouwen defined Three Identity Lies that most of us fall for:

1. I am what I have 

Billions of marketing dollars are spent every year to reinforce this lie. If you have more, bigger, and better stuff, that means you’re successful, important, and worthwhile. If we’re honest and live long enough, most of us will concede that no amount of material things will be enough to truly define us in a lasting, fulfilling way.

2.  I am what I do 

This is perhaps the most accepted of the identity lies. When asked who we are, we often refer to a job, career, or position—I am a doctor / parent / sanitation worker / author / athlete / factory worker / homemaker / fill in the blank. But what happens when you loose your job? Get injured? Retire? Your children move out? Who are you then? This applies to hobbies and volunteer activities as well. When the role we use to define ourselves is no longer there, the reality of this lie comes crashing down on us.

3.  I am what others think of me 

If I’m praised and respected, I’m a good person. If I’m chastised and mocked, I’m a bad person. When put so blatantly, most of us would reject this lie intellectually, but that doesn’t stop us from buying into it emotionally and subconsciously. From a young age, we learn to change how we present ourselves in order to gain affirmation from others. It becomes so ingrained that we’re hardly aware that we’re placing our identity in others’ hands, allowing them to define who we think we are.

What then is an appropriate basis of our identity, a solid foundation for our True Self? Something deep. Something unshakeable. Something lasting. For me, it is this: I am God’s child. No matter what happens in my life, that identity is secure. Relationships can come and go, my career can change, money can be lost, my health can plummet, people can cheer me or jeer me, tragedy can strike, but none of that can disrupt my foundational identity.

My particular choice of identity may not work for you. You may have different spiritual beliefs or no spiritual beliefs at all. I completely respect that. My encouragement to you is to find the deepest anchor point you can for your identity, one that is not subject to the Three Lies.

What beliefs truly define you? Which of the Three Identity Lies trip you up? Remind yourself of them often. See yourself with clear eyes. Choose an unshakeable identity worthy of the incredible person you are. If you do, you’ll find peace and security, and you’ll take a giant leap toward Becoming Yourself.