Avoiding the Trap of Self-Rejection

It was a painful realization.

Many years ago, the independent church I was working for as the music leader became a satellite campus of a much larger church. I went from heading up the most visible department to being one small part of a huge music staff. Rightly, my role, responsibility, and importance dropped dramatically.

In many ways, it was a wonderful relief. In others, it was a difficult transition. I’d been the righthand person to the lead pastor my entire career. Sat in all the important meetings. Had a voice in every big decision. Led the weekend experience. Now I did none of those things.

As I adapted to my new role, it would have been easy to slip into a dark place. To feel unneeded. Unwanted. To listen to the subtle voice in my head that whispered, “You’re too old. Out of touch. In the way.” I was tempted to give in to self-rejection.

But I didn’t. After a lot of reflection, reading, and wrestling through my feelings with God and those closest to me, I came to honestly believe that my role did not define me or my worth. I’d always given lip-service to that perspective, but it had never been put to the test. I was able to reground myself in my foundational identity as God’s child, independent of my career, relationships, or social standing. It was a hard fight, but incredibly freeing.

Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. . . . As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.” . . . My dark side says, “I am no good. . . . I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned.”

Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.

henri nouwen

Where are you susceptible to self-rejection? Your marriage? Appearance? Career? Finances? Relationships? Accomplishments? Social status? Get quiet. Breathe deep. Look inside. Remember that those external markers do not define you. You are beautiful. Valued. Prized. Anchor your worth in something truer and deeper. If you do, you’ll find real freedom, and you’ll take a giant step toward Becoming Yourself.

As featured in the Jan 10, 2024 Daily Meditation from the Henri Nouwen Society. Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books.