Becoming yourself takes courage. After my last post (Becoming Yourself Together) on the importance of authentic community, a reader reached out to me with a question. He said he’s been going through a really difficult season and had stepped away from some important relationships in his life. The challenge to pursue authentic community hit him hard, and he asked for some practical advice on how to reengage. That took courage. Courage both to acknowledge his need for change and to reach out for help. He definitely has my respect.
For him and any others with that same question, here are some practical ideas on how to engage in community:
1. Ask Your Higher Power – if this isn’t your thing, no problem. Move on to the next step. If you have one, start by asking your higher power for help and guidance in finding community. For me, that has meant talking with God about my desire for life-giving, authentic relationships and asking for His direction.
2. Be Intentional – put yourself in situations where community has a chance to develop. Go to neighborhood gatherings. Join a team. Take a class. Volunteer with an organization. Plug into a church. Try a meetup.com group that sounds interesting to you. Eat lunch with co-workers. Go where people are and engage with them. Introduce yourself. Ask them about their lives.
Sitting in your living room waiting for community to happen isn’t going to work. Even though I’m an introvert, I stop and introduce myself to neighbors while out running. Take cookies to new people who move into my area. Volunteer regularly with a charitable organization. Play in a band at a church. Initiate monthly gatherings with some author friends. Schedule poker nights. Through all these efforts, I’ve been able to find really wonderful community. Life is busy. People are busy. If you don’t step up and initiate connections, it probably wont happen. Make time for the things that are important.
3. Give First – authentic community takes time, effort and sacrifice. Sometimes it starts by you giving first. Offer to help a co-worker move. Lend a hand to a neighbor landscaping their yard. Volunteer with a charitable organization you believe in. Do what someone else wants to do when they want to do it. Look for ways to help others. As you do, you’ll spend time with people which allows potential relationships to form or deepen. When they do, you’ll probably start finding yourself on the receiving end as your new friends give back to you.
4. Be Vulnerable – real, life-giving relationships require vulnerability. If all you talk about with people is sports and the weather, you’ll be stuck with shallow acquaintances. For authentic community to develop, you’ve got to open up. Share the hard stuff. Admit your struggles. Talk about your real feelings. It’s intimidating, risky, and scary, I know, but when I’ve taken the first step and shown my willingness to “go there”, I’ve found that people usually reciprocate. A few examples:
a. My wife Lisa and I get together regularly with a few other author couples to hang out, have dinner, and talk about the ups and downs of author life. One evening, we went to a new level of community when I chose to share my story. I told them about the significant events in my life that had shaped me as a person, both good and bad. The beautiful thing is that I was not only completely loved, accepted and supported by them, but that we have started taking turns with a different person sharing their story each time we get together. We now have a deeper intimacy and trust in our friendships.
b. I’ve had an accountability partner for over 15 years. A friend I meet with regularly to talk about life. Someone I open up to. Share my struggles with. Tell them the kind of person I want to be and ask for their help. Give them permission to ask me hard questions and speak into my life. It’s an incredible, tank-filling relationship. I was invited into this by my first accountability partner, and I learned about the power of this kind of relationship. When my job took me to a new state, I asked one of my new work friends to take on that role. When he moved away a few years later, I asked a different friend if he would step up. Over ten years, that partnership has become second only to my relationships with God and my wife and kids. Our lunches are one of the highlights of my week. I have that relationship because I asked for it. I admitted that I need help to become the kind of person I want to be and discovered that he desired the same thing.
5. Maintain – once achieved, community won’t just coast on auto-pilot. Like a regular oil change is required to keep your car running smoothly, authentic relationships require attention. Ignore them and they will start to fade. Don’t let this happen to you! You did all the work – enjoy the fruits of your labor. Give regular time and consideration to your meaningful relationships, and they will pay huge dividends.
So how about it? Do you have authentic community? Which of these steps do you need to take to find or develop real, life-giving relationships? Decide to make that effort today. If you do, you’ll take another huge step toward Becoming Yourself.