I recently had some dating friends ask me what the “secret” was to my twenty-seven year marriage with my wife Lisa. Rather than give an off the cuff answer, we decided to get the four of us together to discuss it. Since then, I’ve been thinking about how I would answer that question. What are some of the keys to developing and maintaining not just a marriage, but any healthy, long-term relationship? As I shared in my last post, one key is intentionality, taking specific actions toward the goal of building the relationship.
The second relationship key I want to share is a little slipperier. Harder to pin down. Constantly moving and adjusting. Often unspoken and unrealized, even to ourselves. What is it?
What are expectations? They’re the assumptions we have about the way things will be. What’s going to happen. How life is going to work out. They can be good or bad, realistic or crazy. Our brains are loaded with expectations about everything from the weather, to how our career is going to develop, to how good a movie will be.
Relationships are no exception. We all have relational expectations whether we’re aware of them or not. They’re influenced by a lot of things – how we were raised, the relational experiences we’ve had, the relationships we’ve observed first hand, even what we’ve read about or seen on TV and in movies. We have built in, usually subconscious expectations of what our relationships will be or should be like.
So here’s the big problem:
Think of any problem in a relationship, and you can usually trace it back to an unmet expectation. It might be about sex, handling money, punctuality, cleanliness, work ethic, religion, child raising, communication, how you spend the weekends, you name it. We all have expectations about how those things will or should go in a marriage / dating / friendship / family / fill in the blank type of relationship. When our expectations are the same as those of our partner, things are usually smooth. When they’re not, we have problems.
So what’s the solution?
What do I mean by that? Let’s start with three ways you might be managing your relational expectations poorly:
Now let’s look at three ways you can counter those problems and manage your relational expectations well:
So how are you doing with managing your relational expectations? Are any of your expectations UNCLEAR, UNREALISTIC, or UNSPOKEN? Are you ready to IDENTIFY, BALANCE, and SHARE them? If you are, dive in! Put in the effort. It takes some work upfront, but the benefits are amazing and long lasting. You’ll feel the tension drain away from your relationships and enjoy a peace and closeness you never thought possible. You can do this! And if you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.
This post was originally published February 16, 2019.
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