Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Find Healing by Embracing Your Wounds

SPECIAL NOTE: I’m on book tour in October and may be in your area. I’d love to meet you! If interested, see details at the bottom of this post.

Being human means being wounded. 

The world is beautiful and deadly. Life is wonderful and painful. Simply existing eventually leads to hurt. 

The question is this—how will we choose to deal with our wounds? Richard Rohr rightly said that those who do not transform their pain transmit their pain. Hurt people hurt people. It’s up to us to acknowledge our wounds, grieve well, and use the experience to deepen our becoming.

But how can we do that? Each of us must find our own path. Therapy can help. Talking vulnerably with trusted friends can help. Prayer can help. Serving others can help.

Ultimately, we must allow ourselves to feel our pain. We can’t stuff it, avoid it, sanitize it, or numb it. We must face it. Experience it. Go through it. 

Author and teacher Henri Nouwen put it this way:

You have been wounded in many ways. The more you open yourself to being healed, the more you will discover how deep your wounds are…. The great challenge is living your wounds through instead of thinking them through. It is better to cry than to worry, better to feel your wounds deeply than to understand them, better to let them enter into your silence than to talk about them. The choice you face constantly is whether you are taking your hurts to your head or to your heart. In your head you can analyze them, find their causes and consequences, and coin words to speak and write about them. But no final healing is likely to come from that source. You need to let your wounds go down to your heart. Then you can live through them and discover that they will not destroy you. Your heart is greater than your wounds.

As you encounter your wounds, take a breath. Face them. Name them. Talk them through with your trusted circle and your Higher Power. Allow yourself to feel them deeply. Then take their lessons and let them go. If you do, you’ll find growth and healing, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

SPECIAL NOTE: I’ll be on book tour with my author wife Lisa McMann from Oct 11-26, 2024 with events in Arizona, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Colorado, and Texas. I’d love to meet you. For details, see the graphic below or visit my website HERE.

As featured in the Daily Meditation from The Henri Nouwen Society. Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books.

Use Autumn to Reflect

There’s something special about autumn.

The crisp air. The vibrant purple, red, and gold leaves. A steaming cup of tea. A crackling fire. An artful display of pumpkins, cornstalks, and apples.

Autumn has been my favorite season since childhood. Now that the calendar has flipped to October, I’ve been thinking about why I enjoy this time of year so much.

There’s a preciousness to fall that heightens its delights. I know these magical days are fleeting. The long lazy days of summer are over and the cold dark winter lies ahead. It makes me want to savor this season.

Autumn is a time of reflection. Its transitional nature encourages me to ponder my life. What seasons have come and gone? Which has most recently waned and which one awaits? Where do I find myself now?

The last year an a half has been a time of intense change in my career, family, and way of living (I wrote about those changes here). The current season for my wife Lisa and me is dominated by adapting to our new nomadic lifestyle. Three months ago, we finished selling our condo, our rental houses, and almost all our possessions. We now live in hotels, AirBnbs, and with friends and family throughout the US, and we’ll soon be heading abroad. 

At times I wonder if we’re crazy. This way of life is so different than anything we’ve done before, and the challenges are real. But overall, we’re loving the freedom, spontaneity, variety, and relational connections that nomadic life provides. In the frustrating times, I think of how proud I am of us for taking the leap into this dream we’ve had for so long, and remind myself we can always plant roots again if we choose.

What reflections is this autumn season stirring in you? Take time to ponder. Wander a wood, a park, a lane. Look back on the seasons of your life. Observe honestly where you are now. Gaze at what lies ahead. Practice gratitude for it all. Let the insights you gain guide your path. If you do, you’ll experience a deep joy this autumn, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself. 

A Simple Way to Help a Loved One in Pain

I’m a fixer.

In response to a frustration, hurt, or problem in a loved one’s life, my first instinct is to fix it. To solve it. To make it go away.

But for some of the deepest struggles in life, there is no fix. No solve. No solution. There is only acceptance. Endurance. Embracing. Sharing. Supporting. This is where real love and true friendship are shown. 

When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not-knowing, not-curing, not-healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is the friend who cares.

henri nouwen

When a friend is struggling, it gives me hope knowing I don’t have to have sage advice or just the right words of comfort. What matters most is my willingness to walk the dark road beside them.

So when a loved one is in pain, simply show up. Be there. Embrace the silence. Admit that you don’t know what you don’t know. If you do, you’ll provide a deep comfort, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published July 8, 2023.

From the June 23, 2023 daily mediation from The Henri Nouwen Society

Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books.

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