Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Serve or Play? A Tension to Be Managed

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

E. B. White, author of Charlotte’s Web

I’m an incredibly privileged person. 

I’m married to my best friend. I have two awesome adult kids and small group of close friends. I’m fairly healthy, especially for age fifty-five. I have my dream job of being an author and the freedom to travel the world while I work.

Those are wonderful gifts that I’m incredibly grateful for. That said, I’ve found the flip side of all that goodness is guilt. Why do I have this great life when so many are struggling? Should I give away all my money and work in a homeless shelter? What is my part in alleviating suffering in the world? 

It’s true that I’ve worked hard to get where I am. I’ve made sacrifices. Gave my best to establish a good marriage and raise my kids well. Struggled to develop my skills in multiple creative careers. Studied finance and investing. Practiced delayed gratification.

But I’ve also been wildly fortunate. I’ve been given talents and opportunities that I did nothing to earn. I’ve had my fair share of difficulties and pain, but I’ve also dodged countless misfortunes that have plagued others who didn’t deserve them.

So how should I balance my enjoyment of life with helping others?

The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.

Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker’s ABC

It’s sometimes tempting to throw myself into some noble cause just so I don’t feel guilty anymore. But I’ve tried that, and it didn’t work out well. I’ve given lots of money, worked with AIDs orphans in Zambia, served in multiple food pantries, donated many pints of blood, given food and clothing to people I’ve met on the street. Those are great and worthwhile things, and I’m glad I’ve done them. But none of them felt like me. 

My first career of twenty-six years was spent in various churches, helping people as best I could by leading music and teaching. For that season, it felt right, like I was where I was supposed to be. Since I transitioned to writing about seven years ago, I’ve had the same feeling of rightness, that I’m where I belong.

But I still struggle. Am I doing enough? While I do a few other small charitable endeavors, writing is my main focus. The Buechner quote above reminds me that doing what I love IS serving. That sharing my hard-won lessons in this blog does make the path a little easier for some. That helping kids discover a love of reading through my books really matters. That sharing the freedom my wife and I have found through letting go of possessions and living nomadically is a helpful perspective. 

…there are always problems to be solved and tensions to be managed. When you try to solve a tension, you create a problem.

Andy Stanley, author and speaker

I much prefer solving problems, but that Stanley quote reminds me that life is full of unavoidable tensions, especially if you’re a caring person with a personal development bent. The balance between serving others and enjoying life is one of those never-ending tensions.

So where do I land on this issue? We all have blessings. We all have obligations. We should all help others. We should all have fun. What’s the proper balance between serving and enjoying life? I have no idea. It seems to shift from season to season. In the end, I believe it’s something each of us needs to decide for ourselves.

Think of what you enjoy doing, what you love. Reflect on your passions, hobbies, areas of interest. Dive into those things. Savor the enjoyment they bring you. Look for ways those gifts and experiences can help others. If you do, you’ll manage the tension between serving and enjoying life, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Remember: You Are Amazing

I can be pretty hard on myself.

Growing up, I was convinced I had to be perfect. Impeccable grades. Never get in trouble. Don’t cause drama. Help everyone. The reasons I felt this way were a complicated mix of my personality, a misunderstanding of religious teaching, and our unique family dynamics.

Over the years, I’ve slowly unlearned that lie. Established healthier expectations. Given myself grace. Let myself be human. I still wrestle with perfectionism from time to time—I helped this person, but why didn’t I help that one too? I sold this many books, but why didn’t I sell more? I achieved this career goal, but why didn’t I achieve that one? I said something hurtful again—when will I learn?

Maybe that’s why the “You Are Amazing” message painted on the side of a building in our neighborhood jumped out at me. It has served as a healthy reminder, one that realigns my perspective and self-perception. I’m amazing? Really? Yes. I actually am.

Wherever you’re at right now, however you feel, whatever season you’re going through, remember this—you are amazing. You are incredibly valuable. You have great worth. Are you perfect? No. You’re human. But you are amazing, and with a little bit of intentionality and effort, you’ll become more amazing every day as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published Sept 9, 2023.

The Beautiful Marriage of Science and Spirituality

It never made sense to me. 

As someone who has had a spiritual bent all my life, the supposed conflict between science and religion always puzzled me. How could religion ignore the clear evidence of science? How could science claim to be the sole source of truth? Both areas seemed to shed light on my search for answers to the big questions of life—who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going?

I view faith and reason as two sides of the same coin. To reject either is like shutting one eye while gazing at a beautiful sunset—you’re not getting the full picture. 

This perspective was wonderfully summarized by author and teacher Richard Rohr in a recent Daily Meditation from his Center for Action and Contemplation. I hope it helps you on your journey toward Becoming Yourself. 

RICHARD ROHR:

The common scientific method relies on hypothesis, experiment, trial, and error. We might call this “practice” or “practices”! Yes, much of science is limited to the materialistic level, but at least the method is more open-ended and sincere than that of the many religious people who do no living experiments with faith, hope, and love, but just hang on to quotes and doctrines.  

Under normal circumstances, most scientists are willing to move forward with some degree of not-knowing; in fact, this is what calls them forward and motivates them. Every new discovery is affirmed while openness to new evidence that would tweak or even change the previous “belief” is maintained. In contrast, many religious people insist upon complete “knowing” at the beginning and being certain every step of the way. It actually keeps them more “rational,” “fact-based,” and controlling than the scientists. This is the dead end of most fundamentalist religion, and why it cannot deal with thorny issues in any creative or compassionate way. Law reigns and discernment is unnecessary. 

The scientific mind has come up with what seem like beliefs: for example, explanations of dark matter, black holes, chaos theory, fractals (the part replicates the whole), string theory, dark energy, neutrinos (light inside of the entire universe even where it appears to be dark), and atomic theory itself. Scientists investigate and teach on things like electromagnetism, radioactivity, field theory, and various organisms such as viruses and bacteria before they can actually “prove” they exist. They know them first by their effects, or the evidence, and then work backward to verify their existence. 

Even though the entire world has been captivated by the strict cause-and-effect worldview of Newtonian physics for several centuries, such immediately verifiable physics has finally yielded to quantum physics. While it isn’t directly visible to the ordinary observer, it ends up explaining much more—without needing to throw out the other. True transcendence always includes! 

It feels as if there are some scientists of each age who are brilliant, seemingly “right,” but also tentative—which creates a practical humility that we often do not see in clergy and “true believers.” A great scientist builds on a perpetual “beginner’s mind.” Many scientists believe in the reality of things that are invisible, and thus the active reality of a “spiritual” world, more than do many believers. Thus, although they might be “materialists,” they actually have the material world defined with an openness to a “spirit” that they themselves often cannot understand. Is this not “faith”? 

Maybe this is all summed up in these words of Saint John Paul II: “Science can purify religion from error and superstition; religion can purify science from idolatry and false absolutes. Each can draw the other into a wider world, a world in which both can flourish.” [1] So let’s walk forward with wide and rich sight! 

As shared in the Dec 3, 2024 Daily Meditation from the Center for Action and Contemplation (cac.org). [1] John Paul II to George V. Coyne, SJ, Director of the Vatican Observatory, June 1, 1988. Adapted from Richard Rohr, introduction to ONEING 2, no. 2, Evidence (Fall 2014): 13–14. Available in print and PDF download

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