Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Month: November 2020

Giving Thanks

November 28, 2020 / / 0 Comments

My good friend and fellow blogger Susan Stocker recently wrote such a compelling perspective on Thanksgiving that I decided to share it. I hope her words expand your view of the holiday and helps you take another step toward Becoming Yourself (you can subscribe to Susan’s wonderful blog here).

Can you believe we are fortunate enough to live in a country which sets aside a special day for THANKSGIVING??? Maybe that is the first thing for which we might be thankful! Of the 195 countries on this earth, only 17 have a celebrated Thanksgiving.

In 1621, fifty-three Pilgrims entertained ninety indigenous people who had helped them adapt to a new world, plant crops, learn to fish for strange and different fish, grind meal, make unusual crops eatable, build dwellings, hunt wildlife and, put simply, survive. For three days this assembly celebrated, feasted and learned from each other although everything about them was different, from language to customs to which fork to use for which course — just kidding about the forks! 

Next year our Thanksgiving will be the four hundredth such celebration. 

We might suppose this holiday has lasted because it’s built around food and eating ourselves into a coma. (Actually, I think that might be a modern addition to the original intent.) We might also assume that the giving of thanks was to God. That does not seem to be strictly true, either. These Pilgrims were English separatists who were breaking away from the church. Nonetheless, while they were surely thanking God, they also felt a need to thank the native peoples who had helped them live long enough for a celebration.

I think they were giving thanks to the American Indians who, instead of killing them, had welcomed these strange foreigners although earlier groups of Pilgrims, who had returned to Europe, had apparently kidnapped some of the “Indians” and taken them along back to England as slaves. Despite that, the inhabitants of the land — Native Americans never believed in such a concept as “owning” land — shared not only the land but their knowledge of how to live in harmony with the land.

That’s my understanding of how this whole gratitude day got started — gratuitously. The Native peoples asked nothing in return. They welcomed the refugees. “Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free,” was the invitation offered to the Pilgrims. We’ll help you find a home here. We’ll show you how to acclimate. “Mi casa y su casa.” My house is your house; my home is your home. “This land is your land, this land is my land.”

My friends… what do you think? How have we done four hundred years later in retaining the spirit of the celebration?

Maybe there’s a real opportunity for us this year when we are encouraged not to gather in the same way with the same crowd of people with the same limp phrases on our lips. Clearly, we need to sit out a year or a century and see if we can realign ourselves with the original meaning of a day of giving thanks. Maybe we can figure out a way to share with those who are different, diverse, disadvantaged, and disheartened. What a chance to reassess and re-design. What a possibility. 

I can’t help but believe nothing would please that God of ours more. I know that many of us, as parents ourselves, not THE parent that God is, just A parent, are pleased more than in any other way by watching our children live in harmony, happiness, gratitude toward each other and thankfulness with and for each other. Here are my three posing for a picture for their (thankful) mother.

Love, Susan

Susan Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.

How to Score a Triple Win for Yourself, Others and the World: Kindness

November 14, 2020 / / 0 Comments

I was tired.

Our recent move had left me frazzled as I worked my way through stacks of boxes and a long to-do list. With everything in our new condo finally in its place, I stared at the final pile – items to haul to Goodwill.

A large orange suitcase we hadn’t used in years caught my eye. It reminded me of the type used by the community of unhoused people who shelter each night alongside a building across the street. I wondered if I should offer it to one of them instead. While the idea felt intimidating, here I was in the comfort of this wonderful place while some of my new neighbors were sleeping on concrete in the cold a mere fifty yards away. Such a small act of kindness wasn’t asking much of me.

Swallowing my nerves, I grabbed the suitcase and headed outside. As I crossed the street, one gentleman eyed the suitcase eagerly. I said hello to the group and asked if this would be useful to anyone. The man I’d first seen excitedly raised his hand. I stepped toward him just as someone further down the row called, “We’ll take the suitcase!”

I looked over and my heart sank. A young couple sat beside a large pile of belongings with nothing to carry them in. My oversized wheeled suitcase would have been perfect for them. I apologized, explaining that the single man had asked first. Leaving the suitcase with the gentleman, I went over to the couple and offered some warm clothes and a blanket I’d brought with me. They accepted them gratefully.

Back in our condo, I told my wife Lisa what happened. She immediately went to our closet and came back with another roller suitcase, one we’d been planning to keep. She said it was smaller, but maybe it would still help. Second suitcase in tow, I headed back outside.

As I approached the group, I was surprised to see the large orange suitcase next to the young couple. I turned to the man I’d given it to and asked, “Did you give them the suitcase?” He nodded. “That was very kind of you,” I said as I gave him the second case.

I walked away in amazement. That gentleman, in a desperate situation, had been sincerely excited to receive the orange suitcase. He had no idea another one was coming, yet he gave his gift away to a couple who needed it more. His generosity was far greater than mine. I returned home feeling hopeful and energized, my weariness forgotten.

Kindness is a powerful thing. When we choose to act on it, kindness facilitates a rare win-win-win: it helps the person we’re kind to. It helps others when that person pays it forward. And it helps us.

Now more than ever, it’s easy to focus on the worst in people and our world, but take hope – there is still goodness, kindness, and generosity to be found. Choose to participate in it. Be a wildflower in a snowfield, a flickering candle guiding a weary traveler home.

What small act of kindness can you do today? Maybe it’s a phone call to a lonely relative or bringing food to an elderly neighbor. It could be writing a thank you note to an essential worker or sending flowers to loved one or donating to a charity or volunteering at your local food bank. Whatever it is, push through the stress and fatigue so many of us are feeling these days and choose be kind. If you do, you’ll help make a better world for others and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Idea Lab or Echo Chamber? The Choice Will Change Your Life (and the World)

November 7, 2020 / / 2 Comments

The recent election season here in the United States revealed deep divisions in our country. Now that it’s (mostly) over and we’re either celebrating or lamenting, each of us has a choice – help deepen the divide or help facilitate healing. That reality reminded me of a story I wrote about in the following post originally published in December 2019.

While serving lunch at a homeless shelter recently, I got into a discussion with another volunteer about politics. A seventy-year old white man was sharing some of his political beliefs, and I said that I saw things differently. We began to dialog, debating our views on government-funded social programs designed to help even the economic playing field. I said that my perspective was influenced by a realization of my privilege – that I have economic and social perks in America simply because I’m a white male. Due to some biases built into the institutions and norms of our culture, I have unearned advantages, especially when compared to a woman of color. The person I was talking with disagreed with my assessment.

I am not writing to denigrate this man or his viewpoint. This individual faithfully volunteers at the homeless shelter and regularly leads teams to other countries to drill wells for people without clean water. He is a caring, compassionate, giving person whom I happen to disagree with on some political and social issues.

The reason I share this encounter is because of how it ended. Our discussion was brought to a close by my shift starting and his ending, but as we parted, he said something that surprised me: “This was good. I like talking to people who have different opinions about things because that’s how I learn.” We parted as friends, with waves and smiles.

It is no secret that we live in a highly divided time. On every level, be it global, country, state, city, or family, on a wide variety of social, economic, religious, and political issues, people disagree with each other. Strongly. Often these disagreements are shared with bitterness, anger, and hatred, characterizing people on the other side of an issue as stupid, callous, or evil. I get it. I have strong opinions about many “hot button issues” and am tempted to exhibit that same behavior. But is that type of dialog good or even helpful?

To be clear, I am not suggesting that we should look the other way or “all just get along.” Some beliefs and behavior finding support today are horribly destructive and deserve to be fiercely challenged. There are indeed some bad actors who knowingly trumpet harmful views for their own benefit, but often we assign malicious intent to everyone who holds a particular differing opinion when in many cases the cause may be simple ignorance. Or sometimes, as hard as it is for us to remember, we may be the ones in the wrong. And even when we are right, often the combative, dismissive, or condescending way we challenge an idea or behavior we disagree with only fuels the tension and deepens the divide rather than facilitating change or a consideration of our point of view. As the saying goes, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

That’s why I was so struck by my conversation with this man. We were able to discuss our widely differing perspectives on very controversial topics while still respecting each other. Liking each other. Being willing to learn from each other. I was so impressed that, at age seventy, this man was still open to having his views changed, even by someone twenty years younger.

It reminded me of a compelling blog post I read recently by Tim Urban at Wait But Why? He attributes much of the division in our society to people choosing to live in an Echo Chamber versus an Idea Lab. In Echo Chambers, we only surround ourselves with people who, and consider ideas that, reinforce our predetermined beliefs. There is little room for differing opinions or change. In Idea Labs, we open ourselves to a variety of perspectives, seeing conflicting ideas and viewpoints not as personal attacks, but as opportunities to grow and learn; as information that helps us have a more informed opinion about an issue; as added puzzle pieces that allow us to have a more complete picture.

Why do so many of us choose the Echo Chamber? Because it’s easier, safer, and less challenging. Many of us base our identity on holding a particular belief instead of something more foundational (see my post on identity here), so we’re highly resistant to having that belief questioned. It takes a humble, mature person who is secure in who they are to have open, respectful dialog with someone from a different perspective. To choose the Idea Lab view is to choose to see the other person not as “the enemy” but as a fellow human being, someone who, like us, has struggles, hopes, dreams, hardships, and a backstory that, if we knew it, would help us understand why they hold opinions that absolutely baffle us.

“In a speech Abraham Lincoln delivered at the height of the Civil War, he described Southerners as fellow human beings who were in error. An elderly lady chastised him for not calling them irreconcilable enemies who must be destroyed. ‘Why, madam,’ Lincoln replied, ‘do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?’”

Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power

My challenge to you, and to myself, is to choose an Idea Lab perspective today. Separate the opinion from the person. Dialog with respect. Give the other side a sincere listen. Be open to new ideas and to possibly changing your view. Share your perspective with the genuine goal of seeking the truth, not winning the argument. If you do, you’ll be part of the solution to our divide, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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