Developing a Better You

Month: December 2021

How to Manage Your Fear

I was a scared kid.

I was afraid of the creepy storage room in our basement. The woods after dark. The freaky clown painting in the upstairs hall. 

Then there were deeper fears. Rejection by my peers. Disappointing my parents. Failing God. 

Some of those childhood fears have fallen away while others have stubbornly lingered. New ones have sprouted up to fill out my cityscape of dread. My wife getting sick. My kids struggling. Failing at my new author career. 

These fears have too great a hold on my life, stealing my joy and peace. But they cling like cactus burrs. Eliminating them is easier said than done. 

I don’t think I’m alone. That’s why I’m excited to share a wonderful resource on loosening fear’s grip on your life. It’s two episodes on the science of fear featured on the fascinating and wildly entertaining podcast Ologies.

Of the many mind blowing insights packed into these gems, the one that struck me the most is the idea that all fears are broken into two main categories: 

1. I am not enough

2. I am not in control 

That may seem too simple, but as I thought about all my fears, I found it rang true. The belief that “I am not enough” is the root of most relational fears, be it with friends, family, romantic partners, even strangers (fear of rejection, anyone?). The belief that “I am not in control” is the root of a whole host of fears, from flying, to elevators, to muggings, to cancer. 

Why is this important? Because understanding your fears allows you apply a fear management technique called R.I.A.:

RECOGNIZE

The first step is to acknowledge that you’re afraid. Are you tense? Moody? Nervous? Stressed? Dreading something? Is your heart pounding? Are your palms sweaty? Learn to recognize the fear signals your mind and body send you. Fear often wears a mask, trying to convince you it’s exhaustion, stress or depression. Call it what it is—fear.

IDENTIFY

The next step is to assess your fear. Are you feeling you’re not enough or not in control? Is your fear factual or fictional? A factual fear has current, real-life data to back it up. A fictional fear does not. If your car stalls on railroad tracks with a train bearing down on you, your fear is factual. If you are afraid to walk into your dark bedroom after watching a scary movie, your fear is fictional. That doesn’t mean the feeling isn’t real, but identifying it as fictional can reduce its power. Remember, the vast majority of the things we fear never happen. Clarify your fear as specifically as you can. Give it a name.

ADDRESS

Now that you’ve recognized and identified your fear, it’s time to do something about it. What practical steps can you take to minimize its impact on you? Techniques such as slow deep breathing, extensive preparation, intentional laughter and facing the worst possible outcome in your mind are all relatively simple and effective. The military uses a type of exposure therapy to habituate soldiers to the fears they may encounter in the field. By repeatedly facing a slowly increasing amount of whatever you fear, it looses its grip on you.

So what do you fear? As you go through your day, keep your antennae up for fears sneaking in and stealing your joy. Recognize them. Identify them. Address them. Listen to the fear episodes on Ologies for deeper insight. If you do, you’ll discover a wonderful sense of freedom as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

A Simple Approach to Prayer

The best prayer I ever heard was two words: “Help me.”

It was not eloquent. It wasn’t flowing. It wasn’t lengthy, poetic or selfless. But it was brutally honest. And painfully sincere. That prayer came from a deeply broken place, uttered by a friend who, in those two simple words, admitted the mess he’d made of his life and acknowledged he couldn’t fix it on his own.

In the forty-two years I’ve been building my relationship with God, I’ve said countless thousands of prayers. I’ve prayed alone, in pairs, in small groups and, in my former role as a music pastor, in front of thousands of people. I’ve attended conferences on prayer, read books on prayer, been on committees discussing prayer, taught classes on prayer and personally used a wide variety of prayer techniques like centering prayer, breath prayer, lectio divina and praying scripture. If there’s anyone who should not struggle with prayer, it’s me.

But I do sometimes (as described in my last post). When I feel stymied, stagnant or bored with my conversations with God, I think about my friend’s two word prayer. It reminds me that an effective prayer life isn’t about techniques or theological depth or impressive language. Life-giving prayer is simple. Organic. Authentic. Raw.

That said, using a basic framework during my set time of prayer (as opposed to my many spontaneous prayers throughout the day) helps keep things balanced. It provides enough structure to keep me from getting stuck, while allowing enough freedom to keep my prayers fresh.

Of all the prayer techniques I’ve learned, the one I use most often is one of the simplest. It’s an acronym of the word PRAY:

P – Praise

I start by thanking God for who God is (creator, provider, guide, mother, father, lord, friend, etc.) and what God has done for me (the good things in my life). Beginning with gratitude helps realign my perspective and puts me in a healthy mental place for the prayers that follow.

R – Repent

Repent literally means ‘to turn.’ It’s both acknowledging that I’ve gone in a wrong direction and taking action to correct my course. I believe I’m a wonderful yet flawed person, one who makes plenty of mistakes. I am sometimes insecure, self-centered, lustful, judgmental, ungrateful, entitled and addicted to my own comfort. Acknowledging those faults to myself and to God keeps me humble, reminds me to be more gracious with the faults of others and motivates me to grow.

A – Ask

I ask God to help others. My family and friends. Strangers I hear about. Situations of significance. I ask God to protect, to heal, to comfort, to guide, to encourage, to strengthen, to provide. I ask for God’s blessing and help in their lives.

Y – Yourself

I close by praying for myself. This section is last for a reason. After starting in gratitude, admitting my flaws and focusing on the needs of others, I’m usually in a good head space to think about myself. To remember what I actually need, what I truly want and what’s really important.

The beauty of this simple framework for prayer is that you can do it anywhere—in the car, at lunch, during a commercial, in a quiet room—and for any length of time, from a handful of seconds to hours on end. After forty-two years, it still serves me well.

So how about you? Do you have a desire to pray? Do you struggle as I have? Try this simple acronym. Start small. Keep it simple. Be brutally honest (God can take it). Be yourself. Stick with it. Have fun. If you do, you’ll find some peace, hope and comfort as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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