I’ve been looking in the proverbial mirror lately and asking:
Who am I, and what makes me, me?
I think there are four main elements that explain how I got where I am and provide a roadmap for who I want to become:
1. Nature
My personality. Temperament. Basic physical traits. Talents. Inclinations. Areas of giftedness. My hardwiring. Who I was from day one without my choice or ability to change.
2. Nurture
How I was raised. What I was taught. How I was treated. What was modeled for me. Who I was told I was. Again, this was not my choice and was beyond my control. Good or bad, I can’t change how I was nurtured.
3. Experiences
What has happened to me. Good and bad things that were thrust upon me. Things I willingly sought out. Unexpected opportunities I seized. People, places, situations and other perspectives I’ve encountered.
4. Responses
How I have chosen or am choosing to react to every experience I’ve had. When bad experiences are forced upon me, do I cling to a victim mentality or do I seek the help I need to grow, forgive and move on? When I’m exposed to another worldview, do I retreat to my comfortable preconceptions, or am I open to allowing my convictions to change? Healthy responses aren’t easy, but am I doing my best to choose them in every situation? Am I developing the skills and stamina I need to improve my reactions?
These four components have been major building blocks in forming who I am. They light the path to who I want to be. The only things that are truly in my control are the experiences I seek and how I choose to respond to ALL of my experiences, past, present and future.
So who are you really? Look back on your life. What is your nature? How were you nurtured? What experiences were forced upon you? Don’t beat yourself up over things beyond your control, but choose to address them in a healthy way. What experiences did you seek out? What unexpected opportunities have you seized? Acknowledge the impact of your choices, both positive and negative. Search for new experiences with growth potential. Choose mindfully how you respond to all your experiences. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
My wonderful readers – I am working hard on the revisions requested by my editor for my debut novel which will publish next summer with Penguin Random House (more details to come in future posts!). So for a few weeks, I’ll be mining some popular posts from previous years. This one was originally published October 24, 2020. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! I hope you find this helpful on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.
In my last post, I told the story of how simplifying my relationship with material possessions has led to greater peace and significant life change. You can read it here.
The story doesn’t end there. Just as I fell for the advertising lie that more stuff equals more happiness, I used to buy into the idea that a filled schedule is better than minimal one.“I’m squeezing the most out of life” and “Look how busy and important I am” became subconscious mantras I told myself to justify my overcommitted calendar.
I’ve been amazed at how well the lessons of simplicity I learned about my stuff have worked when applied to my time. Decluttering my possessions led to decluttering my schedule. Saying no to impulse purchases led to saying no to impulse commitments. Less stress and greater freedom with my finances led to less stress and greater freedom with my schedule.
Most of us love the idea of more free time and fewer commitments, just as most of us love the idea of an organized and decluttered house. But we don’t drift into either of those things. It takes intentionality. Without vigilance, our schedules can gradually fill up with commitments just like our homes can gradually fill up with possessions.
When my wife Lisa and I moved from a big house in Arizona with lots of stuff to an apartment in California with not much stuff, I chose to make a fresh start with my commitments. I started with a blank slate, then added things to my schedule thoughtfully, realizing the beauty of calendar space. I prioritized the things that really matter to me, like relationships, creativity, and serving, by using the same criteria for my commitments that I applied to my possessions – true utility or real joy. Lisa helped keep me honest. Now with margin in my schedule, I have time to deal with the unexpected things life throws my way and look forward to the few things I do agree to.
If there’s one positive thing that’s come from COVID-19, it may be that the canceling of so many of our regular events, commitments, and activities has forced us to reexamine our relationship with them. What is really most important to us? How do we actually want to spend our most precious resource – time?
What would your schedule look like if you could start over? Here’s an exercise to find out. Begin with a blank canvas, hypothetically eliminating everything. Due to coronavirus restrictions, that may even be close to your reality right now. Then carefully put back one commitment at a time. Leave nothing unquestioned, even your work schedule. You probably can’t quit your job, but is there a way to get the time requirements closer to where you want to be? Are you able to cut back or work more from home for greater flexibility and no commute? If not, ask the harder question of whether or not you’re in the right career long term.
For commitments you decide you want or need to keep, do they require their current frequency? Could you reduce some of your daily commitments to weekly, weekly to monthly, or monthly to quarterly? When COVID-19 restrictions lift, do your kids really need to be in soccer and band and karate? Is that actually good for them? For your family? When our kids were younger, my wife and I allowed them each one extra-curricular activity at a time. It truly saved our sanity.
Decluttering your schedule will provide many of the same benefits as decluttering your home. You’ll feel lighter, calmer, freer, and more peaceful. Saying no to “good but not best” things will open up time to say yes to things you really value. Sit down with your calendar today. Ask your significant others to help you and invite them to try it themselves. If you do, you’ll soon find more margin and peace, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
My wonderful readers – I am working hard on the revisions requested by my editor for my debut novel which will publish next summer with Penguin Random House (more details to come in future posts!). So for a few weeks, I’ll be mining some popular posts from previous years. This one was originally published October 10, 2020. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! I hope you find this helpful on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.
My wife Lisa and I were scrolling through Netflix documentaries recently and came across Minimalism, a film that started us on a significant journey four years ago. Rewatching it reminded me of just how far we’d come. Back then, we were living in a big house filled with possessions. Every closet was packed. Both garages were overflowing. Everywhere you looked was more stuff.
Watching Minimalism the first time made me realize how I’d bought into the idea that more stuff equals more happiness, even though my life experience told me that wasn’t true. That documentary showed me that my possessions come with a price – not just the cost and financial stress of buying more stuff, but the maintaining, cleaning, and storing that goes along with it. Then there’s the emotional and mental drain of living in cluttered, disorganized spaces. I looked around my house and felt the weight of it all. I was ready for a change.
Grabbing a legal pad, I wandered the house, writing down every area that needed decluttering – closets, under beds, cabinets, garages, drawers, the backyard. I ended up with an overwhelming list. Because it felt less daunting, I started with one small closet, taking everything out and sorting items into four piles: keep, sell, donate, trash. For an item to be kept, it needed to have true utility (ex: a vacuum cleaner) or bring me real joy (thanks for the tip, Marie Kondo).
Looking at the freshly cleaned and organized closet, I felt lighter, more calm. The good vibes gave me enough motivation to keep going. Week after week, month after month, I slowly made my way through the list. It took about a year and a half to do the entire house inside and out, but when I was done, the feeling was incredible. I didn’t know at the time that this was just preparing my wife and I for what was to come.
A short while later, as I was in the process of winding down my music career to pursue writing, we decided to move to California to be near our son. We took the opportunity to discuss not only where we wanted to live but how. A smaller space. Less stuff. Low maintenance. A walkable area. We opted for a significant change, moving from our rambling house in the Phoenix suburbs to a much smaller apartment in highly walkable midtown Sacramento. We packed our favorite clothes, books, mementos, and necessities and moved via one road trip, eleven shipped boxes, and checked airline luggage. Then we hired an auction company, who sold both our cars and everything else we owned in one day. Now we own relatively few possessions and no vehicles. We absolutely love our simpler lifestyle.
As we rewatched Minimalism the other day, it struck me that what once felt like such a radical idea now seems so logical and familiar. We’ve really worked a simpler, more minimalist mindset into our lives. I honestly don’t miss all our stuff. In the past when I saw large, gorgeous homes filled with the finest things, I would think how amazing it would be to live there. Now it looks crowded and stressful. So much stuff to pay for, clean, maintain, and store.
To be clear, I’m not anti-stuff. I like stuff. A certain amount of stuff does add to happiness and ease of life. But how many sweatshirts or coffee mugs or shoes or kitchen gadgets or fill-in-the-blank do I really need? Simplifying our relationship to material possessions has led to less financial, mental, and emotional stress, and more peace, contentment, free time, and relaxation. Learning to say no to debt and unnecessary purchases has opened up opportunities for us to say yes to the things we really want and value like good food, giving, and travel.
So how’s your relationship with your stuff? Does it really give you the lasting joy the advertisers promised? Try holding off on that next impulse purchase. Wait a few days and see if you still really want it. Pick an area to declutter today. Let some stuff go. See if you miss it. With each small action, you’ll feel a little less weight and a little more peace as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
