Developing a Better You

Month: April 2025 (Page 1 of 2)

2 Keys to Finding Fulfillment

I am a master of self-deception.

Time after time, season after season, year after year, I sought fulfillment in many things—relationships, praise, career, material possessions, experiences. Each time the long sought thing was finally in my grasp, I felt the same sense of disappointment. Apparently that wasn’t “it” either.

I wish everyone could get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they could see that it’s not the answer.

jim carrey, actor

I think that repeated lesson is sinking in. When I recently achieved my lifelong goal of becoming a published author and spoke to cheering crowds, had packed book signings, and traveled the country for events, I savored the moments as best I could. But when the lights were off and the crowds were gone, I wasn’t surprised to feel… normal. Like the same old me. I was greeted by that familiar sense of, “That was great, but not ultimately fulfilling.” I’m at peace with that now because I know that my career, like so many other things, will never provide that feeling. I’ve found it elsewhere.

I failed at this inner equilibrium for decades, and I’m sure I’ll fail at it again in the future. But for now, I’m good. There are two keys that helped me find my current sense of fulfillment:

1. HUMILITY

I need to continually be honest with myself about my failures, shortcomings, and growth edges, and embrace my shadow side; to love my humanness, in both its glory and frailty. This keeps me from narcissistic ego inflation when the wins are racking up and crushing despair at my inevitable failures. 

2. IDENTITY

I need to ground my sense of self in something stable, dependable, and external. For me, that’s God, and my identity as God’s child. That feels like an unshakable foundation that isn’t changed by money loss, illness, death, dissolving relationships, career shifts, what others think of me, or my own successes and failures.

Author and Harvard professor Henri Nouwen beautifully captured this common struggle for fulfillment:

Aren’t you, like me, hoping that some person, thing, or event will come along to give you that final feeling of inner well-being you desire? Don’t you often hope: ‘May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country, or relationship fulfill my deepest desire’? But as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment, you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run. This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burnout.

henri nouwen

How’s your sense of fulfillment these days? Could it use a boost? Accept that it will not be found ‘out there.’ Admit your growth edges. Embrace your shadow side. Anchor your identity in something worthy of it, whatever that means for you. If you do, the fulfillment you seek will not be far behind, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published on August 5, 2023. Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books.

The Intersection of Beauty and Despair

It was a captivating sight. 

Our cruise ship slowly glided beneath Golden Gate Bridge on approach to San Francisco. I stood on our cabin balcony taking in magnificence of it. The massive size. The soaring architecture. The marvel of engineering. 

Then I saw them. Wide nets ran the length of the bridge on both sides. I was confused for a moment before it hit me—they were to catch people attempting to jump from the bridge and end their lives. 

The juxtaposition was jarring. A stirring monument boasting a concession to grim reality. An intersection of beauty and despair.

The nets on the Golden Gate Bridge serve as an apt symbol of life. How often in my own experience have beauty and despair met? The passing of my mother. My grown kids leaving home. Ending a much-loved career. Saying goodbye to a dear friend. Some of my most poignant moments were a melding of the bitter and the sweet.

I tend to avoid those intersections when I can. The starkness of the contrast makes me uncomfortable. But when they inevitably come, I’ve learned to lean in. Embrace the contradiction. The intensity. The whirl of emotions. Because it’s in this crucible that personal growth flourishes. The false fronts I’ve fashioned around my True Self are stripped away. The process is like its catalyst, both healing and painful.

When you come to the intersection of beauty and despair in your life, stand fast. Meet the moment with head high and heart open. Hold the opposing forces close. Embrace the lessons these liminal spaces have to give. If you do, you’ll know a deeper life, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Finding Stability in Turbulent Times

It was an impressive sight.

The howling wind whipped the Pacific into a roiling mass of white-capped waves, sending our cruise ship lurching. Despite the warm temperature, I sat on our balcony wrapped in a coat to shield myself from the ocean spray and took in Nature’s powerful display.

The water’s ever-shifting surface seemed an apt analogy for the world today. Crashing financial markets. Natural disasters fueled by climate change. Political division. Social unrest. It feels like the world itself is moving beneath our feet.

It’s normal for humans to crave a certain level of security. Where do we look for stability, for solid ground, for a steady place to plant our feet? There are many options—our careers, our physical health, our social status, our relationships, our wealth, our hobbies. But if the current state of the world shows us anything, it’s that all of those things are changeable. Jobs are lost to downsizing or retirement. Finances decline. Societal tastes change. Loved ones leave us. Unexpected illnesses strike.

One of the unique aspects of faith is that it attempts to provide a more stable option for security in life, one that is not at the mercy of the winds of fate. Does that make the claims of faith true? Not at all. Is it possible to prove a Higher Power exists? No. While there are rational arguments for the existence of God (like the existence of the universe, the fine-tuning of the universe, the existence of moral law, along with their counter arguments), none of them are conclusive.

Yet I believe. I’m a person of faith based on a combination of intellectual arguments that I find compelling and a lifetime of subjective personal experiences. My personal beliefs have evolved far beyond my evangelical Christian upbringing to embrace the validity of other religions, people from every creed, orientation, and gender identity, and to reject the existence of hell. I believe we all were born of God’s love, live in God’s love, and will return to God’s love at death, belief not required.

Are there problems with my faith system? Absolutely. Are there short-comings with every other worldview? Yes. In a sea of imperfect choices, my faith is where I find my ultimate security, my stable foundation in an unstable world. Is everything I believe true? I don’t know. I could be wrong. But it gives me a level of hope, peace, love, meaning and security that I haven’t found anywhere else. That gives me comfort in stormy seas.

Where do you find your security? I’m in no way saying it needs to resemble mine. Consider your options. Find something that works for you. Choose well. Place your trust in something worthy of the incredible person you are. If you do, you’ll find stability in turbulent times, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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