Developing a Better You

Month: October 2025 (Page 1 of 2)

Avoiding the Trap of Self-Rejection

It was a painful realization.

Many years ago, the independent church I was working for as the music leader became a satellite campus of a much larger church. I went from heading up the most visible department to being one small part of a huge music staff. Rightly, my role, responsibility, and importance dropped dramatically.

In many ways, it was a wonderful relief. In others, it was a difficult transition. I’d been the righthand person to the lead pastor my entire career. Sat in all the important meetings. Had a voice in every big decision. Led the weekend experience. Now I did none of those things.

As I adapted to my new role, it would have been easy to slip into a dark place. To feel unneeded. Unwanted. To listen to the subtle voice in my head that whispered, “You’re too old. Out of touch. In the way.” I was tempted to give in to self-rejection.

But I didn’t. After a lot of reflection, reading, and wrestling through my feelings with God and those closest to me, I came to honestly believe that my role did not define me or my worth. I’d always given lip-service to that perspective, but it had never been put to the test. I was able to reground myself in my foundational identity as God’s child, independent of my career, relationships, or social standing. It was a hard fight, but incredibly freeing.

Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. . . . As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.” . . . My dark side says, “I am no good. . . . I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned.”

Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.

henri nouwen

Where are you susceptible to self-rejection? Your marriage? Appearance? Career? Finances? Relationships? Accomplishments? Social status? Get quiet. Breathe deep. Look inside. Remember that those external markers do not define you. You are beautiful. Valued. Prized. Anchor your worth in something truer and deeper. If you do, you’ll find real freedom, and you’ll take a giant step toward Becoming Yourself.

As featured in the Jan 10, 2024 Daily Meditation from the Henri Nouwen Society. Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books. This post was originally published Feb 3, 2024.

The Appealing Beauty of Your Imperfections

I heard my friend curse. 

Years ago, we’d hired him to install hardwood flooring in our new sun room. He’d missed the nail and left a small hammer mark in the expensive wood. My wife and I assured him that it was fine. We actually like a few dings because it gives the floor character and shows that it’s real. 

I’m working on adopting that perspective for myself. My instinct is to present a faultless, unblemished version of myself to everyone. But that’s not a true picture. It’s not reality. Letting my blemishes and imperfections show makes me more alive, more relatable, more real. The posts where I admit my failings and mistakes regularly get more engagement than my success stories.

It makes sense. With so much fake, filtered, and curated content online, there’s a real hunger for the real, the raw, the unvarnished. We respond to it on a visceral level because we know that’s our personal reality. We’re all lovable, beautiful, and worthy, but we’re also scarred, imperfect creatures with growth edges. Like draws like. Deep calls to deep. Truth satisfies in a way the manufactured never can.

As you consider what to share online and with those around you, drop your guard a little. Open up. Be vulnerable. Be real. Let your cracks show, because, as the saying goes, that’s where your light shines through. If you do, you’ll help create a more honest and meaningful world, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published July 20, 2024.

Want a Richer Life? Try Living Smaller

His name was Red.

In a familiar summer ritual of my childhood, Dad pulled his worn blue Chevy pickup into the lumberyard, and I followed him inside. A bell jingled as we entered, and from behind a counter, an older man with ginger hair and a quick smile said, “Hey Keith.”

They chatted amiably. Dad asked Red how “the boys” and “the shop” were doing. Red asked how things were going at the local high school where my Dad held court as the most popular and tenured teacher.

Eventually, Dad pulled out his ever-present notebook from the breast pocket of his work shirt and rattled off the supplies he needed for his current job. He ran a one-man (plus me) construction company during the summer to supplement his teaching income. Nodding, Red said, “Pull around back, and the boys will load you up. I’ll put it on your account.”

His name was Buck. 

As a kid, I’d often follow my dad into the little gun shop in my hometown. I loved the smell of the place, a heady mix of oil and wood and blued metal. I liked counting the number of antler points on the deer heads mounted on the wall.

Behind the long counter stood Buck, his bald pate gleaming above his dark beard and glasses. I never saw him without his black leather vest. “Hey Keith,” he called out. He and Dad would chat about the news, the latest business to open in town, and the local school board.

Eventually, Dad would tell Buck the part he needed for a gun repair he was doing for a neighbor. Gun-smithing is another of my dad’s many talents. Buck would retrieve the part and say, “I’ll put it on your account, Keith.” We’d climb back in the truck, and if I was lucky, we’d go to McDonalds, the only fast food joint in town, for my favorite, a plain hamburger.

I remember those days fondly, mostly for the time spent with my dad, but also for the ways things worked. When jobs and daily errands often involved community and mutually supportive relationships. Where people knew each other’s names and were appropriately familiar with each other’s lives.

That’s largely missing today in our online-retail-big-chain-store-global economy. There are great advantages to those things, of course, but let’s not pretend that something good hasn’t been lost.

Me with my Dad and granddog Otis in September 2025

My daughter Kennedy and son-in-law Sam have chosen to live in a small town. They walk their dogs in their quiet neighborhood and stop to chat with neighbors. There’s a weekly “dog park play date” in Evelyn’s fenced backyard, where everyone’s dogs romp and wrestle while the humans chat about John and Maisey’s downstairs renovations, Bill’s latest work trip, and Sarah’s preparations for her bike ride across France. Kennedy and Sam shop at the local hardware store where you get a free bag of popcorn at the door. They trade Kennedy’s homemade sourdough for fresh eggs from Carson and Carley’s chicken coop. 

I’m proud of them. At young ages, they’ve recognized the importance of community. Relationships. Mutual support. Their lives stir those fond memories of how my dad lived fifty years ago. It gives me hope and makes me smile.

My Dad with his great granddog Leonard

In our nomadic life, Lisa and I enjoy traveling the world, living on cruise ships, wandering global cities, and hiking beautiful places. That said, there’s something healthy and grounding about coming back to our daughter’s neighborhood, about living small and in community with these people who have adopted us as honorary-sometimes-residents. It’s a good life.

As you enjoy the gifts that modern times can bring, I’d encourage you to join me in looking for ways to slow down. To live smaller. Live simpler. Live in community. To take a lesson from my dad and Kennedy and Sam. I think your life will be richer for it, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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