I have a gift that is also a curse.
When presented with an idea, a suggestion or an opportunity, my mind can almost instantly think of a myriad of problems or obstacles that could arise from pursuing it. Over my life and careers, that ability has saved both me and my employers a lot of unnecessary headaches.
It has also robbed me of a lot of growth and joy.
Having a default position of “No, here’s why that won’t work…” is not a healthy way to live. And it hardly makes me the life of the party. So when I read my good friend Susan Stocker’s recent blog “Begin With Yes,” I knew I’d been gifted with tools to develop this particular growth edge. I’m sharing it here in hopes that it will help you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
SUSAN:
One of the most helpful parenting techniques I ever learned was: “Begin with yes.”
No matter what that child asks, answer with yes, and then qualify the yes. “Daddy, can I go jump off a ledge?” Hell, no, is the response that leaps to mind. However, “Yes. When you’re older, you and I will go look for a nice, low ledge and I’ll help you practice jumping off it. That’ll be a fun little adventure for us.”
“Mommy, can I have some ice cream?” Don’t say, “It’s 9 o’clock in the morning!” Instead, “Yes, tonight after you’ve eaten your supper you can have some of the chocolate ice cream you picked out at the store!”
And there is only one answer to the most frequently asked question in childhood: “Mommy, can I help?”
Each of us knows people who begin with yes, and each of us is undoubtedly related to people who begin with NO. Boy, are they annoying. No matter what you say, a fact, an opinion, a compliment, even — they’ll respond, “No.” Then they’ll explain why you’re wrong. I gave someone a compliment recently, and she told me I had misinterpreted what she had meant when she did what I thought was clearly a kind deed.
Starting with yes, or something positive, is always possible and keeps dialogue flowing. I don’t know about you, but when someone tells me I’m wrong, I shut up and shut down. If things are going to be absolutes — like NO — the person stating the absolute leaves no room for conversation or compromise. There’s no where to go and nothing about which to talk.
There are a million ways to say YES. And yes doesn’t necessarily mean YOU ARE RIGHT. To me, yes means, let’s talk about it. Yes, I can see that there are multiple ways to look at things. Yes might also mean, “Yes, I’m listening.” It might mean, “Yes, I’m engaged in what we’re discussing.”
I remember having quite a conversation with a man who worked at Liberty University. We were in an airport. He almost missed his plane. I just kept asking him to explain to me how the policies and beliefs of Jerry Falwell, who took a yearly salary of 1.25 million from the “non-profit” Liberty University, squared with what Jesus taught us.
No one’s mind has ever been changed by being told he or she is wrong. All that does is close a mind and a heart. And, as my grandkids will tell you, I say frequently, “Nothing is harder to open than a closed mind.” Nothing is sadder to see than a person with a closed heart. (Closed minds and hearts tend to show up together. They are evident in people’s faces — the scowls and sneers — in people’s posture, and, scientifically, verifiably evident in people’s predispositions to illness, disease and accidents.)
We can do our small part by starting with “yes” or some version of positive response. My heart always sinks when I hear that the peace talks have stalled or been discontinued. Yet many times a day we stall and discontinue possible avenues toward interpersonal peace and understanding by responding negatively, assuming nothing is to be gained by extending the olive branch of “yes.”
One quick and dirty little suggestion. Even if you can’t make it all the way from NO to YES try to at least get as far as the most useful word in the English language: “OH.” When all else fails, say OH while nodding yes. Oh, that’s interesting. Oh, I’ll have to think about that. Oh, I never thought of it that way before. Oh, well, I wish I had more time, but gotta go.
Peace, the icing on the cake of positivity! YES. Love, Susan
Susan Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.
