Developing a Better You

Category: Mind (Page 25 of 56)

The Illusion that Causes Violence in Ourselves and Our World

I love street magic.

Seeing someone turn everyday objects into mind-bending illusions is fascinating.

That’s partly why I resonated with the following post. Reading that a widespread, deeply-ingrained illusion is behind the baffling level of hatred, division, and violence in our world made sense to me. It helped me understand both large-scale violence, like Russia’s oppression of Ukraine, and the small-scale conflicts I encounter in my own life.

The following perspective on the root of violence is from author and teacher Richard Rohr. I hope his words give you a better understanding of the state of our world and help you do your small part to make it a more peaceful one. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Photo by Rhett Wesley on Unsplash

The Root of Violence

In a conference with Trappist monk Thomas Keating, Father Richard Rohr considered how contemplation is an antidote to violence:

The root of violence is the illusion of separation—from God, from Being itself, and from being one with everyone and everything. When we don’t know we are connected, we will invariably resort to some form of violence to get the dignity and power we lack. Contemplation of the gospel message gradually trains us not to make so much of differences, but to return to who we are—our True Selves in God—which is always beyond any nationality, religion, skin color, gender, sexuality, or any other possible labels. In fact, we finally can see that those are always and only commercial labels, covering the rich product underneath.

When we can become little enough, naked enough, and honest enough, then we will ironically find that we are more than enough. At this place of poverty and freedom, we have nothing to prove and nothing to protect. Here we can connect with everything and everyone. Everything belongs. This cuts violence at its very roots, before there is even a basis for fear or greed—the things that usually cause us to be angry, suspicious, and violent.

To be clear, it is inconceivable that a true Christian would be racist, anti-Semitic, xenophobic, homophobic, or bigoted toward any group or individual, especially toward the poor and vulnerable, which seems to be an acceptable American prejudice. To end the cycle of violence, our actions must flow from our authentic identity as Love.

Photo by Nina Strehl on Unsplash

One of the reasons I founded the Center for Action and Contemplation was to give activists some grounding in spirituality so they could continue working for social change, but from a stance much different than vengeance, ideology, or willpower pressing against willpower. Most activists I knew loved Gandhi’s and Martin Luther King, Jr.’s teachings on nonviolence. But it became clear to me that many of them had only an intellectual appreciation rather than a participation in the much deeper mystery. The ego was still in charge, and I often saw people creating victims of others who were not like them. It was still a power game, not the science of love that Jesus taught us.

When we begin by connecting with our inner experience of communion rather than separation, our actions can become pure, clear, and firm. This kind of action, rooted in one’s True Self, comes from a deeper knowing of what is real, good, true, and beautiful, beyond labels and dualistic judgments of right or wrong. From this place, our energy is positive and has the most potential to create change for the good. This stance is precisely what we mean by “being in prayer.” We must pray “unceasingly” to maintain this posture. It is a lifelong process.

We wait in prayer, but we don’t wait for absolutely perfect motivation or we will never act. Radical union with God and neighbor should be our starting place, not private perfection.

From Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditations from the Center for Action and Contemplation, May 1, 2022. Adapted from Richard Rohr and Thomas Keating, Healing Our Violence through the Journey of Centering Prayer (Cincinnati, OH: Saint Anthony Messenger Press, 2002), CD. 

Begin With YES

I have a gift that is also a curse.

When presented with an idea, a suggestion or an opportunity, my mind can almost instantly think of a myriad of problems or obstacles that could arise from pursuing it. Over my life and careers, that ability has saved both me and my employers a lot of unnecessary headaches.

It has also robbed me of a lot of growth and joy.

Having a default position of “No, here’s why that won’t work…” is not a healthy way to live. And it hardly makes me the life of the party. So when I read my good friend Susan Stocker’s recent blog “Begin With Yes,” I knew I’d been gifted with tools to develop this particular growth edge. I’m sharing it here in hopes that it will help you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

SUSAN:

One of the most helpful parenting techniques I ever learned was: “Begin with yes.”

No matter what that child asks, answer with yes, and then qualify the yes. “Daddy, can I go jump off a ledge?” Hell, no, is the response that leaps to mind. However, “Yes. When you’re older, you and I will go look for a nice, low ledge and I’ll help you practice jumping off it. That’ll be a fun little adventure for us.”

“Mommy, can I have some ice cream?” Don’t say, “It’s 9 o’clock in the morning!” Instead, “Yes, tonight after you’ve eaten your supper you can have some of the chocolate ice cream you picked out at the store!”

And there is only one answer to the most frequently asked question in childhood: “Mommy, can I help?”

Each of us knows people who begin with yes, and each of us is undoubtedly related to people who begin with NO. Boy, are they annoying. No matter what you say, a fact, an opinion, a compliment, even — they’ll respond, “No.” Then they’ll explain why you’re wrong. I gave someone a compliment recently, and she told me I had misinterpreted what she had meant when she did what I thought was clearly a kind deed.

Starting with yes, or something positive, is always possible and keeps dialogue flowing. I don’t know about you, but when someone tells me I’m wrong, I shut up and shut down. If things are going to be absolutes — like NO — the person stating the absolute leaves no room for conversation or compromise. There’s no where to go and nothing about which to talk.

Photo by Drahomír Posteby-Mach on Unsplash

There are a million ways to say YES. And yes doesn’t necessarily mean YOU ARE RIGHT. To me, yes means, let’s talk about it. Yes, I can see that there are multiple ways to look at things. Yes might also mean, “Yes, I’m listening.” It might mean, “Yes, I’m engaged in what we’re discussing.”

I remember having quite a conversation with a man who worked at Liberty University. We were in an airport. He almost missed his plane. I just kept asking him to explain to me how the policies and beliefs of Jerry Falwell, who took a yearly salary of 1.25 million from the “non-profit” Liberty University, squared with what Jesus taught us.

No one’s mind has ever been changed by being told he or she is wrong. All that does is close a mind and a heart. And, as my grandkids will tell you, I say frequently, “Nothing is harder to open than a closed mind.” Nothing is sadder to see than a person with a closed heart. (Closed minds and hearts tend to show up together. They are evident in people’s faces — the scowls and sneers — in people’s posture, and, scientifically, verifiably evident in people’s predispositions to illness, disease and accidents.)

We can do our small part by starting with “yes” or some version of positive response. My heart always sinks when I hear that the peace talks have stalled or been discontinued. Yet many times a day we stall and discontinue possible avenues toward interpersonal peace and understanding by responding negatively, assuming nothing is to be gained by extending the olive branch of “yes.”

One quick and dirty little suggestion. Even if you can’t make it all the way from NO to YES try to at least get as far as the most useful word in the English language: “OH.” When all else fails, say OH while nodding yes. Oh, that’s interesting. Oh, I’ll have to think about that. Oh, I never thought of it that way before. Oh, well, I wish I had more time, but gotta go.

Peace, the icing on the cake of positivity! YES. Love, Susan

Susan Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.

Feeling Guilty? Give Yourself Some Personal Development Grace

I’d let a good thing die.

After working hard to develop a consistent routine of volunteering at our local food pantry and giving plasma, I’d stopped doing both.

It started around the holidays when things were busy. Then I got sick. Then my edits for my debut book arrived from my editor. Then I helped my wife with an extended tour for her latest novel. Then the rough draft for my second book was due.

Before I knew it, months had gone by since I’d last volunteered. While I knew in some ways the break was justified, I still felt guilty. I’d been gone for so long that the thought of going back gave me low-level anxiety. What would the other regular volunteers think or say? Not to mention that inertia had set in. Now that I’d stopped, I was less motivated to go back.

After I met my deadlines, I was out of excuses. I took the plunge and did a shift at the food pantry and gave plasma again. The anxiety I had going in disappeared after about thirty seconds. The other volunteers were happy to see me. I fell right back into my comfortable routine. It felt great to get back to giving back.

Life happens. We get busy. We lose focus. Our carefully crafted mental / emotional / spiritual / physical healthy habits get set aside. When you find yourself in that place, remember two things:

1. It’s okay.

You’re human. This is normal. Beating yourself up is not helpful to you or anyone else. Give yourself some well deserved grace.

2. Just start again.

Those routines you set aside are there waiting for you. Don’t overthink it. Pick up where you left off and keep going. You’ll be surprised how easy it is once you simply get moving.

Have any of your healthy habits fallen by the wayside? Give yourself grace. Start again. You’ll feel a renewed sense of energy and peace, and you’ll be back on the road to Becoming Yourself.

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