The recent election season here in the United States revealed deep divisions in our country. Now that it’s (mostly) over and we’re either celebrating or lamenting, each of us has a choice – help deepen the divide or help facilitate healing. That reality reminded me of a story I wrote about in the following post originally published in December 2019.
While serving lunch at a homeless shelter recently, I got into a discussion with another volunteer about politics. A seventy-year old white man was sharing some of his political beliefs, and I said that I saw things differently. We began to dialog, debating our views on government-funded social programs designed to help even the economic playing field. I said that my perspective was influenced by a realization of my privilege – that I have economic and social perks in America simply because I’m a white male. Due to some biases built into the institutions and norms of our culture, I have unearned advantages, especially when compared to a woman of color. The person I was talking with disagreed with my assessment.
I am not writing to denigrate this man or his viewpoint. This individual faithfully volunteers at the homeless shelter and regularly leads teams to other countries to drill wells for people without clean water. He is a caring, compassionate, giving person whom I happen to disagree with on some political and social issues.
The reason I share this encounter is because of how it ended. Our discussion was brought to a close by my shift starting and his ending, but as we parted, he said something that surprised me: “This was good. I like talking to people who have different opinions about things because that’s how I learn.” We parted as friends, with waves and smiles.
It is no secret that we live in a highly divided time. On every level, be it global, country, state, city, or family, on a wide variety of social, economic, religious, and political issues, people disagree with each other. Strongly. Often these disagreements are shared with bitterness, anger, and hatred, characterizing people on the other side of an issue as stupid, callous, or evil. I get it. I have strong opinions about many “hot button issues” and am tempted to exhibit that same behavior. But is that type of dialog good or even helpful?
To be clear, I am not suggesting that we should look the other way or “all just get along.” Some beliefs and behavior finding support today are horribly destructive and deserve to be fiercely challenged. There are indeed some bad actors who knowingly trumpet harmful views for their own benefit, but often we assign malicious intent to everyone who holds a particular differing opinion when in many cases the cause may be simple ignorance. Or sometimes, as hard as it is for us to remember, we may be the ones in the wrong. And even when we are right, often the combative, dismissive, or condescending way we challenge an idea or behavior we disagree with only fuels the tension and deepens the divide rather than facilitating change or a consideration of our point of view. As the saying goes, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
That’s why I was so struck by my conversation with this man. We were able to discuss our widely differing perspectives on very controversial topics while still respecting each other. Liking each other. Being willing to learn from each other. I was so impressed that, at age seventy, this man was still open to having his views changed, even by someone twenty years younger.
It reminded me of a compelling blog post I read recently by Tim Urban at Wait But Why? He attributes much of the division in our society to people choosing to live in an Echo Chamber versus an Idea Lab. In Echo Chambers, we only surround ourselves with people who, and consider ideas that, reinforce our predetermined beliefs. There is little room for differing opinions or change. In Idea Labs, we open ourselves to a variety of perspectives, seeing conflicting ideas and viewpoints not as personal attacks, but as opportunities to grow and learn; as information that helps us have a more informed opinion about an issue; as added puzzle pieces that allow us to have a more complete picture.
Why do so many of us choose the Echo Chamber? Because it’s easier, safer, and less challenging. Many of us base our identity on holding a particular belief instead of something more foundational (see my post on identity here), so we’re highly resistant to having that belief questioned. It takes a humble, mature person who is secure in who they are to have open, respectful dialog with someone from a different perspective. To choose the Idea Lab view is to choose to see the other person not as “the enemy” but as a fellow human being, someone who, like us, has struggles, hopes, dreams, hardships, and a backstory that, if we knew it, would help us understand why they hold opinions that absolutely baffle us.
“In a speech Abraham Lincoln delivered at the height of the Civil War, he described Southerners as fellow human beings who were in error. An elderly lady chastised him for not calling them irreconcilable enemies who must be destroyed. ‘Why, madam,’ Lincoln replied, ‘do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?’”
Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
My challenge to you, and to myself, is to choose an Idea Lab perspective today. Separate the opinion from the person. Dialog with respect. Give the other side a sincere listen. Be open to new ideas and to possibly changing your view. Share your perspective with the genuine goal of seeking the truth, not winning the argument. If you do, you’ll be part of the solution to our divide, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
