We were sitting in my car when a new friend told me he was gay. That was almost twenty years ago in a small, conservative town. In general, it was a time and place that viewed homosexuality negatively.
I thanked him for his vulnerability and trust. We started hanging out more often. My wife and I had him and his partner over for dinner. We played board games. Our young kids started calling them both “uncle.”
The time we spent together increased my empathy and reminded me of an important truth – we’re all just people. Despite our wide variety of differences, in the end we all have value and worth, hopes and dreams, problems and struggles.
The root of so many of the divisive issues in our society today seems to come from “othering.” People see other races, religions, sexual orientations, political parties, economic classes, or gender identities and focus on the differences instead of the common humanity. It’s so easy to suffer from an “empathy gap.”
So how can people bridge that gap? While nothing compares to the firsthand experience of sharing life with someone, books can serve as incredible mirrors and windows. They can help us findourselvesreflected on the page and also allow us to see into the lives of others who have different life experiences. Reading can be a wonderful way to gain the empathy that doesn’t come from a simple intellectual acknowledgement of another person’s worth or struggles.
As an aspiring children’s author, I read a lot of wonderful books targeted at younger readers. Here are three highly recommend books that helped to increase my empathy (you can watch my YouTube recommendation video of them here or at the end of this post):
1. New Kid by Jerry Craft
This is a graphic novel about Jordan, a black seventh-grade student who transfers to a predominately white school. Racial equality and the Black Lives Matter movement are among today’s most important and dominate social issues. With New Kid, Jerry Craft does a masterful job of putting a relatable face and lovable heart to this topic.
Also a graphic novel, this is a narrative memoire of author Cece Bell’s real-life childhood experiences with hearing loss. Her words, actions, thoughts, and feelings are humorously and painfully authentic. You really feel like you’re inside Cece’s head and heart as she navigates the challenges of being nearly deaf in a hearing world.
This is a story about a transgender girl struggling to understand and share her identity. Alex Gino paints a powerful, relatable, intimate portrait of George, a student who comes to embrace her true self and find her voice. It’s honest, engaging, and hopeful. I read it in one sitting. This is an important book that shines light on an important topic in an easily digestible way.
We live in a fractured world. Each of us actively taking steps to bridge our natural empathy gaps will foster unity and healing. Read these entertaining and important books or others like them. Use them as tools to discuss these topics with your kids or others in your life. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
* Using the Bookshop.org affiliate links provided will support independent bookstores and provide me with a small commission all at NO additional charge to you.
TO WATCH MY RECOMMENDATION VIDEO OF THESE BOOKS, CLICK THE IMAGE BELOW!
Since the following post was originally published in November of 2018, it has been one of the most popular here at Becoming Yourself. Given that many of us are streaming a lot more media in these days of the coronavirus, I thought it was a good time to share it again. Also, I started a YouTube channel focusing on book recommendations, writing advice, and personal development that I’m really excited about! You can check it out HERE. I hope you find both resources enjoyable and helpful.
Once upon a time…
It was a dark and stormy night…
Call me Ishmael…
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…
In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit…
How do you feel as you read these famous opening lines? I get a tingle of excitement and anticipation. Why? Because I LOVE stories. I believe most of us do. We seem to be hard-wired as humans to be respond deeply to a well-told story. A lecturer once said, “If I want to say something really important, I tell a story.” Even Jesus used stories as his main method of teaching. Stories speak important truths about ourselves and the world in ways that entertain, inspire, challenge, and remain embedded in our memories.
That’s why I’m excited to introduce a new friend to you. His name is Khemit Bailey, a fellow writer and blogger who understands the power of fictional tales. He specializes in helping people use movies as tools to help them tell their own story. We each have a story to tell, and as the famous poet Maya Angelou said, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” So when Khemit said he was willing to do a guest post on Becoming Yourself, I jumped at the chance. I hope you’ll find his words as inspiring and challenging as I have, and that they will help you on your journey toward Becoming Yourself. Enjoy!
“The whole universe depends on everything fitting together just right.” Hushpuppy, Beasts of the Southern Wild
So there I was, sitting in a dark movie theatre with my best friend watching the film Beasts of the Southern Wild in 2012. The movie ended, and the house lights came up. I immediately stumbled over my friend in a rush to get to the bathroom.
Once safely there in the confines of the stall, I immediately found myself shaking and sobbing uncontrollably, but not for the reasons one might normally do so in a bathroom stall. No, my tears were from the pure, unadulterated resonance I felt with the film. There was a little sadness, a little joy, but mainly a deep and fulfilling inspiration.
It wasn’t the first time I’d cried in a movie, but it might have been the first time I asked myself a question whose answer might not be as obvious as it seems: Why??
What is happening when you are moved so strongly by a movie or a piece of fiction?
One answer might be that your empathy for the characters has overwhelmed you… and that may be true. Another answer might be that the technical harmony of the movie (acting, directing, soundtrack, etc.) all drove you towards an emotional climax… and that’s probably not wrong either. But both of those answers are incomplete.
The role of our deeply personal resonance with stories can’t be ignored. Film (and fiction of all kinds) evolved with our emotions in mind. The stories that play themselves out on screens across the world all attempt to gain proximity to our fundamental human nature: the thing inside of us that yearns, strives, and searches endlessly for meaning.
But it isn’t just a generic thing that resides in all of us in the exact same way. If that were the case, every single person would cry at the exact same movies and scenes, and movie theaters would be even more intense places to be.
No, we all seem to resonate with the specific aspects of movies that speak to us on an individual level. We see reflections of ourselves in the stories that surround us. The stronger the link to our unique emotional worlds the stronger the resonance, like tuning forks vibrating in time with each other.
“Someday it’s all gonna be on you.” Hushpuppy, Beasts of the Southern Wild
That day in 2012 when I fled to a theater restroom to sob over a movie I’d just seen was not long after I’d gone back to school in the US after an extended and tumultuous 3 year excursion abroad. I was still adapting to life back in the States and things were not going well. I couldn’t keep my grades up, and my social life was nonexistent. I was failing and just couldn’t seem to adapt to the new environment. What’s worse, I didn’t feel like there was anywhere I belonged.
At that time in my life, and many time since, a well-told story about a little girl’s sojourn into unknown lands in search of secret knowledge was like a lightning rod for my emotions. Every scene felt packed with some secret significance meant only for me. I felt like the world was shifting into alignment around me; I felt like I wasn’t alone in my fear and wonder at the mysteries of life.
Certain things stood out to me: The hero of the movie seemed powerless in a chaotic world. The forces of man and nature seemed rallied against her. She had one point of control in all the world: herself. And we, the audience, followed her awash in hope and fear.
As the story spun itself out, I could feel myself resonating strongly with all the impactful scenes that spoke to me personally, and especially with the little heroine confronting her fears one by one. I started paying close attention to what I was feeling as I was watching that film. I’ve continued to do so for the thousands of films since. Instead of paying attention to what the characters felt as I used to, I started paying attention to what they did in response to those feelings: the things that made me respect them.
The characters I’d admired so strongly over the years reflected an ideal back at me: a compiled, but singular pattern of action aimed at overcoming adversity. It was a pattern I could also see in real life when I paid attention. It involved facing fears, taking action, asking for help, and the myriad other things we know but often ignore.
That single pattern of action, a single character composed of all the others, was alive inside of me: an answer to the uncertainty that plagued my life, if only I would turn to ask it for guidance.
“When you’re a small piece of a big puzzle, you gotta fix what you can.” Hushpuppy, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Once I saw the potential in viewing movies this way, I was able to refine my understanding of that underlying pattern with each new inspirational film I watched. More than just giving me a greater appreciation of film (which it certainly did), doing so told me things about what I could do about challenges in my own life, and about what I wanted to be doing in the world.
More than just vague inspiration, I saw that there were implications for action there. I started using the movies I resonated with as generators, refiners, and reminders of who I was trying to become. They became my life coach in a very real sense.
I’d always been a movie fan, but I started consuming with an intention that was absent before. I watched movies very closely, and I watched myself just as carefully while I did. I saw what I respected reflected back at me constantly, and I worked to bring myself into alignment with it.
I brought the lessons I was learning to my studies and to my personal life and things began to improve, slowly at first and then with increasing speed. My grades improved drastically; I found the courage to share myself, and build relationships and lifelong friendships. More importantly, by looking to my heroes for inspiration, I found my way back from the edge of hopelessness.
In using my resonance with movies as a guide, I discovered a personal hero all my own, the embodiment of all the traits I found admirable. I still look to that character for guidance today, and every great movie I see brings it more into focus.
“We’s who the Earth is for.” HushPuppy, Beast of the Southern Wild
The crafters of movies, the writers who plot them, and the real-world people they draw on to drive their creative works are the bedrock of inspirational resonance that movies call forth in us. People follow patterns that take their life on trajectories that are often hard to see except in hindsight. The medium of film is an art form because it can distill those complex patterns and lengthy timelines into kernels of wisdom about human action that are enjoyable, poignant, and powerful.
In life, the inevitable question that arises for all people is: what do I do now?? Some films, ones that inspire and resonate with us strongly, ask that question and then provide an answer. They do so by showing you a character moving from a place of tumultuous uncertainty to one of spiritual equilibrium.
They show you patterns of action that yield answers to the big question, and they have a rationale that justifies it. They keep you engaged, and speak to deep truths within you. They inspire you to be more than what you are, and they show you exactly how. They make you believe it’s possible. They give you hope.
One would be very lucky to find a life coach who can do better than that.
Movies are one of the most powerful tools we can use to assist us in becoming ourselves. Because I’m committed to having everyone share in that process, and I believe what resonates with you is all about YOU, I give out free recommendations of great films based on individual taste in my free time. You can follow this link to get yours 🙂
BIO:
Khemit Bailey is a writer, entrepreneur, and true believer in the transformative power of fiction.
He blogs about great fiction and the mastery of personal stories at The Character Arc. He also co-hosts the FYMP Podcast which focuses on the same topics.
Gravatar e-mail: tyshalle99@gmail.com
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My good friend Danielle Thorp, who goes by her nickname, “Happy”, is a very talented freelance writer, editor, and personal development blogger. I asked her if she’d be willing to write a guest post for Becoming Yourself, and she graciously agreed. I’m so glad to share her insight with you today. If you or someone you know needs editing or writing services, I highly recommend Happy. Her contact info is at the end of this post. Enjoy!
As Matt pointed out in his last post, it’s been quite a year. And yes, it’s only July.
The strict lock-downs in New York City due to COVID-19 have had me living in relative isolation in a tiny studio apartment in Brooklyn since the second week of March. Losing my job at the beginning of May abruptly stole a great deal of built-in structure and meaning. An uptick in crime in a nearby neighborhood made venturing out feel a bit unnerving during the first half of June. More than once, falling into complete despair has become seriously tempting.
But while I may or may not have occasionally crawled into bed at 3pm with a bottle of wine and a bag of potato chips to watch entirely too many movies on Hallmark Now, years of leaning into personal development practices – in both good times and bad – have taught me how indispensable self-care is during seasons like this.
Here are three of the practices that I’ve found most helpful recently.
1. MOVE
In an early episode of her podcast, Unlocking Us, Brené Brown shared 7 words that have become something of a mantra for me this year: “Move your body; it’s where anxiety lives.”
We know this intuitively; when we’re stressed, our shoulders become tense, we clench our jaws, we find ourselves tapping our fingers or a foot. Stress can have a profound impact not just on our moods, but on our behaviors (choices) and our physical bodies (including our immune systems). A quick internet search turns up not just a wealth of information on the symptoms of stress, but also a key and proven way to mitigate the anxiety that accompanies stress: movement.
Extensive research also shows that time in nature has a positive impact on reducing the symptoms of stress and anxiety. So, I make it a point to get out for a walk as often as possible – at least once a day, if not more often. It’s not always safe to go to a park, due to overcrowding – it’s hard to stay 6 feet away from others in a crowd! – but even a walk around the block to enjoy my neighbors’ flower gardens can help me calm down when I’m anxious. And on rainy days when I can’t get outside, I water my plants and try to do some simple yoga/stretches.
2. BREATHE
In a recent article in the Wall Street Journal on The Healing Power of Proper Breathing, author James Nestor jokes, “Breathing is not an activity that anyone is feeling confident about right now.”
There’s some truth to that – most of us are currently living with a healthy respect for an airborne virus – so breathing deeply (especially through a mask!) may not feel like the most natural solution to our problems. But not breathing deeply can actually increase feelings of stress and anxiety.
Last fall, I experienced a series of panic attacks that came seemingly out of nowhere. In retrospect, they were likely related to unprocessed grief and a lot of change – but one of the symptoms that manifested in those moments was feeling like I couldn’t breathe. Two very wise friends who had experience navigating panic taught me some breathing patterns and what they knew about the science behind why they work to induce calm. It helped immensely.
Similar experiences of panic have asserted themselves periodically over the past few weeks, which isn’t all that surprising. While what I’ve already discovered has been useful, I’m still learning as much as I can about the ways that breathing impacts our health. In fact, James Nestor’s latest book, Breath, is literally changing the way I breathe on a daily basis – and I’m also experimenting with a variety of techniques. (Here are four that I plan to try).
3. GROW
Meditation and mindfulness are all the rage these days, but can I tell you a secret? I’m really bad at it. Sitting still to clear my mind in order to find out what’s in it takes a lot more time and effort than I’m usually able or willing to put into it on a good day, and with the added stresses of a global pandemic and unemployment, it’s just not happening. I can barely stay focused on a podcast I’m interested in without my mind wandering, much less sit still for fifteen minutes trying not to think. (Breathing techniques definitely help with this to some extent, but I’m a long way from being able to just sit still and breathe for long periods of time.)
That said, there are variations on meditation and mindfulness that do work for me. I learn a lot about myself by writing. It’s part of why I started a blog over a decade ago, and why I carry on long chains of email correspondence with friends and mentors who ask thoughtful and insightful questions that I don’t always think to ask myself.
Paying attention to the things I’ve learned and articulating them helps them stick. Journaling is a great way to process things, too; I personally just find telling someone else what I’ve learned to be more helpful, because it adds a level of accountability to do something about it that journaling simply doesn’t.
Listening to podcasts and reading books that challenge me to think about life in different ways is another gateway to meditation and mindfulness that works well for me. I’m addicted to stories; good storytellers have an artful way of communicating truth in personal ways. For example, Madeleine L’Engle’s A Ring of Endless Light was my first introduction to processing grief; I was in upper elementary school at the time. I still read that book almost once a year, and learn new things from it every time – not because the story has changed, but because I have.
I think we all have a lot to learn during this particular time in history: about ourselves, about the world we’ve participated in building, and about what it will take to fix the systemic flaws in our social, economic, and political structures. Perhaps the slower pace at which everything is moving by necessity will give us a gift that we often take for granted: time – to dig deep, to find out what needs to change in our lives in order for us to become the people we need to be to create a better world. (Side note: remember to practice self-compassion when you come across those things – change takes time, and that’s okay.)
What is one stride you can take today toward the future? Is it going for a walk, reading a book, calling a friend, learning to breathe? Decide what you can do today to care for yourself during stressful times, and you’ll be one step closer to Becoming Yourself.
Happy is a writer and copy editor, living in Brooklyn, NY. She writes about faith and happiness (among other things) at Simple Felicity, and is currently taking on freelance copy editing projects while looking for full time work. You can find her through her website, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Sign up for her monthly newsletter, Happy Things, for exclusive content and updates.
