Developing a Better You

Category: Mind (Page 39 of 56)

How to Hold Back an Ocean – Be a Brick in the Wall

I did not want to write this post.

I have readers of differing backgrounds, orientations, spiritual beliefs, political affiliations, etc. The thing that unites us is a desire to grow into better versions of ourselves. That reality makes writing about social issues difficult, especially in our current climate where virtually anything you say about a controversial topic is likely to be used as a political cudgel to beat you with.

I decided to proceed because I think most of us, despite our differences, believe in truth, freedom, dignity, inclusion, equality, love, respect, and compassion. We should be able to talk about how well we’re doing at living out these shared values, both as individuals and a society, without it devolving into a political shouting match. This type of analysis is an issue of personal development. We have to start by being honest about who we are before we can focus on who we want to become.

As I thought about the applicability of this topic to my diverse readership, I realized that it really applies to everyone. Saying a social issue doesn’t impact me if it’s not about my particular group is like finding out I have liver cancer and saying, “That’s the liver’s problem.” It’s impacting me whether I acknowledge it or not. We are all part of the body of humanity.

Albeit poorly, I attempt to follow the example of Jesus. That puts me in a certain group. Some people who claim membership in that same group hold positions that I vehemently disagree with. While I don’t want to be lumped in with them, I recognize the necessity and importance of my group being critiqued for its shortcomings, both from within and without, as uncomfortable as that might be for me. It’s also worth mentioning that while Jesus was kind, gentle, and loving, He was also fiercely confrontational in challenging injustice and hypocrisy, especially among religious leaders and systems.

So I’m about to critique a group. I hope that you’ll clearly hear what I AM saying and, just as importantly, what I’m NOT saying. Here we go.

Police officers willingly sign up to do things I would never want to do. They risk their lives and see the worst of humanity on a daily basis. They have my deep respect, admiration, and gratitude.

I have friends who are police officers. One told me how terrifying it was to run into the darkness toward gunfire. Another shared that he became an officer to help people but feels like all he does is put proverbial Band-Aids on society’s bullet holes. I honor anyone who dons the uniform and believe the large majority of them are good, sincere people who make the world a better, safer place.

That said, for a minority of America’s police force, all lives are not created equal. People with black or brown skin are routinely treated with far less dignity than people with white skin. I used to persuade myself that it was just a few bad apples, but I haven’t been able to accept that lie for a long time now. The repeated killing of unarmed black people by police, and the justice system’s failure to convict the vast majority of those cases, both reveal deep structural and cultural failings in our country.

The killing of George Floyd, a black man under suspicion of forgery, by a white police officer has released an explosion of rage and protests around the world. As I watched the video, my horror was not just that the officer pressed his knee into George’s neck for almost nine minutes as George lay on the ground, subdued and passive, pleading for his life. It wasn’t just that he repeatedly said he couldn’t breathe while calling the officer “sir.” It wasn’t even that bystanders were begging the officer to stop, saying he was killing George.

My true horror came from the calm, detached look on the officer’s face, appearing oblivious to the pleas of the crowd and the weeping of the man under his knee. It came from the three other officers who, by all appearances, did nothing to stop their peer from killing a man as he begged for his life. It came from the fact that they did this in broad daylight, in front of a crowd, with video cameras rolling, as if they believed that nothing would happen to them. That it simply didn’t matter. That George didn’t matter.

I have a good friend who works at a major bank. He is a talented musician who plays faithfully at his church. A loving father and husband. A regular blood donor. He’s generous, smart, and funny. And he doesn’t feel safe taking a stroll in his upper-middle class neighborhood because he’s black.

Some of his white neighbors recently posted on their community’s message board that they are patrolling the streets “locked and loaded” looking for thugs and looters. My friend doesn’t use his own sidewalk because he knows from long experience that people see him not for who he is but for who they fear him to be – a criminal.

Some have made the argument that the Black Lives Matter movement is faulty because all lives matter. I believe this is a misunderstanding of the message. As I heard a black commentator recently explain, the point of Black Lives Matter is not that black people matter more, but that they matter as much. They simply want the same rights, respect, and treatment as white people. Shouldn’t that be the goal? To live in a society that values all of its citizens equally?

Jane Elliott, a white school teacher and anti-racism educator, stood before a largely white audience in a packed auditorium. She asked for any white person who would be happy to be treated like our society generally treats our black citizens to please stand. Unsurprisingly, no one stood. She said this plainly reveals that “you know what’s happening, you know you don’t want it for you. I want to know why you’re so willing to accept it or to allow it to happen for others?” 

As a privileged, white, straight, cisgender male, I’ve never had to face any significant marginalization or oppression. I don’t claim to speak for people of color or their experience. I only seek to stand beside them. For change. For justice. For respect. For dignity. For equality.

If you share my feelings, what can you do? Addressing a huge, systemic injustice issue feels like trying to hold back the ocean with a single brick. You can’t. But you can add your brick to the wall. And a strong enough wall can hold back a raging sea.

So thank police officers who faithfully live out their oath to protect and serve, but also raise your voice when you see injustice. Stand in solidarity with people of color. When they tell you that racism is still a huge problem in America, believe them. Contact your local and state representatives expressing your support for police and judicial reform (here’s a guide, then simply search “how to contact my mayor / governor / representative / senator…”). Donate to organizations that fight for racial justice like the Equal Justice Initiative (EJI). Step back from any unquestioned political party allegiance you may have, and vote for those who back policies supporting equality, inclusion, justice, accountability, truth, love, and compassion. If you do, you’ll help heal our society and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Feeling Stressed? Here’s a Simple Way to Find Some Peace

My recent bout with coronavirus blues reminded me of stressful week I had a few months ago before the pandemic induced lockdown. I had to deal with a complicated tax issue. We got an unexpected $1000 medical bill when a “should have been free” screening was rejected by our insurance. Our credit card number was stolen by someone having a lot of fun in Florida at our expense. We learned of some serious problems with our rental house. Then the wall air conditioning unit in our apartment suddenly gushed water – again.

I’m normally pretty zen about these kinds of problems. Everyone has issues to deal with, and none of those struggles were unique to us. But having them crammed together in one week drove me over my limit, leaving me cursing and frustrated with a dark cloud over my head.

The next day I served lunch at a homeless shelter. I didn’t want to go, but it’s something I’ve committed to working into my routine. As I walked to the shelter, a man ahead of me on the sidewalk suddenly turned and jumped toward me, yelling something I couldn’t understand. At first I felt startled and defensive, but as I walked away, I wondered what kind of struggles he must be facing to act that way.

A few minutes later, I said hello to a disheveled woman who looked lost and forlorn. She said in a quiet voice that she knows I probably don’t care but she’d had a really rough night and was hoping to buy a drink at the 7-11 next door. I normally donate to charitable organizations where it can have the most impact, but I gave her some money, unable to imagine what it’s like to be a woman living alone on the streets.

At the homeless shelter, I spent three hours serving food to hundreds of people who had nowhere else to turn. White, black, brown, seniors, children, women, men. Poverty is no respecter of race, age, or gender.

On my walk home, a young man standing on the sidewalk reached out to fist bump me and asked where I went to college. He said he’d studied at Harvard, Oxford, Brown, and Le Cordon Bleu. During our conversation, he explained that he lived at the house we were standing in front of which was, as best as I could make out, a home for mentally challenged adults.

As I stood on our balcony that evening, I realized how much my negative feelings had changed. None of my problems had gone away, but as I compared them to those of the people I’d encountered that day, they seemed so small. I whispered a prayer for those I’d met and thanked God for my wonderful life.

So when the inevitable struggles come your way, take some time to acknowledge your understandable pain and frustration. But when you’re tempted to linger there, open your eyes and heart to the suffering of others. If you do, you’ll find some peace, and take another step towards Becoming Yourself.

Bitter or Better? Choose Your Response to Hard Times

I am becoming good friends with a seventy-four year old woman I have never met. I connected with Susan Rau Stocker in an unusual way. After writing a blog post supporting the Barmen Today Declaration (you can read that post here), I received a “thank you” comment from Susan and discovered she had helped write the Declaration. 

Honored that one of the authors of such an important work had appreciated something I wrote, I thanked her for reaching out, then took the nervous step of asking if she’d consider doing a guest post here at Becoming Yourself. Ever gracious, Susan agreed (you can read her two guest posts here and here).

Through our subsequent communications, I discovered something surprising and wonderful – a kindred spirit. Though separated by gender, generation, and geography, Susan and I just click. Not only as fellow writers and bloggers, but as seekers of truth and hope, doing our best to become ourselves and help others do the same.

When I read one of Susan’s recent blog posts, I knew I wanted to share some of her wisdom with you. You’ll find her words below, expressing what I feel far better than I could myself. Know that her perspective comes not only from a life deeply lived, but from thirty years of experience as a clinical therapist. I hope you’re as challenged and inspired by her as I am on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.

(To visit Susan’s wonderful weekly personal development blog, click here. You’ll be glad you did!) 

SUSAN:

As they say with all challenges and trials, this pandemic will either make us bitter or better. Both are already happening. The news is littered with stories of people hoarding hand sanitizer to resell it at ridiculous mark-ups. Others who had insider knowledge of what was to happen on Wall Street saved themselves financially. And then there are stories of children playing their musical instruments for elderly neighbors and young neighbors putting signs on doors of older neighbors, saying, “Call me and I can pick up anything you need.”

I’ve read that people facing death become “more themselves.” The kind ones become kinder, the nasty, snarly ones growl and bite harder. I think the same can be said of anyone facing stress of any kind — our true nature shines through.

We have some rough days ahead, my friends. How we chose to respond to these challenges and trials is not dependent on what the challenges and trials are but rather on who we are. Selfishness and greed are going to rear their ugly heads. So are selflessness and generosity. Everything in life is an opportunity. Every moment is a teaching moment because at every moment someone is watching and learning from each of us.

This virus will eventually be researched, understood and we’ll have medications to treat it when it does occur. The virus will disappear or at least will become manageable, and we will no longer have to dread it or stay in quarantine to avoid it. But, we will be left with ourselves and the record of our actions during this crisis. We may have malicious thoughts and cranky feelings — we are human — but how will we behave?

Helen Keller said, “Anyone can smile when the sun is shining.” A dark cloud named CORONA is hanging over our heads for the foreseeable future. How we respond will become our personal and public legacy, our private and corporate history.

With faith, hope and love — soulfully, Susan

Susan Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.

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