Developing a Better You

Category: Mind (Page 41 of 56)

Creative Change: How to Carve Out the Life You Want

When the last of our kids finished college a few years ago, my wife Lisa and I brainstormed about the kind of life we wanted in this new season. We desired to live in a walkable area near one of our kids, eliminate home maintenance, have flexibility to travel, and help me transition to a writing career. To that end, I phased out of my twenty-six year music career, we sold most of our possessions and both vehicles, and moved from a house in Phoenix AZ to an apartment in walkable midtown Sacramento CA. Making those significant changes took time, intentionality, and effort, but the benefits of our radically different lives have been so worth it.

I love the flexibility and creativity of writing, but it has two significant drawbacks – it’s tough to break into and hard to make money. I’ve written three novels so far and am working with my literary agent to edit and submit them to publishing houses. There’s not much I can do about the slow pace of the publishing world – it often feels glacial. But I’m not complaining. I’m the luckiest aspiring author in the world because my amazing wife, New York Times bestselling author of twenty-four books Lisa McMann, is not only my writing coach, she’s also paying the bills while I’m in this career transition.

To help make this life change possible, I’ve gotten creative on how to create a “salary” for myself during this initial period where my work is going out but no money is coming in. It’s not actual paychecks, but I’ve found ways to put time and effort into money saving activities that have had the same impact on our budget as if I had a part-time job:

I MOVED US TO A NEW APARTMENT

We loved our beautiful apartment in a great location, but the rent was high. I asked our maintenance person what other units were available in our building. To our surprise, one was perfect for our needs and significantly cheaper. I contacted management and jumped through all the hoops to change apartments mid-lease, then went through the hassle of moving. Now we’re settled in our new place and saving a significant amount in rent every month.

I CHANGED OUR HEALTH INSURANCE PLAN

I think health insurance companies count on the difficulty of change. They know that once they’ve got you, you’ll likely stay with what you have even as the rates go steadily up and the quality of care leaves a lot to be desired. I went through the complex and incredibly frustrating experience of switching companies. Even with the help of a broker, it was time consuming and sometimes maddening. But after a few months of headaches, we had the same coverage at a more user-friendly company that was way cheaper. Another solid reduction in our monthly expenses.

I DUMPED OUR TIME SHARE

Many years ago when I was young and naive, I got suckered into buying a time share. If what the company told us at the time had been the whole story, it would have made sense, but of course, it wasn’t. They neglected to mention that even after we paid it off, we would not have “free vacations for life.” You’re on the hook forever paying increasing annual maintenance fees and random assessments that you have no control over. We were shelling out over $1,100 a year for something we weren’t using anymore. After seeing the pathetic value of the resale market, I researched a way to just give our ownership back to the time share company in exchange for getting out of our lifetime contract. We’re now free of that painful annual bill.

I RENEGOTIATED OUR INTERNET SERVICE

Often when you sign up with an internet service provider, it’s for an appealing introductory rate. But when the honeymoon’s over, the cost goes up significantly. When ours made the big jump, I called our provider and asked what my options were. It was surprisingly simple to switch over to their latest promotional offer which was even cheaper than our introductory rate. This was another “one and done” lowering of our monthly expenses.

I know our situation is unique in some respects, but I share this story to give you an example of how Lisa and I have been able to carve out the life we really wanted by being willing to think outside the box, make significant changes, and work non-traditionally.

So how about you? What do you want your life to look like? What could you do now to help today’s dream become tomorrow’s reality? Brainstorm. Investigate. Research. Plan. Make a timeline. Start small. Ask for help and accountability. If you do, you’ll be on your way to the life you really want, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

More on this topic and some helpful resources:

RISK = The Price for the Life You Really Want

How to Manage Change: A Story 26 Years in the Making

The Crossroads of Should and Must: Find and Follow Your Passion by Elle Luna

Daily Rituals: How Artists Work by Mason Currey

Vive la Différence: Supercharge Your Personal Growth by Widening Your Circle of Friends

It started with my wife Lisa and I heading out for a walk. In the lobby of our apartment building, we noticed a woman we’d never met before and introduced ourselves. Her name was Helen. We began chatting and found her delightful. She had moved into the building by herself a few months earlier and didn’t know many people. We exchanged contact info, and Lisa encouraged Helen to reach out to us anytime.

Later that evening, I got an email from Helen inviting us to lunch. We happily accepted, and a few days later we enjoyed a meal together in a local restaurant. Over the course of several hours, we had a fascinating, wide-ranging discussion about careers, life experiences, religion, politics, children, food, and travel.

We learned that Helen is an amazing person with a powerful life story. She was born into a Jewish family in Poland the day before Hitler invaded and spent her early years in a Siberian labor camp. She endured incredible hardships in various countries before immigrating to the United States as a teenager. Helen speaks several languages, has a dry sense of humor, converses articulately on a wide range of subjects, and, at age seventy-nine, is probably in better shape than I am.

As I reflected back on our interaction with Helen, I realized it was much more than just an engaging lunch. As a person committed to becoming the best version of myself, spending time with people who have different backgrounds and perspectives than my own is vital. While having friends who are of a similar age and season of life is wonderful and important, I’m sharpened and stretched in different ways when I expand my circle of relationships to include people who are not just like me.

We are put on this planet only once and to limit ourselves to the familiar is a crime against our minds.

Roger Ebert

Helen and I are very different people. We have differences in upbringing, culture, language, gender, generation, spiritual perspective, and life experiences. But through spending time with her, I found that my thinking about life, myself, and the world around me was enriched, broadened, and wonderfully challenged. And along the way, we found common ground in our love of music, Japanese cuisine, politics, long walks, and our search for meaning and purpose in life. I’m a better person for being able to call Helen my friend.

So how about you? Do you have people in your life who see things differently? Do you seek them out? Are you exposing yourself to new ideas and perspectives? If you only surround yourself with people who look, think, and act like you, your growth will be significantly limited.

When you are around people whose stories aren’t similar to yours, do you merely tolerate their varied perspectives or do you genuinely try to understand them? Are you open to seeing what you can learn? Being strong in your views is not a bad thing, but it can unintentionally lead to arrogant, dismissive, or demeaning attitudes and behavior. It’s a trap I’ve fallen into before, one that I regularly have to remind myself to avoid. I don’t think I’m alone in that struggle.

So if you’re committed to personal growth, if you want to become a better version of yourself, I challenge you to seek out people with different perspectives. Invite them for lunch or coffee. Ask open ended questions and then truly listen. See what you can learn. Be open to having your opinions changed. Share your own thoughts with humility and respect. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published Jan 19, 2019.

How to Find Direction in Life’s Fog

Recently I woke up to this view from my apartment’s balcony:

Two hours later, it looked like this:

What caused the dramatic change? The sun. It rose above a cloud bank and burned away the fog.

It felt like a metaphor for my life. Sometimes I find myself in seasons of struggle, confusion, or disappointment where I feel surrounded by fog, unable to see the way ahead or understand what’s happening to me. No matter how hard I strain or squint, I can’t see my way through. I need an outside source, a “sun”, to burn the fog away, to help me find clarity and direction.

In those seasons, the outside source I’ve found most helpful is God. I know that’s a non-starter for some of you, or that you may have a different name for your higher power. I respect that. I’m just stating that in my experience, God has been a better “fog burning” source than anything else I’ve tried. Better than parents or friends or therapists. Better than teachers or gurus or my own gut instinct. Better than self-help books or podcasts or blog posts. Those are all wonderful things but when taken as ends in themselves, each has their limitations.

Yet when God is the lens through which I see the world, and I turn to those other sources in the context of seeking God first, they are often the very ways in which I receive the direction and guidance I need. Somehow, apart from that perspective, those things aren’t as helpful to me. If that sounds mysterious or counterintuitive, I guess I’d say… it is. But I’ve learned to be okay with embracing the mystery.

What I’m really trying to say is this – putting in the effort to seek a relationship with God and learn to hear Her direction, in whatever form, has been the best solution I’ve found to finding my way through the fog of life.

So how about you? How do you find direction? What cuts through the fog in your life? What outside source acts as your “sun”? What skill or relationship or practice can you invest in now to help you better connect with that source? Make the effort. When the next fog bank rolls in, you’ll be glad you did. And you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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