Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Category: Mind (Page 8 of 51)

Goal Setting for the New Year? Do a Few Things Well

December 30, 2023 / / 2 Comments

I hate New Year’s resolutions.

Given that I write a personal development blog, that may sound odd. In my experience, goals forced by a date on the calendar have not worked well. I set too many, in too many areas, and usually flame out by February.

If New Year’s resolutions work for you, fantastic. You have my respect. For me, they feel overwhelming, and my failure to meet them kills my motivation to pursue personal development. This is especially true when it comes to goals based on helping others. 

I think that’s why I responded so strongly to this quote from author and Harvard professor Henri Nouwen:

The more I think about the human suffering in our world and my desire to offer a healing response, the more I realize how crucial it is not to allow myself to become paralyzed by feelings of impotence and guilt. More important than ever is to be very faithful to my vocation to do well the few things I am called to do and hold on to the joy and peace they bring me.

henri nouwen

Here are three things I take from this:

1. Guilt is not a helpful motivator.

It may get me to do something “good” in the short term, but it won’t set me up for long-term positive impact. I’ve started and abandoned many serving efforts based on guilt.

2. Doing a few things well is better than doing many things poorly.

The list of worthy causes and suffering people is endless. It’s easy to get sucked into spreading small bits of my limited time, energy, talents, and money in many places, making little real difference. Being honest about my passions, gifts, and interests, then finding one or two areas of need to focus them on will have far greater impact. Writing this blog and giving to Heifer International are two of my focus areas in this season.

3. Enjoy the personal benefits of helping others.

While it’s hopeful not my primary reason for serving, feeling joyful and peaceful is a great perk. Those highs keep me motivated when serving gets tough. 

What are you passionate about? What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing? What are some areas of need that intersect with those things? Pick one or two projects and focus your efforts there. You’ll make a greater impact while having more fun, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

As shared in the Dec 21, 2023 Daily Meditation by the Henri Nouwen Society. Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books

The Frustratingly Beautiful Practice of Silence

December 9, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I have monkey mind. 

In my practice of silence, rather than the calm stillness I seek, thoughts often leap about randomly in my head like monkeys in a tree. It’s frustrating. 

But I’ve learned that if I stick with it, my ping-ponging thoughts begin to settle, like still water on a pond after the ripples subside. I’m usually able to find the peace, clarity, insight, and connectedness to my truest self that I’m looking for. 

Author and teacher Henri Nouwen described this struggle-and-benefit duality of silence. While the closing section on connection with God may not fit your worldview, I believe there is still much to be gained from his insight and from the practice of silence:

At first silence might only frighten us. In silence we start hearing voices of darkness: our jealousy and anger, our resentment and desire for revenge, our lust and greed, and our pain over losses, abuses, and rejections. These voices are often noisy and boisterous. They may even deafen us. Our most spontaneous reaction is to run away from them and return to our entertainment.

But if we have the discipline to stay put and not let these dark voices intimidate us, they will gradually lose their strength and recede into the background, creating space for the softer, gentler voices of the light.

These voices speak of peace, kindness, gentleness, goodness, joy, hope, forgiveness, and most of all, love. They might at first seem small and insignificant, and we may have a hard time trusting them. However, they are very persistent and they will be stronger if we keep listening. They come from a very deep place and from very far. They have been speaking to us since before we were born, and they reveal to us that there is no darkness in the One who sent us into the world, only light. They are part of God’s voice calling us from all eternity: “My beloved child, my favorite one, my joy.”

henri nouwen, “you are the beloved”

Have you experimented with silence? Perhaps you’ve struggled as I have. Try again. Start with one minute. Gradually lengthen your time. Go slowly. Try techniques like a focus image (candle, mountain meadow, fireplace, etc), concentrating on your breathing, or repeating a helpful word or phrase aloud or silently (peace, quiet, God, love, I am seeking myself, etc.). Stick with it until your wandering thoughts begin to still. If you do, you’ll experience greater peace and clarity, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself. 

Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen, © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books. As shared in the Nov 24, 2023 Daily Meditation from The Henri Nouwen Society. 

What Comes After Thanksgiving? A Helpful Holiday Perspective

December 2, 2023 / / 0 Comments

What comes after Thanksgiving?

That’s the question recently posed by my dear friend and fellow writer Susan Rau Stocker in her wonderful blog The Many Faces of PTSD. Her insightful answer below gave me a much needed perspective now that the holiday season is in full swing. I hope it increases your enjoyment of the holidays as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

What comes after Thanksgiving?

I know: We’re tempted to say Christmas. But Christmas is a month away, and here we are at the end of November, “the gray month,” with more than we can possibly get done between now and December 25th. So, what comes after Thanksgiving? STRESS. WORRY. AGGRAVATION. SPENDING. COMPARING OURSELVES TO OTHERS. TV SHOWS AND ADS OF PERFECT COUPLES, PERFECT FAMILIES, PERFECT HOMES, PERFECT VACATIONS, PERFECT CHRISTMAS TREES AND . . . RELAXED PEOPLE.

I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking more along the lines of the Grinch. This seems like a great time of year to take the dog and head off for the hills. “Come on, Max. We’ll be back in March. Maybe April.”

It’s not that I don’t love Christmas. I do love Christmas. I just don’t love what’s happened to it. Actually, it’s the same thing that has happened to weddings, funerals, birthdays, homes, cars, clothes and so much else. Everything seems to have out-grown itself. Almost everything is super-sized and as inflated as a balloon. Almost nothing has retained its meaning and simplicity.

How can we keep our heads about us in the midst of “holiday” rage? Road rage is only the beginning of the ways stress zaps our kindness to each other. Does it seem to you that most of life has become competitive instead of cooperative?

So, how do we keep it simple and real while those around us are in a race for the greatest and best, the snazziest and most elegant, the flashiest and finest? And do we need reasons to concentrate on simplicity? I know a pervasive, underlying reason: good health — mental, physical, psychological, and spiritual.

We need to disengage from the racing subway where we’re holding on to the straps for dear life. We need to sit on the mountaintop, if only in our imaginations, and stare out at the cosmos. We need to remember how little we are and how big the world is. When we look across the ocean or the mountains or the star-studded sky, why do we feel so much better? Because we regain our perspective. All is well. God’s in Her/His/Their Heaven. I have a deck of “Angel Cards” and one of them says: “”God keeps all the planets in the sky. Surely God is holding you, too.” I LOVE that thought. I guess if Jupiter and Mars are hanging in orbit, we humans can stay in our lanes, also.

What comes after Thanksgiving? A chance to re-position ourselves in a sane, safe, sweet, simple life we re-create, re-new, and rejoice in. Love, Susan

Susan Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.

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