When I was younger, I had an arrogance cloaked in humility, a certainty shrouded in religiosity. I was so sure that I knew the “right” ways to live, think, act, and speak that I wanted others to mirror them. I placed unreasonable expectations on people which caused tension. Rather than allowing them to be the amazing, unique people they were, I thought they should be more like me.
Author and teacher Henri Nouwen described the need for space in relationships this way:
A mature human intimacy requires a deep and profound respect for the free and empty space that needs to exist within and between partners and that asks for a continuous mutual protection and nurture. Only in this way can a relationship be lasting, precisely because mutual love is experienced as a participation in a greater and earlier love to which it points. In this way intimacy can be rich and fruitful, since it has been given carefully protected space in which to grow. This relationship no longer is a fearful clinging to each other but a free dance, allowing space in which we can move forward and backward, form constantly new patterns, and see each other as always new.
Henri nouwen, you are the beloved
As I matured over time, I realized how misguided I’d been, and that a root of my unhealthy expectations was my unrecognized fear that if they were different and “right,” then I must be “wrong.” When I backed off and gave people in my life the space they needed to be themselves, the tension drained from our relationships.
How are your relationships? Look honestly. Initiate real conversations. Share vulnerably. Apologize for unfair expectations. Cultivate healthy space for people to be fully themselves and to allow your relationships to grow. If you do, you’ll enjoy deeper connections, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
Reorganizing a spare room recently led to the unearthing of old photos and memorabilia from key moments in our family’s life. My daughter Kennedy’s scribbled declaration that she wanted to be an actor at age seven. My son Kilian’s drawing of the Pokemon Charizard. The promo poster from my wife Lisa’s first book signing. The spooky story I wrote in 7th grade.
It reminded me how far each of us had come. Kennedy had a successful four-year run as Nancy Drew on the CW network and just finished filming the pilot episode for The Good Lawyer, a proposed spin off of ABC’s The Good Doctor. Kilian is a professional illustrator and graphic designer with his own company. Lisa is a New York Times bestselling author of 29 books and counting. My own spooky middle grade debut series Monsterious hits the shelves May 9, 2023.
Highlighting the successes we are enjoying in our careers can be deceiving. It can give the impression that we had our childhood dreams, and then we achieved them. What’s missing is the journey down long, winding roads filled with potholes, barricades, washed-out bridges, and steep inclines. Failure, exhaustion, crushing defeats, confusion, hard work, and self doubt were, and still are, familiar companions to each of us.
True personal development is a similar journey. We have a dream, an image of who we want to become, physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. We start down the path like so many before us, and quickly learn that real change does not come cheap. Focus, sweat, grit, and perseverance are the price. That’s why so many turn back, choosing the easier though ultimately unfulfilling road of abandoned dreams.
But a worthy goal is worth the struggle. All the effort, disappointment, fear, and frustration shrink to insignificance when we reach the mountaintop and bask in the sun of our realized dream.
My wife Lisa’s latest series
My son Kilian’s design firm
What are your personal development goals? Who would you love to become? Paint a compelling picture of what you want to achieve. Map out clear, practical steps. Invite a trusted companion to encourage you and hold you accountable. Take the first step. When you fall, get up and start again. If you do, you’ll know the fulfillment of real change and the joy of a life worth living as you take another giant leap toward Becoming Yourself.
I like to read things by people smarter than me. My friend Susan Rau Stocker is one of those people. A gifted therapist, author, and blogger, she has a way of communicating her hard-won wisdom with warmth, grace, and humor. This week, I’m sharing a recent post from her excellent blog (I highly recommend subscribing here). I hope it helps you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
I’m 77 today. My birthday hasn’t landed on a blog day before — at least not that I remember. I am 77 and my memory, which was never wonderful, is getting downright iffy. Which I think is probably a blessing. (I have a theory that one of the reasons some elderly folks are so serene and pleasant is because they’ve forgotten all the bad stuff and can’t remember their grudges.)
Actually, I think almost everything is a blessing. The view from 77 is fairly high on a hill. I turn and look back; things which, while they were happening, seemed divergent, seem from here to be connected and sensible. Detours were actually necessary. Some abrupt endings kept me from falling over a cliff or two. Funny how things look in the rear view mirror — and they’re even more clear when one has the opportunity to sit down on a warm rock on the top of a long, winding road and look around.
A birthday is our own personal re-boot, re-start, reconfigure, restructure New Year’s Eve. What shall we do differently this year? What can I leave by the side of the road? What can I give away? What do I want more of in my life? What has propelled me this far? What will keep me going? What am I willing to invest in? What no longer serves me, or the planet, or my family, or my friends?
How can I forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made? The unforgiveness, either of myself or others, is harmful to my health and well-being. Holding a grudge against myself is as toxic as holding one against someone else. If I realize they were mistakes and am determined never to do such things again, isn’t that the best I can hope — learn from my mistakes? Whether others learn from their mistakes is none of my business. I’ve got my hands full keeping, as they say in AA, “my own side of the street clean.”
They brought me home from the hospital in a blizzard. My dad had to stop (on a hill, my mom told me) and put chains around the tires. I was little — 5lbs. — they must have worried about getting me home to a warm house. On my sixteenth birthday my mother made lobster tails for us for supper — the first ever lobster she prepared. On my 49th birthday my husband bought me a Firebird convertible. Not too many years later, he decided to divorce me, and, in the process, he sold my birthday present. Memories from birthdays are encapsulations of the good, the bad, and the ugly from our lifelong learning.
In the last twenty years I’ve begun celebrating my birthday by spending it alone, remembering, often writing, enjoying the solitude of self-care, maybe reading. This year the five family members nearby are coming to my house for supper. I dearly love people coming to my home, I dearly love to cook, and I dearly love my family. They asked me what I wanted. When I told them, they listened.
It’s going to be cold and sunny today — perfect. A snow flake would be divine, but I think is unlikely. I do believe there’s some lettuce in the garden I can bring in for supper. My head is full of memories, and my heart is flooded with gratitude. Two friends each died when we were all around fifty. I have had these twenty-seven extra years. It’s inexplicable. Unbelievable but true. All I can do is whisper, “Thank you.”
When your birthday rolls around, get out the good china. This is our “Once-A-Year-Day.”
Love, Susan
Susan Rau Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.
