Developing a Better You

Category: Personal Development (Page 15 of 58)

The Long Road of Personal Development

It was like finding buried treasure. 

Reorganizing a spare room recently led to the unearthing of old photos and memorabilia from key moments in our family’s life. My daughter Kennedy’s scribbled declaration that she wanted to be an actor at age seven. My son Kilian’s drawing of the Pokemon Charizard. The promo poster from my wife Lisa’s first book signing. The spooky story I wrote in 7th grade. 

It reminded me how far each of us had come. Kennedy had a successful four-year run as Nancy Drew on the CW network and just finished filming the pilot episode for The Good Lawyer, a proposed spin off of ABC’s The Good Doctor. Kilian is a professional illustrator and graphic designer with his own company. Lisa is a New York Times bestselling author of 29 books and counting. My own spooky middle grade debut series Monsterious hits the shelves May 9, 2023. 

Highlighting the successes we are enjoying in our careers can be deceiving. It can give the impression that we had our childhood dreams, and then we achieved them. What’s missing is the journey down long, winding roads filled with potholes, barricades, washed-out bridges, and steep inclines. Failure, exhaustion, crushing defeats, confusion, hard work, and self doubt were, and still are, familiar companions to each of us. 

True personal development is a similar journey. We have a dream, an image of who we want to become, physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. We start down the path like so many before us, and quickly learn that real change does not come cheap. Focus, sweat, grit, and perseverance are the price. That’s why so many turn back, choosing the easier though ultimately unfulfilling road of abandoned dreams.

But a worthy goal is worth the struggle. All the effort, disappointment, fear, and frustration shrink to insignificance when we reach the mountaintop and bask in the sun of our realized dream.

My wife Lisa’s latest series
My son Kilian’s design firm

What are your personal development goals? Who would you love to become? Paint a compelling picture of what you want to achieve. Map out clear, practical steps. Invite a trusted companion to encourage you and hold you accountable. Take the first step. When you fall, get up and start again. If you do, you’ll know the fulfillment of real change and the joy of a life worth living as you take another giant leap toward Becoming Yourself.

The Best Birthday Gift You Can Give Yourself

I like to read things by people smarter than me. My friend Susan Rau Stocker is one of those people. A gifted therapist, author, and blogger, she has a way of communicating her hard-won wisdom with warmth, grace, and humor. This week, I’m sharing a recent post from her excellent blog (I highly recommend subscribing here). I hope it helps you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

I’m 77 today. My birthday hasn’t landed on a blog day before — at least not that I remember. I am 77 and my memory, which was never wonderful, is getting downright iffy. Which I think is probably a blessing. (I have a theory that one of the reasons some elderly folks are so serene and pleasant is because they’ve forgotten all the bad stuff and can’t remember their grudges.)

Actually, I think almost everything is a blessing. The view from 77 is fairly high on a hill. I turn and look back; things which, while they were happening, seemed divergent, seem from here to be connected and sensible. Detours were actually necessary. Some abrupt endings kept me from falling over a cliff or two. Funny how things look in the rear view mirror — and they’re even more clear when one has the opportunity to sit down on a warm rock on the top of a long, winding road and look around.

A birthday is our own personal re-boot, re-start, reconfigure, restructure New Year’s Eve. What shall we do differently this year? What can I leave by the side of the road? What can I give away? What do I want more of in my life? What has propelled me this far? What will keep me going? What am I willing to invest in? What no longer serves me, or the planet, or my family, or my friends?

How can I forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made? The unforgiveness, either of myself or others, is harmful to my health and well-being. Holding a grudge against myself is as toxic as holding one against someone else. If I realize they were mistakes and am determined never to do such things again, isn’t that the best I can hope — learn from my mistakes? Whether others learn from their mistakes is none of my business. I’ve got my hands full keeping, as they say in AA, “my own side of the street clean.”

They brought me home from the hospital in a blizzard. My dad had to stop (on a hill, my mom told me) and put chains around the tires. I was little — 5lbs. — they must have worried about getting me home to a warm house. On my sixteenth birthday my mother made lobster tails for us for supper — the first ever lobster she prepared. On my 49th birthday my husband bought me a Firebird convertible. Not too many years later, he decided to divorce me, and, in the process, he sold my birthday present. Memories from birthdays are encapsulations of the good, the bad, and the ugly from our lifelong learning. 

In the last twenty years I’ve begun celebrating my birthday by spending it alone, remembering, often writing, enjoying the solitude of self-care, maybe reading. This year the five family members nearby are coming to my house for supper. I dearly love people coming to my home, I dearly love to cook, and I dearly love my family. They asked me what I wanted. When I told them, they listened.

It’s going to be cold and sunny today — perfect. A snow flake would be divine, but I think is unlikely. I do believe there’s some lettuce in the garden I can bring in for supper. My head is full of memories, and my heart is flooded with gratitude. Two friends each died when we were all around fifty. I have had these twenty-seven extra years. It’s inexplicable. Unbelievable but true. All I can do is whisper, “Thank you.”

When your birthday rolls around, get out the good china. This is our “Once-A-Year-Day.” 

Love, Susan

Susan Rau Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.

Realize Your Dream with S.M.A.R.T. Goals (Part 2)

I recently came across this post I originally published April 16, 2022. As January is a time for reflection and goal setting for many of us, I’m sharing it again in hopes that it helps you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

A goal without a plan is only a dream.

Brian Tracy

In my last post, I told the story of my author dream and the goals I set to help it become a reality.

How can you set effective goals for your dream? Here are some helpful tips I learned from the Book Marketing Simplified podcast on making S.M.A.R.T. goals. A S.M.A.R.T. goal is:

Specific Measurable Achievable Relevant Timely

Specific

Dreams are spacious and often vague. Goals are sharp and clear. Determine thoughtful, reasoned actions that will maximize your efforts and move you in the desired direction. The fact that my four writing goals were focused and sequential helped me stay on course and persevere.

Measurable 

Establish definable metrics so you know if you’ve reached your goal or not. One of my measurable goals was “Complete the rough draft of a full-length book” vs. the indefinable “Do some writing.” I knew I had met this goal when I wrote “The End.”

Achievable

While having a big dream is wonderful, having unrealistic goals is not. Smaller, realistic goals will give you observable progress and keep you motivated. One of my achievable goals was “Get any book deal” vs. “Get a huge advance plus a movie deal.”

Relevant

Make sure each goal is in direct service to your dream. Other good ideas or passions might pop up during this process. Set aside those that lead you off the path. You can revisit them later. I considered music goals while pursing my writing goals, but saying no to them helped me focus.

Timely

If your goals have no end date, you’re far less likely to achieve them. Having a deadline provides motivation. Even if you don’t meet it, a timeline helps you reevaluate and make revisions for the future. For me, this was giving myself twelve months to meet my first income goal.

Photo by Etienne Girardet on Unsplash

So which dream are you ready to pursue? What are three S.M.A.R.T. goals you can make right now to help you realize that dream? Make them Specific. Make them Measurable. Make them Achievable. Make them Relevant. Make them Timely. If you do, your dream will be another step closer to reality, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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