Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Category: Personal Development (Page 27 of 58)

A Personal Development Lens for Voting

October 3, 2020 / / 0 Comments

So what does voting have to do with personal development?

Some of you are nervous right now. Or groaning. You hate and / or are sick of politics. I get it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to mention any candidate or party. I have family, friends, and readers across the political spectrum. My purpose is not to get on a soapbox for a particular agenda.

I bring up voting because I believe personal development is about committing myself to a certain set of practices that provide a better life for me and others. It’s recognizing that my choices and actions impact not only my quality of my life but that of others as well.

For my American readers, the upcoming Nov 3 election is an example of how our personal decisions will have genuine consequences for real people in this country and, by extension, around the world. Our decision whether or not to vote, and the party and people we choose to support, will be a stone thrown into our societal pond, sending ripples far and wide.

So how do we make such an important decision? It’s common to vote based on the party of our parents, the one we were raised to believe was the “good one.” Some of us are “one issue” voters, be that issue abortion, supreme court nominees, immigration, tax policy, the environment, racial justice, fill in the blank. Whoever agrees with us on that one issue gets our vote. Others vote based on a desire for change or who they’d rather have a beer with or a candidate’s platform or experience. There are pros and cons to many different voting criteria. So how do you choose?

Here’s my suggestion in this highly important election. Step back from both parties, from specific issues, and from individual people. Think about the kind of person you want to be. What values and characteristics do you want to define you? Then widen your gaze. What values and characteristics do you want to define our society? Which ones do you truly believe lead to human flourishing? Let your answers to those questions be your guide in this election. Not how you’ve voted in the past. Not how your family votes. Not what your friends are pressuring you to do.

For me, the values and characteristics I want for both myself and our country include honesty. Humility. Empathy. Love. Compassion. Sincerity. Truth. Grace. Maturity. Competency. Discretion. Wisdom. Inclusion. Unity. Self-sacrifice. Decency. Respect. Equality. Generosity. Honor.

I often fail to live up to that list. There are no perfect candidates or political parties because there are no perfect people. That said, I’m going to vote for people I believe best exhibit those characteristics personally and who advocate for policies that seek to elevate those values for all of us.

What values would make your list? What characteristics do you want to describe yourself? Our society? Step back. Listen openly. Think carefully. Vote honestly and soberly. If you do, you’ll help positively shape our collective future and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Wrong Every Time: Stereotyping

September 26, 2020 / / 0 Comments

My dear friend and fellow blogger Susan Stocker recently wrote something that I felt was so important and timely that I decided to share it. In lieu of my own words this week, please take a few moments to read hers and subscribe to her inspiring, encouraging, and challenging blog here. I bolded the lines that especially spoke to me.

Sometimes, something is so unique that it defies comparison, labels or categories. This stunning picture is an example of that.

Most of the time, however, we think and talk in a very dangerous and harmful shorthand: stereotyping. When we group together “All” of anything, from people with the same color hair, to folks who drive the same car, to those who share an occupation or an opinion or a classification, we are stereotyping. Stereotyping is a “thought distortion.” In other words, we are thinking incorrectly when we don’t differentiate individual redheads from all redheads, or individual lawyers from all lawyers. We are wrong. Every time.

Nothing is more prominent these days than stereotyping:

All politicians are crooked.

All Republicans are racists and bigots.

All Democrats are socialists and communists.

All police officers . . . All Muslims . . .All southerners. . . 

It is intellectual laziness to group and dismiss. People never stereotype positively, only negatively. I’ve never heard anyone say, “All hairdressers are artistic and talented. All Hispanics are hard-working.” No, the grouping and the generalizations are always negative. And they are always wrong.

If you were bitten by a dog, you will be tempted to say, “I hate dogs.” How can that possible be true? You had a bad experience with ONE dog and decided to throw out the entire canine population?

I mention this now, particularly, because it causes so much hate and misunderstanding when we talk about “immigrants” or “lobbyists” or “mega-churches” and draw a “One Fits All” conclusion. 

For those of us trying to live in peace, catching ourselves when we stereotype is a great step toward exchanging our golf shoes for ballet slippers; we walk more gently through life. Giving up stereotyping increases our ability to be heard and to be able to have a discussion instead of an argument.

Catching others when they stereotype is a legitimate, non-aggressive conversational tool. “Wait. You said, ‘All politicians.’ That is unlikely, unproveable and does not pass my fact checker. That’s a stereotype and a generalization.”

Every profession, every nationality, every hair color, every dog is different and unique. All of us, when threatened or scared, are likely to bite. All of us stray from the moral high ground some of the time. All of us have spells of being ditzy or fiery, whether we have blonde hair or red hair. 

One fundamental criteria of talking the high road and following our North Star is not judging. There is no more contaminated form of judgment than stereotyping.

Here’s to our piece of peace this week: no stereotyping, given or received.

Love to each of my unique and individual friends — Susan

Susan Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.

How’s Your Hope? 2 Keys to Leveraging Hope for a Better Life

September 12, 2020 / / 2 Comments

I originally published this post in August of 2019, but given everything that 2020 has thrown at us so far, I found it coming back to my mind. My deep wish is that it helps you find hope in these troubled times.

One of my favorite movies is The Shawshank Redemption. I love the last scene where Morgan Freeman’s character Red, newly released from decades in prison, is on a bus to where Tim Robbin’s character Andy is restoring a boat on a beach in Mexico. In his buttery voice, Morgan reflects on hope:

“I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.”

What is it about hope that has such a profound impact on us? There are a lot of emotional experiences we desire like love, joy, and peace. What makes hope so important?

Hope is a big topic so I’ll only attempt to describe one aspect of it. This post was inspired by author John Eldredge in one of his recent “Wild at Heart” daily emails. You can read that post here.

What I found intriguing was Eldredge’s idea that we all have three kinds of hopes:

1. CASUAL HOPES – these are our day to day, common hopes. I hope my favorite team makes the playoffs. I hope this restaurant has cheesecake. I hope I can see my friends Friday night. These hopes we readily acknowledge to ourselves and others.

2. PRECIOUS HOPES – these are more serious. The fulfillment, or lack of fulfillment, of these hopes have a dramatic impact on our lives and the lives of people we love. I hope I survive the layoffs at work. I hope my child starts making better choices. I hope it’s not cancer. These kinds of hopes we usually acknowledge to ourselves and the people close to us.

3. ULTIMATE HOPES – these hopes go to the deepest level of our thoughts about life and ourselves. I hope I really matter. I hope my life has lasting meaning. I hope there’s something good waiting for me when I die. These kinds of hopes most of us rarely acknowledge even to ourselves let alone share with other people. 

Here’s why understanding these three types of hope is important to our personal growth:

“When our hopes are in their proper places, attached to the right things, not only do we flourish better as human beings, but we are rescued from a thousand heartbreaks.” John Eldredge

What’s he saying here? Two critical things:

1. We need to keep our hopes in their PROPER PLACE – all of those hopes listed above are normal and healthy. But if we allow a casual hope, like our favorite team making the playoffs, to become a precious hope, we’re headed for trouble. If your team being edged out of the post-season puts you in a deep depression, that’s a clear sign that you’ve allowed a casual hope to slip out of its proper place. The same is true with a precious hope becoming an ultimate one. I have a precious hope that my adult children will continue to make good choices. That said, whether they do or don’t will not determine my self-worth or my sense of my life having meaning.

2. We need to anchor our ultimate hopes in SOMETHING WORTHY – we choose where we place our hopes. For our casual hopes, choosing which restaurant to go to is not a big deal. For our precious hopes, choosing which doctor to trust with analyzing our biopsy results is more significant. We want to have confidence in the worthiness our choice. Then there are ultimate hopes. I believe that where we choose to anchor our ultimate hopes is one of the most important decisions we will ever make. Choosing a worthy place to rest them is critical to becoming our True Selves, avoiding unnecessary pain, and enjoying the fullest experience of life.

So where will you choose to place your ultimate hopes for meaning, identity, self-worth, and a future? Obviously, you wouldn’t want to anchor these kinds of hopes to the volatility of the stock market or an ultimately unfulfilling bank account. Or even to your career which can change or end. What about in another person? What about in yourself? Where do you believe your strongest anchor lies? What is the bedrock that you can count on no matter what comes? That’s a question everyone needs to answer for themselves.

For me, the most worthy anchor for my ultimate hopes is my relationship with God. God fulfills my hopes for lasting meaning, for being deeply valued for who I am, and for a positive future beyond this life.

So when it comes to your hopes, keep them in their proper place. Don’t let a causal hope become a precious one, or a precious hope become ultimate. And make sure you anchor your ultimate hopes in something truly worthy of your trust. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself. 

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