Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Category: Personal Development (Page 43 of 56)

Find Your North Star: How to Make Decisions

March 3, 2019 / / 0 Comments

I made a big decision a little while ago.
I don’t remember what it was, which prob’ly goes to show
That many times a simple choice can prove to be essential
Even though it often might appear inconsequential.


I must have been distracted when I left my house because
Left or right I’m sure I went. (I wonder which it was!)
Anyway, I never veered: I walked in that direction
Utterly absorbed, it seems, in quiet introspection.


For no reason I can think of, I’ve wandered far astray.
And that is how I got to where I find myself today.

Bill Watterson, The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

I was reading Calvin and Hobbes recently and came across this poem. It got me thinking about all the small decisions I’ve made that have had a monumental impact on my life. Like when I nervously raised my hand in my college choir to audition for a solo part, which led to an invitation to be in a band, which led to an interview at a church, which led to a twenty-five year career as a music pastor.

Then there was the time I decided to say yes to a friend’s invitation to go to a bar, which is not normally my scene. I ended up riding there with a girl I’d never met. Almost thirty years later, that girl and I share two kids and a bank account.

What’s the point? Simply this:

SMALL DECISIONS MATTER

We tend to think of our lives as being largely defined by a few really big decisions, but I don’t think that’s actually the case. Those are important of course, but I believe the collective weight of the thousands of small choices we make have an even greater determination of how our lives turn out.

Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

That quote reminds me of the seriousness of our small choices. I do NOT think we should agonize over every little decision, but rather have a framework for decision-making that helps us make the myriad of small choices we face quickly and well. The key is to find a framework that works for you; one that will lead you to the person you want to be and the life you desire.

So where do you find such a framework? There’s no shortage of options. You can turn to philosophy, religion, a teacher, or one of the many self-help resources available. Personally, I’ve chosen Jesus. I don’t mean the doctrines or beliefs of any particular church or religion. Even the term “Christianity” is used  to represent such disparate views that I hesitate to use it anymore for fear of being lumped in with people I vehemently disagree with.

What I mean is that I try to use the life and teachings of Jesus as my decision-making filter. “WWJD (What would Jesus do?)” is a tired cliche, but a helpful one for me. I’ve found that when I live my life as best I can by his teachings, things work out better for me than when I don’t. I would suggest that even if you don’t believe in his divinity, Jesus offers a lot of insight into the human condition and can serve as a compelling model of a life well lived.

Regardless of the framework you choose, here are a two big-picture questions that can help with decision-making:

1. Which choice would lead me closer to who I want to be?

2. Which choice would lead me closer to the life I want?

I desire to become a more compassionate, giving person. When I was recently faced with the choice of volunteering with an organization that helps people struggling with homelessness or doing something for myself, I chose to volunteer. It wasn’t because I’m particularly selfless or disciplined. I procrastinated a lot and made plenty of excuses. I ultimately did it because I realized it was the choice that would lead me closer to who I want to be.

I want a life filled with deep relationships. When faced with a recent choice of enjoying a night home alone or going out in the rain with new friends to an event outside my comfort zone, I chose to go. What I really wanted to do was stay home, but I realized that going out was taking a step toward the life I really wanted.

Small choices matter. To navigate them, we all need a North Star; a landmark we can use to make sure we’re going in the right direction. What will yours be? Who do you want to become? What kind of life do you want? What decision-making framework will you use to help you get there? Choose well. If you do, you’ll take another important step toward Becoming Yourself.

Reach Your Big Dreams with Support Dreams

February 2, 2019 / / 0 Comments

“What’s your dream?… This is Hollywood, land of dreams. Some come true, some don’t, but keep on dreaming.”

Man on the street at the end of the movie “pretty woman”

Kids are great at dreaming. They haven’t learned yet that there’s a limited demand for princesses (props on beating the odds Meghan Markle) or nonathletic NBA players. Nor have they faced the mockery that people who are disappointed with how their own lives turned out often heap on dreamers in a vain effort to not feel so bad about themselves. So in their blissful ignorance, kids are wonderfully honest and optimistic about their dreams.

But somewhere along the line, most of us stop dreaming. Life smacks us in the face a few times, and we give up. Decide it’s not worth risking our hearts anymore. If we don’t stop, we often allow other people to tell us what our dreams should be or define what achieving them looks like.

Here’s my encouragement for you today – pick one dream you want to accomplish. It can be big or small, old or new. Maybe it’s one you gave up on a long time ago. Whatever it is, choose something that makes your heart beat fast. A dream you have a real passion for. One that would get you out of bed in the morning. Forget what anyone else thinks, and pick your own true heart’s desire. Let’s call this your Big Dream.

Got one? Next, think of a short list of Support Dreams. These are smaller dreams that would mark significant accomplishments on the way to your Big Dream. Then focus your efforts on accomplishing your first Support Dream. Work hard and celebrate like crazy when you’ve achieved it. Whether you ever reach the second one or not. Whether other people think it’s a big deal or not. You accomplished a dream! Even if it’s small, you did it. You made it happen. And if you have the courage and drive to keep going, you’re closer than ever to making your Big Dream a reality.

Here’s an example. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a writer. I loved to read, and books had a major impact on me. I dreamed of being able to encourage, inspire, and entertain people with written words. My life took a different path, but I’ve recently returned to that dream I had as a child. I’ve chosen becoming a professional writer as my Big Dream.

I’m not going to lie – it’s daunting. It’s a dream that many have had and few have accomplished. But it’s mine. It’s real. It’s from my heart. So to help me on my way, I’ve come up with a short list of Support Dreams.

Support Dreams

Support Dream #1 – WRITE A BOOK. Not just think about it, talk about it, or fantasize about it, but actually sit down and crank out an entire book. Even if no-one ever reads it. Status– DONE! I finished the rough draft of my first novel in March 2018. My wife Lisa and I went out to my favorite restaurant to celebrate that night and got a surprise when we arrived. The top of the daily menu said, “Congratulations on your book, Matt!” I have it framed in our living room. Whatever happens from here, I accomplished a dream!

Support Dream #2 – GET AN AGENT. Full disclosure, I had a big leg up here. I had some great coaching and connections from my incredible wife Lisa McMann, a NY Times bestselling author. I learned about the industry, wrote a query letter, memorized an elevator pitch, met with an agent, and did some hard editing based on feedback. Status – DONE! I was signed by the amazing Michael Bourret at Dystel, Goderich, and Bourret. If nothing else ever happens on the way to my Big Dream, I accomplished this dream. That’s worth celebrating.

Support Dream #3 – GET A BOOK DEAL. This is a tough one, not only because the odds are against me, but because it’s largely out of my hands. This is mainly about my agent working his contacts with editors at publishing houses trying to get them to make an offer on my book. Status – IN PROCESS. My manuscript has gone out to eleven editors in the first round, and I’ve gotten five rejections so far. We’re waiting to hear back from the others.

Support Dream #4 – WRITE A BETTER BOOK. As work on support dream #3 cranks slowly along, I set myself to the task of taking what I’d learned from the first book and writing a second, better book. Status – DONE! I finished the rough draft this week. It still needs a lot of editing, but I’m proud of my work. Even if no-one else ever read this manuscript, I completed it. I accomplished another dream!

Support Dream #5 – EARN A LIVING WAGE AS A WRITER. Seeing as I don’t even have a first book deal yet, this is obviously a “way out there” support dream. That said, it’s an important step to include on my journey toward my Big Dream of becoming a professional writer. Status – NOT EVEN CLOSE.

I’m not saying this process is easy. I have days when I’m down, and it seems like my Big Dream will never happen. When I feel that way, I turn to my Support Dreams. I soak in the sense of accomplishment I have for the ones I’ve already achieved. Then I focus my efforts on my next Support Dream and let my Big Dream take care of itself. It really helps. Worst case scenario, I’ve written two books and landed a fantastic agent. I feel pretty great about that.

How about you?

So what’s your Big Dream? The one that you can’t get away from? The dream that takes your breath away when you allow yourself to imagine it coming true? What’s keeping you from chasing it now? Sometimes seasons of life make it harder or easier to go after a Big Dream, like how being an empty nester opened up the opportunity for me to pursue writing. But if you’re putting your Big Dream off, ask yourself this – is it really not possible now or are you rationalizing? Be honest with yourself. Is fear holding you back? Are you letting others define you dreams or your vision of success?

Pick a Big Dream. Make a short list of Support Dreams. Work hard at the first one. Watch your energy and passion grow. Even if the process leads you to a different destination than you imagined, remember that having the courage to take the journey is an accomplishment in itself. Celebrate each small success along the way. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

How to Motivate Yourself to Tackle Change: Focus on the Other Side

January 26, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Here are two statements I think most of us would agree with:

  1. Personal growth requires change.
  2. Change is hard.

That’s often the biggest hurdle, isn’t it? Almost everyone wants to be a better person (however you chose to define “better”), but a far smaller percentage of people actually become better versions of themselves. There are many reasons for that, but the difficulty of change is a big one.

So how do we motivate ourselves to tackle change? How do we get over the hump and get on with the “business of becoming”? There are a lot of answers to that question, but here’s one that’s helped me:

Focus on the other side.

What do I mean? Simply this – break through the change barrier to a personal growth goal by focusing on how good you’ll feel when you reach it.

Let’s break that down into 4 simple steps:

  1. Define your goal
  2. Make a plan
  3. Do the work
  4. Enjoy the results!

I’m living in a #4 season right now. I’m enjoying the results of big changes that I’ve tackled over the past couple of years in order to achieve two major personal growth goals: having a new life-style and starting a new career.

Here’s example #1: After my wife Lisa and I became empty nesters a few years ago, we decided that we were tired of living in a too big, maintenance-heavy house in the suburbs of Phoenix, Arizona. We had stayed multiple times in AirBnBs in midtown Sacramento, California while visiting our son and loved the mature trees, climate, and walkability of the city. So we decided to make a big change – sell both cars and most of our possessions, rent out our AZ house, and move to an apartment in Sacramento. 

As anyone who has moved out of state knows, it’s a lot of work. It takes planning and persistent effort over a long period of time before you feel settled in your new place. But we started with a clear goal in mind, made a plan, and plugged away at it. It’s taken about five months of consistent effort, but we did it. Our possessions are all sold, our house is rented, we have new medical insurance in place, our address is changed in about a hundred places, and we’re settled in our new apartment. And we love it! We walk everywhere, spend more time with our son, and have much more maintenance-free discretionary time. It’s so good on the other side of change!

View from the balcony of our new apartment

Here’s example #2: Ever since I was a kid, I dreamed of being a writer. For a variety of reasons, I chose a different path and enjoyed a wonderful and meaningful twenty-five year career in music, mostly as a music pastor in various churches. Over the last few years, I started feeling tired. I still believed in what I was doing, but my passion was waning. At the same time, I felt a renewed itch to write. With our kids out on their own and my wife Lisa McMann being a successful writer herself, I had the opportunity to make a big career change.

Over a two year span, I worked at gradually winding down my music career as I ramped up my writing. In addition to this blog, I am busy writing fantasy adventure novels for children. I’ve been picked up by an amazing literary agent who is currently shopping my first book to publishers. I’m a long way from being established in this field, but I feel energized again, and I’m loving my new life as a writer. It was scary to leave an established, successful career that I was comfortable in, but once again, it’s so good on the other side of change!

So how about you? What changes do you need to make in order to have the life you really want? To become who you really want to be? Is it taking control of your health or finishing your degree? Maybe it’s an addiction you need to break or a relationship that you know needs attention. It could be as simple as getting more organized or decluttering your home. Be the change large or small, short term or long term, mental or physical, emotional or spiritual, break through the change barrier by walking through the personal growth steps. Define your goal. Make a plan. Do the work. And each step of the way, focus on how good you’ll feel on the other side of change! If you do, you’ll take a huge step toward Becoming Yourself.

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