Developing a Better You

Category: Spirit (Page 11 of 51)

Looking for Passion and Joy? Find Inspiring People

“Can you guess what this is?”

Ralph wore an infectious grin. He owns the charming Homestead B&B where my wife and I recently stayed. I examined the thimble-sized white container he held out to me, then gave up in confusion.

“It’s a regular styrofoam coffee cup,” he said. “I tied it to the outside of the submarine James Cameron took down to explore the Titanic. The water pressure shrunk it perfectly.”

For thirty years, Ralph has been in the television production business, filming everything from a Titanic documentary, to a lavish event by the royal family of Dubai, to John Travolta’s fiftieth birthday party. He talked animatedly about his work, his fascinating collection of treasures at his B&B, and his twin grandkids. He exuded passion and joy.

Ralph’s thimble-sized coffee cup

“Come look at this!”

Philip, owner of the Savvy Tea Gourmet, led me to a beat up cardboard box covered with international shipping labels. “This just arrived from Nepal. It’s an amazing tea that grows a mile high in the Himalayan Mountains.”

He gave me a tour of his shop, encouraging me to smell and sample a variety of unique teas from around the world. After enthusiastically sharing the mental and physical benefits of each type, he said, “Beyond that, drinking these teas is just a really enjoyable experience. Isn’t that what it’s about?” He exuded passion and joy.

“What brings you joy?”

Melissa posed the question to my author wife Lisa McMann during a Joyful Learning podcast interview. In addition to being a podcaster, Melissa is a school librarian, a champion of kids books, and a maker of a variety of delightful cloth items. Her “maker’s space” screamed creativity, and her eyes glowed with excitement as she talked about her various interests. She exuded passion and joy.  

My wife Lisa McMann being interviewed by Melissa Thom in her maker’s space

As I walked away from each of these amazing people, I found myself recharged, motivated and inspired. Their dedication to their passions made me want to rededicate myself to mine. Their vibrant enthusiasm for life made me want to develop that characteristic more deeply in myself.

How about you? Could you use more passion and joy? Find passionate, joyful people. Spend time with them. Ask questions. Listen to their stories. You just may find a joyful wind blowing through your own life, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published July 30, 2022.

Find Freedom by Befriending Death

It’s odd to think of befriending death.

Most of us have learned to fear death—the ending of our earthly identity, of all we know. The painful separation from loved ones. Facing the uncertain beyond.

But this idea of befriending death rings true for me. I’ve been working on it for many years. My spiritual worldview that this life is not the end certainly helps. Even if that’s not your belief, I think there’s wisdom in the following words that can help your life become fuller, richer, and deeper. Whether we exist beyond the grave or not, I hope this perspective helps you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Our first task is to befriend death. I like that expression “to befriend.” I first heard it used by Jungian analyst James Hillman when he attended a seminar I taught on Christian Spirituality at Yale Divinity School. He emphasized the importance of “befriending”: befriending your dreams, befriending your shadow, befriending your unconscious. He made it convincingly clear that in order to become full human beings, we have to claim the totality of our experience; we come to maturity by integrating not only the light but also the dark side of our story into our selfhood. That made a lot of sense to me, since I am quite familiar with my own inclination, and that of others, to avoid, deny, or suppress the painful side of life, a tendency that always leads to physical, mental, or spiritual disaster. . . .

I have a deep sense, hard to articulate, that if we could really befriend death we would be free people. So many of our doubts and hesitations, ambivalences and insecurities are bound up with our deep-seated fear of death that our lives would be significantly different if we could relate to death as a familiar guest instead of as a threatening stranger.

henri nouwen, you are the beloved

Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri Nouwen, © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust, published by Convergent Books. As featured in the Sept 17, 2023 Daily Meditation by The Henri Nouwen Society

Heal Conflict by Addressing the Hidden Emotion

Everyone on the subway car tensed.

A hulking man had just staggered on at the last stop. He was obviously drunk, and his belligerent behavior was on the edge of turning violent. One passenger, an accomplished martial artist, stood, ready to fight if needed.

Then a thin, quavering voice called out, “Friend, what have you been drinking?” Everyone turned to see a frail old man sitting in the corner, smiling serenely up at the disrupter.

The drunken man towered over the speaker, his face swollen with anger. “Sake!” he bellowed in the old man’s face.

“Ah, that’s a good drink,” the old man said. Then he gestured to the seat beside him. “Come, sit by me, friend, and tell me your troubles.”

Five minutes later, the angry giant lay with his head in the old man’s lap, tearfully pouring out his sorrows as the old man stroked his hair.

I don’t remember where I read that reportedly true story many years ago, but the vivid image never left me. How had the old man diffused a potentially volatile situation so unexpectedly? By looking past the drunken man’s presenting emotion to the one beneath. By focusing on the grief hidden behind the anger. By responding with love and understanding rather than defensiveness and judgement.

Perhaps everything terrible is, in its deepest being, something that needs our love.

rainer maria rilke

In The Emotional Craft of Fiction, author Donald Maass urges writers to surprise readers by looking past their character’s obvious emotions and revealing underlying ones. He says that humans are complex creatures, and skilled authors make the effort to dig deeper for emotional truth.

I’m trying to apply that principle in real life. Learning not to make snap judgements when someone’s less pleasant emotions are on display. Pausing to think about why that young dad might speak harshly to his child (maybe his wife just left him). Why that cashier is coming across rude and disengaged (she just heard she was being laid off). Why that elderly man is staring into space while blocking the grocery aisle with his cart (his wife of fifty-six years just died).

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

ian maclaren

A few years ago, I was walking through a park in Sacramento CA when a man standing on the sidewalk began yelling unintelligibly. People streamed by, ignoring him. Given the rate of mental illness among the city’s homeless population, the incident was unfortunately not uncommon. But something about this man seemed different to me. I walked over and asked him what was wrong. He said he’d just been discharged from the hospital and didn’t know where he was or how to get home. He wasn’t actually angry—he was scared. My wife and I hired a Lyft to take him home.

As the car pulled away, a man nearby asked me what had happened. After I explained the situation, he said, “You know if more of us took the time to do things like that, we wouldn’t need so many social programs.”

You’ve probably seen enough of life to know that all such situations aren’t resolved so easily. People and circumstances are complex. But you can learn to recognize the inner emotion behind the outer one. Respond to the fear lurking beneath your father’s anger. React to the insecurity cowering behind your coworker’s arrogance. Acknowledge the depression covered by your friend’s apathy. And like the old man on the subway, choose to respond with love. If you do, the world will be a better place, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

This post was originally published Jan 8, 2022.

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