Developing a Better You

Category: Spirit (Page 16 of 50)

The Lesson of the Shared Table

“Hey, would you like to eat with us?”

I was sitting with a friend in an Ethiopian restaurant. The tall, rough-looking man who had spoken was standing at the next table and looking past us toward the entrance. A moment later, another man approached, shook the tall man’s hand, then introduced himself to the tall man and his friend. The newcomer thanked them for the invitation, then the three of them sat and began chatting. They placed their order and soon a single large platter was delivered to their table. In true Ethiopian style, they shared their food from a common serving plate.

Later in the meal, the man who had come alone left for the restroom. While he was gone, the tall man say to his companion, “Thanks for being okay with me inviting that guy to join us.” His friend replied, “Yeah man, I could do this all day.”

I was fascinated. Invite a stranger to sit with you in a restaurant? Share a common plate with them? The idea had never occurred to me. I found myself envying the courage of the man who made the offer and the one who accepted it.

In my last post, I wrote that living with a “let them come” attitude is difficult for me, as my somewhat timid nature makes diving into new experiences intimidating. What I saw in that restaurant was a beautiful example of the type of “seize the moment” living I’m trying to learn.

My wife and I unintentionally had a similar experience years ago in Italy. We wandered into a restaurant with a small seating area. The hostess promptly led us to a table with four chairs, two of which were already occupied. We hesitated, thinking there was a mistake, but the hostess just smiled and gestured toward the two empty seats. After an awkward moment, the seated couple quickly invited us to join them.

We exchanged greetings and learned they were also Americans on vacation. We swapped travel stories and were soon laughing together. What started off as an uncomfortable surprise turned into one of the most pleasant and memorable evenings of our trip.

As I think back on those experiences, I wonder why I still hesitate to be so bold. So free. To let those moments come. Living with this level of intentionally comes with risks to be sure, but it’s also a path to growth and unexpected joy. That’s the lesson of the shared table.

So how about you? Are you willing to step outside your comfort zone? To try something new? Keep your eyes open. Seize moments, big and small. Say yes. If you do, you’ll feel a revitalizing wind blow through your life, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Chasing a Dream of Your Head vs. a Dream of Your Heart

I stared at my computer screen in despair. 

I was reading yet another rights report in a prominent book publishing industry newsletter. Every week, the latest book deals were listed, along with a photo of the author’s smiling face and details of their deal. I felt sick as I thought about my prospects. So many people want to be published. There are so many books. I’ll never break through. I’ll never see my face listed there.

The low point passed, and I refocused. I kept working at my writing craft and learning about the industry.

Months later, I caught a break. I got the chance to pitch my first book to a literary agent. He agreed to read it, then eventually signed me as a client. He sent it to an editor at one of the “big five” publishing houses in New York. She liked my book and asked if I would do some preliminary edits. I did, and she took it to her team. I was floored. I was thrilled. This was actually going to happen!

And then it didn’t. The team wasn’t enthused, so she passed on my book. My agent sent it to a host of other editors, then still more. Over the course of a year, they all said no. Then he sent my second book to another swath of editors, only to receive another long list of rejections. All the while, I kept writing, kept learning, kept growing. I wrote a third book that was never submitted, then a fourth book which my agent sent as an exclusive submission to another “big five” editor.

And then I got the call. The one I’d dreamed about since I was a kid. The editor made an offer. I had a book deal. I was going to be a published author. After another twelve months of negotiations, contracts, edit letters, and revisions, I recently opened the industry newsletter I’ve been reading for years and saw this:

It was a surreal moment. A dream-come-true moment.

Writing is a dream of my heart. I love it. The creative expression. Giving voice to the stories, feelings, and thoughts inside me. Sharing them with others. Giving them away in formats like this blog. That’s why, despite the overwhelming odds, I kept going through years of struggle. I had decided that even if my dream of a becoming a traditionally published author never came true, the journey would still be worth it.

What dream are you pursuing? What obstacles, struggles, and frustrations have you encountered along the way? Does working toward that dream make you come alive or continually drag you down? Are you seeing progress and improvement or stagnation and mediocrity? Is this a dream to set aside or one to doggedly pursue? Is it a dream of your head or your heart?

A dream of your head is something you could do, while a dream of your heart is something you must do. How can you tell the difference? Ask yourself this question—if at the end of your life your dream never came true, would you still be glad you’d tried? Would the joy of the journey and what it taught you be enough? If yes, that’s a dream of your heart.

If you feel you’d regret the blood, sweat and tears, that only achieving your goal would make the effort worth it, or if the journey is primarily a grind, you may be pursuing a dream of your head. It might be a worthwhile goal, something you’d like, but it’s not a dream of your heart. It’s not something you’d do for free for the rest of your life. It’s not what you were made for. It’s not what you were put on this earth to do.

Quiet your mind. Ask yourself the hard question—am I pursuing a dream of my head or my heart? Be brutally honest. If you believe you’re on the right path, keep going. Don’t let anything stop you. If you realize you’re chasing a dream of your head, pause. Is that dream worth your time, energy and effort? Is it worthy of your one and only life? Find the dream of your heart. Pursue it with everything you have. If you do, you’ll have a richer, more satisfying life, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Find Peace Through Simplicity (part 1): Your Stuff

My wonderful readers – I am working hard on the revisions requested by my editor for my debut novel which will publish next summer with Penguin Random House (more details to come in future posts!). So for a few weeks, I’ll be mining some popular posts from previous years. This one was originally published October 10, 2020. Thank you so much for your support and understanding! I hope you find this helpful on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.

My wife Lisa and I were scrolling through Netflix documentaries recently and came across Minimalism, a film that started us on a significant journey four years ago. Rewatching it reminded me of just how far we’d come. Back then, we were living in a big house filled with possessions. Every closet was packed. Both garages were overflowing. Everywhere you looked was more stuff. 

Watching Minimalism the first time made me realize how I’d bought into the idea that more stuff equals more happiness, even though my life experience told me that wasn’t true. That documentary showed me that my possessions come with a price – not just the cost and financial stress of buying more stuff, but the maintaining, cleaning, and storing that goes along with it. Then there’s the emotional and mental drain of living in cluttered, disorganized spaces. I looked around my house and felt the weight of it all. I was ready for a change.

Grabbing a legal pad, I wandered the house, writing down every area that needed decluttering – closets, under beds, cabinets, garages, drawers, the backyard. I ended up with an overwhelming list. Because it felt less daunting, I started with one small closet, taking everything out and sorting items into four piles: keep, sell, donate, trash. For an item to be kept, it needed to have true utility (ex: a vacuum cleaner) or bring me real joy (thanks for the tip, Marie Kondo).

Looking at the freshly cleaned and organized closet, I felt lighter, more calm. The good vibes gave me enough motivation to keep going. Week after week, month after month, I slowly made my way through the list. It took about a year and a half to do the entire house inside and out, but when I was done, the feeling was incredible. I didn’t know at the time that this was just preparing my wife and I for what was to come.

A short while later, as I was in the process of winding down my music career to pursue writing, we decided to move to California to be near our son. We took the opportunity to discuss not only where we wanted to live but how. A smaller space. Less stuff. Low maintenance. A walkable area. We opted for a significant change, moving from our rambling house in the Phoenix suburbs to a much smaller apartment in highly walkable midtown Sacramento. We packed our favorite clothes, books, mementos, and necessities and moved via one road trip, eleven shipped boxes, and checked airline luggage. Then we hired an auction company, who sold both our cars and everything else we owned in one day. Now we own relatively few possessions and no vehicles. We absolutely love our simpler lifestyle.

As we rewatched Minimalism the other day, it struck me that what once felt like such a radical idea now seems so logical and familiar. We’ve really worked a simpler, more minimalist mindset into our lives. I honestly don’t miss all our stuff. In the past when I saw large, gorgeous homes filled with the finest things, I would think how amazing it would be to live there. Now it looks crowded and stressful. So much stuff to pay for, clean, maintain, and store.

To be clear, I’m not anti-stuff. I like stuff. A certain amount of stuff does add to happiness and ease of life. But how many sweatshirts or coffee mugs or shoes or kitchen gadgets or fill-in-the-blank do I really need? Simplifying our relationship to material possessions has led to less financial, mental, and emotional stress, and more peace, contentment, free time, and relaxation. Learning to say no to debt and unnecessary purchases has opened up opportunities for us to say yes to the things we really want and value like good food, giving, and travel.

So how’s your relationship with your stuff? Does it really give you the lasting joy the advertisers promised? Try holding off on that next impulse purchase. Wait a few days and see if you still really want it. Pick an area to declutter today. Let some stuff go. See if you miss it. With each small action, you’ll feel a little less weight and a little more peace as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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