Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Category: Spirit (Page 39 of 51)

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Why Am I Here? Find Freedom and Focus with an Answer to One of Life’s Biggest Questions

August 31, 2019 / / 4 Comments

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Why am I here? Why do I even exist? Have you ever asked yourself that big question? Do you ever wrestle with a nagging sense of responsibility? The feeling that you should be spending your life well but not being sure what that actually means?

I was struggling with this question back in college and came up with an answer. Thirty years later, it’s still serving me well. Having a working response to “Why am I here?” grounds me, gives me relief from guilt, and provides an overall sense of direction and focus for my life. My specific answers may not be right for you, but I hope that reading them will help you come up with your own. So here’s my take. I exist to do 4 things:

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1. KNOW GOD – You may not believe in God. I get that. If so, feel free to skip to #2. My belief in God is based on a lot of very subjective personal experiences and some rational arguments that, while certainly not conclusive, are more compelling to me than the counter positions. I could be wrong on that score, but that’s where I’m at now. For me, this is my most important reason for existing because all my other reasons flow from it. I’ve found that pursuing a personal relationship with God fuels the other three things on my list while giving me comfort, hope, meaning and much more. 

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2. KNOW MYSELF – If you’ve read any of my other Becoming Yourself blog posts, you probably know that self-knowledge is a pretty big deal to me. I need a really good handle on who I am in order to become who I want to be. A sometimes painful peeling of the layers of my own proverbial onion is necessary for personal development. Since this is key to a rich, satisfying life, it comes in at #2 on my list. Here’s a few of my favorite quotes on this topic:

“All spiritual growth is no more than a matter of becoming who we already are.”  Richard Rohr

“The early Buddhist view is that much or most of the misery of human life resulted from the false view of self.”  Parfit

“To that which Thou hast made me, I aspire.”  George MacDonald

3. HELP OTHERS – Most of us would probably agree with this one, but have you ever wondered why? First off, I believe that if some objective standard of Right and Wrong exists, helping other people falls on the “Right” side of things. Second, the Golden Rule I learned as a kid still applies (“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Jesus in Luke 6:31) I definitely need and want people to help me, so it makes sense to reciprocate. Third, it makes me feel good. Giving some of my time, talents, effort, and money to lighten someone else’s load gives me good vibes in return.

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I’m reminded of another reason for helping others – it has a positive ripple effect. My wife Lisa and I were returning from our walk one morning when we passed a disheveled elderly man yelling something at people in the park. Unfortunately, homelessness is a common problem for many in Sacramento, so he was being ignored. As I listened, I realized he wasn’t being belligerent but asking for help. I said good morning and asked him what he needed. He explained he’d just been released from the hospital and was trying to get back to his house, about a ten minute drive away. We don’t have a car in Sacramento so we called him a Lyft and explained the situation to the driver. Once we were sure she was comfortable taking the man home for us, we got him buckled into her car, paid for the ride and gave the driver a good tip.

As the Lyft was pulling away, a man walking his dog asked us if everything was all right. After we told him what had happened, he thanked us for what we’d done. He said if we all took the time to do small things like that to help each other, then we wouldn’t need as many government social programs. I was reminded that when I help people, I motivate others to do the same.

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4. ENJOY LIFE – I think that enjoying life is not just fun and relaxing but one of my key reasons for being. It makes me much more pleasant to be around and fills my emotional tank, which helps me live out the other three reasons listed above. Spending time doing things I enjoy reminds me that I’m a human being not a human doing. I could be wrong, but I think I’m more than a cosmic accident of time + matter + energy + chance. I believe I was made for joy and a relationship with God (“I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy would be complete.” Jesus in John 15:11). Lisa and I had our kids not so they could produce work but so that we could enjoy them and they could enjoy life. I think God did the same in creating me.

Photo by John Baker on Unsplash

So how about you? Why are you here? Why do you think you exist? What reasons would make your list? Take a few minutes today to think it through. Keep your answer short. Make it simple. Easy to remember. Enjoy the freedom and focus that having an answer brings. Use it as a framework to build your life around. Let it guide your future plans and daily decisions. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.

A Model for Personal Growth: Finding (and Being) a Mentor

July 20, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Have you ever met someone who’s life you wanted to imitate? For me, his name is Clare. I got to know him because our sons have been best friends since kindergarten. He’s about ten years older than me, and the more we spent time together, the more I was intrigued by him. By his perspective. By his attitude. By his approach to life. By the way he talked about deep things in a casual, approachable way. There was just something about about the freedom, spontaneity, and balance he seemed to have that struck a chord with me.

I started being more intentional during our interactions. I asked open ended questions about life, then listened closely to what he had to say, trying to absorb as much as I could. We talked about raising kids, marriage, careers, faith, money management, death, retirement, serving others, traveling, you name it. He often challenged my thinking without ever pressuring me to change. Clare just offered his perspective and was content to let me do with it what I would.

Some of his beliefs and habits I adopted right away, but there were others I wasn’t ready for. They were too far outside of my mental box. I wasn’t equipped yet to understand or embrace them. As the years have passed and I’ve been exposed to more experiences, ideas, and relationships, I’ve come to embrace more and more of his way of thinking in many areas.

My friendship with Clare gave me a model of what my life could be like. Of what I could be like. He’s been a resource, a sounding board, and a source of wisdom for me over the years. Almost without my realizing it, Clare became a mentor to me.

A younger friend recently reached out to me asking if I’d be a mentor to him. I was honestly very surprised and humbled. After taking some time to think and pray about it, I decided it was something I wanted to do. I shared with him that I certainly don’t have all the answers, but, like Clare did with me, I was willing to give what I have. I told him that my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs on various topics have changed since I was his age twenty years ago. I explained that we might disagree on things and that’s okay. I let him know I was grateful for the opportunity to pass on what I’ve learned and was looking forward to what he will teach me in return.

So how about you? Could you use a “general life” mentor? Is there someone whose life, attitude, and perspective seems different, intriguing, and appealing? If you’re already spending time with that person, be intentional about the questions you ask. Draw them out. Soak up what they have to offer. If they’re not in your regular relational circle, reach out. Make the ask. Be clear about what you’re looking for. If they agree, makes sure you understand and respect their boundaries. Set clear parameters and expectations for the mentorship. For example, my friend and I agreed that, since we live in different states, we would FaceTime over our lunch hour once a week. We gave each other permission to share what we discussed with our spouses unless one of us specifically asked to keep something between us. That kind of clarity saves confusion and hurt feelings.

On the other side of the coin, are you living a life that would prepare you for being a mentor? Are you becoming a person that people notice because, in a good way, you stand out from the crowd? Does your life have something to say? I’m not talking about being arrogant or advertising yourself as a mentor, though professional life coaches definitely have their place. I’m saying that if you’ve worked steadily at personal development over a long period of time, it’s natural that you’d have something to offer other people who are attempting to walk the same path. If you are living in an open and real way in day-to-day relationships with people who are in different seasons of life, you may be asked to be a mentor. You can’t control that of course, but you can control the person you’re becoming. In addition, you could volunteer at one of a wide variety of organizations looking for people to serve as mentors of different types (check volunteermatch.org for opportunities near you).

My mentor Clare

I believe one reason to work hard at personal development is to attain a better quality of life for yourself. I think a second is to help provide a better quality of life for others. That’s why I said yes to mentoring my friend. That’s why I write this blog. As Clare was generous in sharing his life with me, I want to do the same for others however I can.

So ask yourself these questions:

  1. Is there someone who could be a mentor in your life?
  2. Are you working steadily at becoming a person others would look to for mentoring? Are there ways you could mentor someone now?

Be honest with your answers. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Want a Better Life? Take a Moment to “Clean the Glass”

June 1, 2019 / / 0 Comments

The sliding glass door was filthy. Our apartment’s balcony has a great park view, but Sacramento’s rainy season had given the door a film of splotchy dust. I stared at it for weeks thinking, “I really should clean that.” Every time, I shrugged my mental shoulders and thought, “It’s good enough.”

About a week ago, I had a little time between commitments, and the slider door once again caught my eye. I decided I’d put it off long enough and finally took fifteen minutes to clean the glass. The difference was amazing. The view became so vibrant and clear that I couldn’t stop looking at it. And of course, the thought that went through my head was, “That was so worth it. Why did I put this off for so long?”

The view from our apartment balcony

How often have I done the same thing with my personal growth? I know there are things that need a little work – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual windows that have gotten dirty through the rainy seasons of life. Areas that need attention. But when I look at them all, I get overwhelmed. I feel paralyzed, so I put off doing anything. I rationalize and say, “Good enough.” My friendships are “good enough.” My physical health is “good enough.” My level of fear and anxiety is “good enough.” My relationship with God is “good enough.” But a “good enough” perspective won’t get me the life I really want.

I’m not talking about perfectionism or chasing an unrealistic ideal. I’ve fallen into that trap before, and it just leads to feeling like a failure most of the time. And I don’t mean a measurement of personal worth either, as in whether or not I am “good enough.” I believe my worth and personal identity comes from who I am, or more specifically, whose I am – God’s child. Regardless of what you base those things on, that’s a different category than what I’m talking about here.

As I did with cleaning the slider door, I’ve procrastinated taking personal growth steps so many times. Like finding a new place to volunteer helping people who are struggling with homelessness. I had an organization in Phoenix I regularly worked with, but I’ve put off starting up again since I moved to Sacramento. I’d gotten out of the habit. I told myself I was too busy. Too tired. In reality, I was scared to try someplace new. Eventually, I told myself to volunteer just once with a local group I’d read about. I finally did, and I loved it.

I needed to break down my bigger goal of helping to address the homeless crisis in Sacramento into smaller steps and then tell myself I only needed to take the first one. Now the feeling of accomplishment motivates me to keep going. As usual, the hardest part was just getting started. Like when I took in the view through clean glass, I wondered why I had put off volunteering for so long.

So what sliding glass door do you need to clean in your life today? It it a mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual one? What small step can you take in just one area? Maybe it’s going for a walk to kickstart your physical goals. Or meditating for 3 minutes with the Calm phone app to work on your anxiety. It might be checking out the website of that church you’ve been meaning to try. Sending that text to a struggling friend you’ve been thinking about. Tidying up that one room. Start small. Do that one thing, then enjoy the beautiful view through the glass. If you do, you’ll take another important step toward Becoming Yourself.

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