My parents’ house
It started as a quick run to the drug store. I was visiting my parents in the small Michigan town where I grew up. The drive to Rite Aid took me past an old cemetery where I used ride my bike as a kid. Maybe it was just nostalgia, but I spontaneously decided to pull in.
I parked my dad’s van and started walking around the cemetery grounds. Stood at my grandparents’ grave marker. Lingered beneath the towering statue of Jesus that I used to gaze at in wonder. Strolled along the river where my best friend and I went canoeing. Wandered by the pond where my mom took me and my sisters to feed the ducks.
Where I lived until age nine
Back in the van, I continued on until I found myself going by the house where I lived until age nine. I pulled over to the side of the road and was surprised how little it had changed. I remembered playing Kick the Can in the front yard with the neighborhood kids. The scratchy red couch in the living room. Listening to Bay City Rollers records in my sisters’ bedroom.
The site of my kindergarten playground
My final stop was my old elementary school. I got out and walked the empty playground. Remembered being bullied by some older kids. Falling off the swing set and breaking my nose. My first stolen kiss behind the blackboard.
The grave marker of my grandparents Earl and Virginia McMann
I pulled back onto the road thinking about growing up in this town. How it shaped me. How my experiences here impacted who I am. It reminded me of a simple but profound truth – to get where I want to go, I have to remember where I’ve been.
My childhood dog Skipper, painted by my mom
As someone interested in personal development, I often think about who I want to become. I look in the mirror to assess where I’m at and devise plans to reach my goals. Those are good and necessary aspects of personal growth, but if I only focus on the present (who I am) and the future (who I want to become), then I’m missing a step. To successfully move toward a better version of myself, I also need to remember the past (who I was). Where I’ve been. What I’ve experienced. My triumphs and tragedies. The breakthroughs and heartbreaks. The joys I wish I could relive and the pain I’d pay dearly to forget.
This process of looking back is critical because it helps me see why I am the way I am. It shows me which aspects of myself I need to focus on. What struggles and pitfalls might trip me up. Sorting through what I carry with me from my past shines a clarifying light on the obstacles that I need to overcome in my present. Things I need to address if I’m to become who I want to be in my future.
Me with my sisters Shannon and Holli in 1972
So take the time to look back. Wander the town where you grew up. Flip through childhood photos or your high school yearbook. Read old letters or journal entries. Spend time with family and friends who influenced your earlier stages. Reflect on who you were then and how the experiences you had impact who you are now. Let that knowledge light the path that leads to who you want to be. If you do, you’ll take another great step toward Becoming Yourself.
Kate Spade. Anthony Bourdain. For those even marginally acquainted with fashion or food culture, these are familiar names. They had a lot in common. Kate was a celebrity fashion designer. Anthony was a celebrity chef, author and TV personality. Both were incredibly successful in their careers. Both were widely admired. Both were rich. Both were famous. Both recently took their own lives.
So many of us dream of having wealth, fame, admiration, influence, and success in our careers. We often think that achieving these goals would be the epitome of a life worth living. Kate and Anthony had all of those things. Apparently it wasn’t enough.
I don’t pretend to understand the private circumstances or mental illnesses that drove them to such a decision. I cast no judgment. We never really know what it’s like to live another’s life, so we should always err on the side of compassion. But I think there’s one safe conclusion that we can draw from these sad events. Actor and comedian Jim Carrey said it well: “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”
1. LOVING RELATIONSHIPS – You’ve probably heard the cliche: no-one on their deathbed regrets not working more but many regret broken relationships or not spending more time with loved ones. I think this is a cliche for a reason – it’s true. For me, loving relationships with God, others, and myself are the heart of what makes life worth living (for more on relationships, 
3. HOPE – Without hope that I can change, that life can get better, that a preferred future is attainable, I lose motivation. My incentive to grow fades. The passion to pursue my dreams cools. The encouragement I need to keep trying is missing. I’ve heard it said that everyone needs someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. I think that pretty much sums up these first three keys for me (for more on hope and where I find it, 
4. TRUE IDENTITY – Who am I? It’s one of the most fundamental questions we can ask ourselves. We can base our identity on any number of things – a job, an ability, another person, a bank account. What we use to define who we are has an enormous impact on our sense of worth. For me, there’s only one thing secure enough, one place to find my real self, one truth that grounds my identity and helps makes life worth living (for my answer and more on identity, 
5. SECURITY – Am I going to be okay? That’s another big question that we asked as children and, if we’re honest, have never really stopped asking. There’s a story that helps me answer this one. Whatever your thoughts about Jesus, I’m guessing most of us would agree that he had pretty good insights on life. The Bible records him telling a parable about two builders (see 
So how about you? What makes your life worth living? What would make your top five list? Answer with raw honesty. Structure your life around those answers. Choose your foundation well. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.
I was writhing in agony. The burning pain across my abdomen was consuming. After several hours with no relief, I had my wife Lisa take me to the emergency room.
Then a surgeon put everything on hold. He had reviewed some of my results and wanted to talk. He explained that if the issue was my gallbladder, they would expect my pain to be localized in my upper right abdomen and my blood counts to be elevated. But my pain was generalized and my blood work was perfect. That said, there were still some indications that made him believe that my gallbladder was involved somehow, and I was likely to have a similar attack in the future.
He gave me a choice – go home and see what happens or go into surgery that night and have my gallbladder removed. They would really only know the true status of my gallbladder by going in. It was up to me.
It turned out to be a good decision. During surgery, they found I had a gallstone about two-thirds the size of a golfball and that my gallbladder was turning black and dying. It was pretty clear they’d found the source of my problems.
We tend to stop running when we hit a wall. After six months of sending signals that something was wrong, my body finally said, “Enough.” It gave me so much pain that I had no other option than to do a concentrated, thorough search for the source of my problems. Maybe that’s part of the reason my decision to have the surgery was relatively easy. I was tired of running.
This experience has reminded me of the importance of doing the hard work of self development. Of peeling back the layers of my life. Of digging up the roots of my identity. Of thinking through the conflicting motivations that influence my choices and actions. Of weighing who I really am and who I want to become. That kind of concentrated, thorough searching really is the only way to find out certain things about myself. Things I need to know to have a fully realized, fully satisfying life. The life I really want.
And personal development is not just for my benefit. When I work to become a better version of myself, it has a positive ripple effect on those around me and the broader community. As I look at the world today, it seems pretty evident that we are in desperate need of mature people focused on personal growth. When I do the kinds of internal work I talk about here at Becoming Yourself, I become the change I want to see in the world. As Michael Jackson so eloquently encouraged us, I’m starting with the man in the mirror.
So what about you? What “symptoms” are showing up in your life? Are you anxious, fatigued, depressed, fearful, uncertain? What might these signs be trying to tell you? Are you subconsciously attempting to mask them or are you genuinely digging for the root cause through reading, wise counsel, reflection, prayer, meditation? I encourage you to do the work. Search for real answers. Find your underlying issues and deal with them head on. It’s scary at times but also liberating and SO worth it! Your life, and the lives of those around you, will be far better for it. Commit to the long, steady walk of personal development. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.