Our favorite walking place – Desert Arroyo Park in Mesa, AZ
The morning started off like any other. I had just finished stretching and was about to do my normal routine of prayer, meditation, and personal growth reading before my wife Lisa and I took our walk in a nearby park. Then she threw the curveball: “Can we go for our walk now before it gets too hot?”
I paused. This was not the plan. However, as we live in Phoenix and the temperature was predicted to hit 115 degrees that day, the request seemed a reasonable one. “Sure,” I said. “I’m flexible.” Her immediate reply? “No, you’re not.”
My first instinct was to contradict her. I could feel myself get defensive. But then I decided to be honest. “You’re right,” I said. “I’m not. But that’s something I need to work on.”
So I switched mental gears, and we headed off to the park. As we were taking our walk, I was given another opportunity to be flexible. I started processing aloud some of the big decisions we were wrestling with, like whether or not to move and which retirement investments to pursue. I asked her questions, and she answered me but without a lot of enthusiasm. I missed the cues she was sending and continued talking. Finally Lisa said, “Look, I really just want to play some Pokemon here.” (Apparently, I’m not the only one who needs to work on being flexible. But I digress.)
Two important things to note at this point in the story:
1. Lisa is very smart and normally very engaged in our discussions about important issues.
2. Lisa takes her PokemonGo playing very seriously (for those of you in the know, she’s a level 38 trainer – enough said).
Finally realizing that her expectations for what we would do during our walk were different than mine, I said, “ Well, I’m just going to go for my run then.” She thought that was a great idea (no surprise there) so off I went. As I ran, I began to think, reflect on life, and pray. When I finished running, I sat on a bench and read my personal development daily emails (from Richard Rohr at Center for Action and Contemplation and John Eldredge at Ransomed Heart ) while I waited for her to finish her walk.
As I sat there, I realized the whole situation had actually worked out great. Lisa got to do what she wanted to do, and I had stumbled onto a new way to do my morning routine. The change of method and the new venue made it feel fresh, and I discovered that it fit really well when combined with our daily walk.
Here are a few things I learned from that experience:
1. I need other people to speak into my life – Lisa brought up something that I needed to work on – being flexible. As hard as it was to admit, she was right. I’m a very routine driven person with a strong expectations of how things should go. Those traits can be strengths but at a certain point they become weaknesses. I had to be open to her critique, fight the urge to be defensive, and look at myself honestly. When I did, I put myself in a position to grow. I need to give people I trust permission to speak into my life and welcome it when they do. It’s painful but very necessary if I’m going to become who I want to be.
2. I need to be more flexible – This isn’t my natural inclination. When I find something I like or that works for me, I tend to stick with it until I’m forced to change. But I’ve found that when I’m flexible and break out of my routines, good stuff tends to happen. I learn new things. I have cool experiences. I meet interesting people. And I sometimes find new habits and routines that are more efficient, effective and / or enjoyable than my old ones.
Life is a great teacher if we just pay attention. Things happen everyday that we can learn from if we train ourselves to be observant. To take a moment to reflect. To ask questions like “What just happened here? What can I learn about myself from this?”
So how about you? Are you inviting people to speak into your life? Give one person that permission today. Are you flexible and willing to try new things? Look for an opportunity to change your routine today. Are you open to the lessons life has to teach you? Take a moment to reflect on something you experience today. If you do, you’ll take another huge step toward Becoming Yourself.
Kate Spade. Anthony Bourdain. For those even marginally acquainted with fashion or food culture, these are familiar names. They had a lot in common. Kate was a celebrity fashion designer. Anthony was a celebrity chef, author and TV personality. Both were incredibly successful in their careers. Both were widely admired. Both were rich. Both were famous. Both recently took their own lives.
So many of us dream of having wealth, fame, admiration, influence, and success in our careers. We often think that achieving these goals would be the epitome of a life worth living. Kate and Anthony had all of those things. Apparently it wasn’t enough.
I don’t pretend to understand the private circumstances or mental illnesses that drove them to such a decision. I cast no judgment. We never really know what it’s like to live another’s life, so we should always err on the side of compassion. But I think there’s one safe conclusion that we can draw from these sad events. Actor and comedian Jim Carrey said it well: “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”
1. LOVING RELATIONSHIPS – You’ve probably heard the cliche: no-one on their deathbed regrets not working more but many regret broken relationships or not spending more time with loved ones. I think this is a cliche for a reason – it’s true. For me, loving relationships with God, others, and myself are the heart of what makes life worth living (for more on relationships, 
3. HOPE – Without hope that I can change, that life can get better, that a preferred future is attainable, I lose motivation. My incentive to grow fades. The passion to pursue my dreams cools. The encouragement I need to keep trying is missing. I’ve heard it said that everyone needs someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. I think that pretty much sums up these first three keys for me (for more on hope and where I find it, 
4. TRUE IDENTITY – Who am I? It’s one of the most fundamental questions we can ask ourselves. We can base our identity on any number of things – a job, an ability, another person, a bank account. What we use to define who we are has an enormous impact on our sense of worth. For me, there’s only one thing secure enough, one place to find my real self, one truth that grounds my identity and helps makes life worth living (for my answer and more on identity, 
5. SECURITY – Am I going to be okay? That’s another big question that we asked as children and, if we’re honest, have never really stopped asking. There’s a story that helps me answer this one. Whatever your thoughts about Jesus, I’m guessing most of us would agree that he had pretty good insights on life. The Bible records him telling a parable about two builders (see 
So how about you? What makes your life worth living? What would make your top five list? Answer with raw honesty. Structure your life around those answers. Choose your foundation well. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.
For him and any others with that same question, here are some practical ideas on how to engage in community:
Sitting in your living room waiting for community to happen isn’t going to work. Even though I’m an introvert, I stop and introduce myself to neighbors while out running. Take cookies to new people who move into my area. Volunteer regularly with a charitable organization. Play in a band at a church. Initiate monthly gatherings with some author friends. Schedule poker nights. Through all these efforts, I’ve been able to find really wonderful community. Life is busy. People are busy. If you don’t step up and initiate connections, it probably wont happen. Make time for the things that are important.
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b. I’ve had an accountability partner for over 15 years. A friend I meet with regularly to talk about life. Someone I open up to. Share my struggles with. Tell them the kind of person I want to be and ask for their help. Give them permission to ask me hard questions and speak into my life. It’s an incredible, tank-filling relationship. I was invited into this by my first accountability partner, and I learned about the power of this kind of relationship. When my job took me to a new state, I asked one of my new work friends to take on that role. When he moved away a few years later, I asked a different friend if he would step up. Over ten years, that partnership has become second only to my relationships with God and my wife and kids. Our lunches are one of the highlights of my week. I have that relationship because I asked for it. I admitted that I need help to become the kind of person I want to be and discovered that he desired the same thing.
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