Kate Spade. Anthony Bourdain. For those even marginally acquainted with fashion or food culture, these are familiar names. They had a lot in common. Kate was a celebrity fashion designer. Anthony was a celebrity chef, author and TV personality. Both were incredibly successful in their careers. Both were widely admired. Both were rich. Both were famous. Both recently took their own lives.
Whenever anyone dies by suicide, it’s a tragedy. But each time such an outwardly accomplished person makes this choice, it puts an even bigger spotlight on one question – what makes life worth living?
So many of us dream of having wealth, fame, admiration, influence, and success in our careers. We often think that achieving these goals would be the epitome of a life worth living. Kate and Anthony had all of those things. Apparently it wasn’t enough.
I don’t pretend to understand the private circumstances or mental illnesses that drove them to such a decision. I cast no judgment. We never really know what it’s like to live another’s life, so we should always err on the side of compassion. But I think there’s one safe conclusion that we can draw from these sad events. Actor and comedian Jim Carrey said it well: “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”
So what is the answer then? What does make life worth living? That’s a question with many responses, one that each person needs to decide for themselves. What I offer here is simply my own opinion at this stage of my journey. I don’t pretend to say anything original or particularly inspired. I simply hope that reading this will help you process your own answer to this fundamental question.
What makes life worth living? Here are my top 5 answers:
1. LOVING RELATIONSHIPS – You’ve probably heard the cliche: no-one on their deathbed regrets not working more but many regret broken relationships or not spending more time with loved ones. I think this is a cliche for a reason – it’s true. For me, loving relationships with God, others, and myself are the heart of what makes life worth living (for more on relationships, see this previous post).
2. MEANING & PURPOSE – Rick Warren’s book The Purpose Driven Life is one of the best selling non-fiction books in history. Why? Because it hit a common nerve. We all long for some degree of meaning and purpose in our lives. To feel like we matter. That our lives make a difference. For me, believing that I matter to God gives me meaning. Working in my passion areas to help others gives me purpose. Both are keys to a life worth living.
3. HOPE – Without hope that I can change, that life can get better, that a preferred future is attainable, I lose motivation. My incentive to grow fades. The passion to pursue my dreams cools. The encouragement I need to keep trying is missing. I’ve heard it said that everyone needs someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. I think that pretty much sums up these first three keys for me (for more on hope and where I find it, see this previous post).
4. TRUE IDENTITY – Who am I? It’s one of the most fundamental questions we can ask ourselves. We can base our identity on any number of things – a job, an ability, another person, a bank account. What we use to define who we are has an enormous impact on our sense of worth. For me, there’s only one thing secure enough, one place to find my real self, one truth that grounds my identity and helps makes life worth living (for my answer and more on identity, see this previous post).
5. SECURITY – Am I going to be okay? That’s another big question that we asked as children and, if we’re honest, have never really stopped asking. There’s a story that helps me answer this one. Whatever your thoughts about Jesus, I’m guessing most of us would agree that he had pretty good insights on life. The Bible records him telling a parable about two builders (see Matthew 7:24-27). One built his house on sand, the other on rock. When a storm came, the house built on sand collapsed because it lacked a stable foundation. The house built on rock stood strong because its foundation was secure. Like our identity, we can choose to build our lives on a lot of different things. I believe this choice of foundation is one of the most important decisions we’ll ever make. Storms are inevitable. Our foundation will determine if we’ll stay standing when they hit. For me, my relationship with God provides that foundation, the anchor for my life that will be there no matter what comes.
So how about you? What makes your life worth living? What would make your top five list? Answer with raw honesty. Structure your life around those answers. Choose your foundation well. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.
“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”
Matthew 7:24-27 (New Living Translation of the Bible)
For him and any others with that same question, here are some practical ideas on how to engage in community:
Sitting in your living room waiting for community to happen isn’t going to work. Even though I’m an introvert, I stop and introduce myself to neighbors while out running. Take cookies to new people who move into my area. Volunteer regularly with a charitable organization. Play in a band at a church. Initiate monthly gatherings with some author friends. Schedule poker nights. Through all these efforts, I’ve been able to find really wonderful community. Life is busy. People are busy. If you don’t step up and initiate connections, it probably wont happen. Make time for the things that are important.
3.
4.
b. I’ve had an accountability partner for over 15 years. A friend I meet with regularly to talk about life. Someone I open up to. Share my struggles with. Tell them the kind of person I want to be and ask for their help. Give them permission to ask me hard questions and speak into my life. It’s an incredible, tank-filling relationship. I was invited into this by my first accountability partner, and I learned about the power of this kind of relationship. When my job took me to a new state, I asked one of my new work friends to take on that role. When he moved away a few years later, I asked a different friend if he would step up. Over ten years, that partnership has become second only to my relationships with God and my wife and kids. Our lunches are one of the highlights of my week. I have that relationship because I asked for it. I admitted that I need help to become the kind of person I want to be and discovered that he desired the same thing.
5.
It came as tragedies often do – unexpectedly. I was setting up for an Easter music rehearsal at the church where I would be singing when a member of the band came in looking exhausted. He’d gotten a call just six hours earlier that his good friend and brother-in-law had gone into the hospital for a routine, out-patient procedure that morning and died on the table. A simple biopsy led to internal bleeding, and suddenly he was gone.
Isn’t that true? In moments like that, when life turns sideways, we’re reminded of how good it is to have people around us. To know and be known. To love and be loved. It helps in good times too. Having people to share victories with makes them all the sweeter. I’ve heard it said that sorrows shared are halved and joys shared are multiplied. I think that’s about right.
I’ve been thinking a lot about community lately. My wife Lisa and I have been discussing where and how we want to live in this next season of life. Our son Kilian is a graphic designer in Sacramento and our daughter Kennedy heads to New York in a few months to pursue acting after her college graduation. We live in Phoenix in a house that’s more than we need for just the two of us. As an author, Lisa can work from anywhere, and as a contract church musician moving into novel and personal development writing, I have a lot of flexibility as well. Do we move near one of the kids? Downsize to a condo in Arizona? Stay in our current house so we have room for visits from potential future grandchildren?
It’s about more than just having someone to hang out with. Even more than having people who will hold me up in the hard times and share my joy when life is good. It’s about the kind of person I want to be. I’ve come to learn that I can’t become myself alone. I can’t fully develop into my true self without other people. Friends who help me discover the best in me. Who challenge me to smooth out my rough edges. Who encourage me to grow into the deepest, truest, most satisfying, and joyful version of myself.
That kind of community comes with a price. Relationships are messy, time consuming, and sometimes exhausting. There’s always the risk of being hurt or disappointed. But I wouldn’t want to live my life any other way. I’ve found that the benefits far outweighs the costs. My life is richer, more satisfying, and more joyful because of the people close to me. And I’m a better person too.
If you want to grow in this area, you may need to reach out to family or old friends who have drifted away. Or maybe you can seek out real relationships at work or a church or a club or a class. My son Kilian found community in his new city by going to “Game of Thrones” and Bar Trivia groups posted on