Developing a Better You

Category: Relationships (Page 2 of 13)

The Lesson of the Shared Table

“Hey, would you like to eat with us?”

I was sitting with a friend in an Ethiopian restaurant. The tall, rough-looking man who had spoken was standing at the next table and looking past us toward the entrance. A moment later, another man approached, shook the tall man’s hand, then introduced himself to the tall man and his friend. The newcomer thanked them for the invitation, then the three of them sat and began chatting. They placed their order and soon a single large platter was delivered to their table. In true Ethiopian style, they shared their food from a common serving plate.

Later in the meal, the man who had come alone left for the restroom. While he was gone, the tall man say to his companion, “Thanks for being okay with me inviting that guy to join us.” His friend replied, “Yeah man, I could do this all day.”

I was fascinated. Invite a stranger to sit with you in a restaurant? Share a common plate with them? The idea had never occurred to me. I found myself envying the courage of the man who made the offer and the one who accepted it.

In my last post, I wrote that living with a “let them come” attitude is difficult for me, as my somewhat timid nature makes diving into new experiences intimidating. What I saw in that restaurant was a beautiful example of the type of “seize the moment” living I’m trying to learn.

My wife and I unintentionally had a similar experience years ago in Italy. We wandered into a restaurant with a small seating area. The hostess promptly led us to a table with four chairs, two of which were already occupied. We hesitated, thinking there was a mistake, but the hostess just smiled and gestured toward the two empty seats. After an awkward moment, the seated couple quickly invited us to join them.

We exchanged greetings and learned they were also Americans on vacation. We swapped travel stories and were soon laughing together. What started off as an uncomfortable surprise turned into one of the most pleasant and memorable evenings of our trip.

As I think back on those experiences, I wonder why I still hesitate to be so bold. So free. To let those moments come. Living with this level of intentionally comes with risks to be sure, but it’s also a path to growth and unexpected joy. That’s the lesson of the shared table.

So how about you? Are you willing to step outside your comfort zone? To try something new? Keep your eyes open. Seize moments, big and small. Say yes. If you do, you’ll feel a revitalizing wind blow through your life, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Hard Lessons: Learning from Your Mistakes

This post was originally published in November of 2020.

I screwed up.

Recently I was giving a couple of suitcases to a group of houseless neighbors who shelter across the street from our condo (you can read that story here) when a man asked me if I had any socks. I told him I would find some for him. I ordered several ten packs online and a few nights later went down to give them to the man and anyone else who wanted some.

As with the suitcases, the socks were welcomed eagerly by the ten or so people gathered there. As I handed them out, I noticed one young man sitting away from the group. I approached and asked if he’d like some. He nodded and I handed him a pair. Realizing I had one pair left in the bag, I said, “Here’s another,” and tossed it to him.

Within seconds the additional pair was rocketing back at my head.

“I don’t want it,” he said tersely. Startled and embarrassed, I muttered an apology. Retrieving the projectile pair, I laid it by a sleeping couple and left.

As I walked away, I replayed the scene in my head. At first, my embarrassment gave way to mild indignation. The other people had been so grateful. How could that man be so rude after being given a gift?

Then it hit me. He was right to be upset. In tossing him that second pair, I never stopped to think how it would feel to be in his position of needing to accept socks from a stranger. I assumed what he wanted and needed instead of asking. I didn’t give him the respect he deserved.

As much as that exchange stung, the man did me a favor. I’m grateful. He taught me an important lesson, one that will hopefully help me to do better next time.  

Reaching out to help others is a wonderful thing. But as you do, remember to put yourself in the place of the person you’re trying to help. Act as you would want someone to act toward you if the situation was reversed. Give each person the dignity they deserve regardless of their circumstances. If you do, you’ll help to build a better world and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Relationship Struggles? Decide if it’s Ballast or Baggage

They’re cheesy. Totally predictable. Usually unrealistic. And sometimes surprisingly wise.

During a recent visit with my parents, we watched a Hallmark movie. For those unfamiliar, these are family friendly, made for TV, romantic movies shown on the Hallmark channel. Classic “boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back” plot lines. Always a happy ending.

In Roadhouse Romance, our heroine, who recently returned to her quaint hometown, was caught in a love triangle with two suitors—the enigmatic big-city stranger and her former long-time sweetheart. In describing her recent date with her old boyfriend, she said, “I’m trying to decide if he’s ballast or baggage. One keeps you grounded, the other holds you back.”

All relationships change over time. Be they romantic, friendship, family, work-related or something else, relationships move like ships on the ocean. Sometimes they plow ahead full throttle, sometimes they drift aimlessly, sometimes they drag their anchors.

When a relationship hits the proverbial rocks, ask yourself this question: is the relationship ballast or baggage? Does it provide you with mental or emotional stability, grounding you deeper into the kind of person you want to be? Does it help you move in the direction of your dreams and goals? Or does the relationship weigh you down? Has it become an anchor that needs to be released in order for you to move on? 

Two important things to remember as you wrestle with those questions:

1. People are not objects to be used for personal gain.

We’ve all seen or been victims of people who used a relationship purely for their own temporary advantage. Once they got what they wanted, be it career advancement, sex, a favor, information, etc., they discarded the other person. That is horribly manipulative and damaging and not what I’m talking about here. Nor am I advocating selfishly discarding one’s marriage or family to “find yourself” or because you believe they are “holding you back.” Being honest with yourself and others about your true motivations is key.

2. Many relationships have seasons.

While healthy connections with family members are examples of relationships that act as life-long ballast, others are only meant for a season. They act as ballast in one period of your life but become baggage in another. Many romantic relationships, high school and college friendships, and work-specific connections are of this type. You enter into them with hope and good intentions. For awhile, they are mutually life-giving as you help each other learn and grow.

Then change comes. You discover that you have different values or grow in different directions or you graduate or change jobs or move away. Some of these relationships may survive significant change and continue as wonderful ballast, but those will likely be the exceptions. There is a temptation to cling to a relationship whose season has ended out familiarity, codependency, a desire to avoid conflict, or the fear of being alone. Such a relationship then becomes baggage, hindering you from moving on. Far better to acknowledge that the relationship has run its course, be grateful for the gift it has been to you, and respectfully let it go.

So when you have a relationship that is giving you pause, ask the hard question: is it ballast or baggage? Answer honestly. Seek trusted advice. Then dig in and do the work or graciously bid it farewell. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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