It started with my wife Lisa and I heading out for a walk. In the lobby of our apartment building, we noticed a woman we’d never met before and introduced ourselves. Her name was Helen. We began chatting and found her delightful. She had moved into the building by herself a few months earlier and didn’t know many people. We exchanged contact info, and Lisa encouraged Helen to reach out to us anytime.
Later that evening, I got an email from Helen inviting us to lunch. We happily accepted, and a few days later we enjoyed a meal together in a local restaurant. Over the course of several hours, we had a fascinating, wide-ranging discussion about careers, life experiences, religion, politics, children, food, and travel.
We learned that Helen is an amazing person with a powerful life story. She was born into a Jewish family in Poland the day before Hitler invaded and spent her early years in a Siberian labor camp. She endured incredible hardships in various countries before immigrating to the United States as a teenager. Helen speaks several languages, has a dry sense of humor, converses articulately on a wide range of subjects, and, at age seventy-nine, is probably in better shape than I am.
As I reflected back on our interaction with Helen, I realized it was much more than just an engaging lunch. As a person committed to becoming the best version of myself, spending time with people who have different backgrounds and perspectives than my own is vital. While having friends who are of a similar age and season of life is wonderful and important, I’m sharpened and stretched in different ways when I expand my circle of relationships to include people who are not just like me.
We are put on this planet only once and to limit ourselves to the familiar is a crime against our minds.
Roger Ebert
Helen and I are very different people. We have differences in upbringing, culture, language, gender, generation, spiritual perspective, and life experiences. But through spending time with her, I found that my thinking about life, myself, and the world around me was enriched, broadened, and wonderfully challenged. And along the way, we found common ground in our love of music, Japanese cuisine, politics, long walks, and our search for meaning and purpose in life. I’m a better person for being able to call Helen my friend.
So how about you? Do you have people in your life who see things differently? Do you seek them out? Are you exposing yourself to new ideas and perspectives? If you only surround yourself with people who look, think, and act like you, your growth will be significantly limited.
When you are around people whose stories aren’t similar to yours, do you merely tolerate their varied perspectives or do you genuinely try to understand them? Are you open to seeing what you can learn? Being strong in your views is not a bad thing, but it can unintentionally lead to arrogant, dismissive, or demeaning attitudes and behavior. It’s a trap I’ve fallen into before, one that I regularly have to remind myself to avoid. I don’t think I’m alone in that struggle.
So if you’re committed to personal growth, if you want to become a better version of yourself, I challenge you to seek out people with different perspectives. Invite them for lunch or coffee. Ask open ended questions and then truly listen. See what you can learn. Be open to having your opinions changed. Share your own thoughts with humility and respect. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
It was mostly my own stupidity plus a little bad luck.
Last week, I had scheduled plenty of time to go home after my 11:45 am blood donation to eat a meal before my 3:00 pm haircut. Both locations are just down the street from my Sacramento apartment and easily walkable. I’d donate blood, stop home to eat and rest, then head to my haircut. No problem.
Things didn’t work out that way. When I arrived to donate, the nurse asked if I would be willing to do a double donation, simultaneously giving both platelets and plasma. She said it would take about 90 minutes. As that would still give me plenty of time before my haircut, I agreed. But the blood donation center was implementing a new software system which slowed down the check in process. Then once I had been in the chair for about 15 minutes, my left arm stopped cooperating causing an issue with the blood draw. The nurse said she’d need to switch to my right arm and start the process over again.
By the time I was actually finished donating, it was 2:30 pm. With the required 15 minute recovery period in the waiting area, I no longer had time to get a meal before my 3:00 pm haircut. I knew it wasn’t ideal, but I loaded up on the available free snacks to get me through until I got home.
As the haircut began, I started feeling a little unwell. No big deal, I thought, I’ll just gut it out. Then I began to sweat. A lot. Hair clippings were sticking to my face. I became lightheaded and nauseous. It was at that moment I realized I was in trouble. The affects of the double donation and lack of food had hit me hard, but my options seemed limited. How do you stop in the middle of a haircut? I let the stylist know what was happening and asked her to go as fast as she could.
The staff at the salon was awesome. While my stylist kicked it into overdrive, other people brought me some water and mini candy canes from the front counter. I chewed them, desperately trying to get some sugar into my system. Then my vision started to go. I could only make out blurry patches of light through the blackness as I struggled to stay upright in the chair. They offered to call 911 as my stylist finished, but I said I just needed to lie down. Two staff members helped me out of the chair and over to a nearby bench. Still unable to see clearly, I used voice command on my phone to call my wife Lisa to come and help me walk the half a block home.
My stylist stayed with me while a different staff person brought some chocolate covered pretzels from the break room. It was like handing someone dying of thirst a glass of ice water. I inhaled the whole bag. Slowly my vision came back, and with an incredible sense of relief, I felt a semblance of normalcy return. My wife arrived a few minutes later, paid the bill (including a generous tip), and after I’d offered my sincerest expressions of gratitude to all, she helped me home.
As I think back on that experience, I find myself feeling extremely grateful. Not for the sickness, or the sense of being trapped, or the embarrassment, but for the incredible generosity and kindness of a group of strangers. So often today, we hear how divided we all are, how people are selfish or mean-spirited. But that wasn’t what I saw that day. These people rallied around me, cared for me, and in no way made me feel ashamed for inconveniencing them or for making the very poor decision to not reschedule my appointment. That encounter strengthened my belief in basic human goodness.
I also realized how much I like to think of myself as independent and self-sufficient, able to handle most things on my own. That experience humbled me and reminded me that there are times in life when I really need to rely on people. That I can’t make it on my own. That on this crazy journey we call life, I need help from others just like they need help from me.
So as you go through your day, remember that sometimes you’re going to need help. It might be the physical variety, like getting sick in a hair salon. It might be emotional support, like needing a hug or someone to talk to. It could be mental assistance, like getting advice on a difficult decision. Or it could be spiritual aid, like trying to find a deeper sense of meaning or identity. Whatever type of help you need, reach out for it. Embrace it. Be grateful for it. Allow others to experience the gift of being needed. Return the favor. And be encouraged by the basic goodness of others. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
Sometimes I struggle with what to write in this blog. It’s not usually for a lack of content. The difficulty lies in choosing which content would be most helpful for my readers – people who are working to become better emotional, mental, and spiritual versions of themselves.
I faced that dilemma a few months ago (July 2019) when I decided to write a post that was outside my norm. I did it because I believed the message was an important part of our collective journey toward “becoming ourselves.” I encouraged readers to do something for others by signing the Barmen Today Declaration. I encourage you to read that post first, but here’s an excerpt from what I wrote:
“What is the Barmen Today Declaration?… in short, it’s a statement that provides a simple way for you to stand with people who are suffering and marginalized. A simple way for you to make your voice heard in a call for unity and healing. A simple way for you to say that every human matters and has inherent dignity and value regardless of class, gender, orientation, race, or religion. A simple way for you to say you stand for love vs. hate, compassion vs. apathy, and hope vs. fear. This is not a statement in favor of any particular political party or religion. This is a statement about the kind of world you want to live in and are willing to fight for.”
After posting that four months ago, I moved on and continued writing about things I hoped would be helpful to you in reaching your personal development goals. Then a few weeks ago, a surprising thing happened – one of the authors of the Barmen Today Declaration, Susan Stocker, contacted me saying she’d read my post and thanked me for it. We exchanged emails in which I invited Susan to write a guest post to share what inspired her to write the Declaration. I am honored to say that she accepted.
What follows is the first of a two-part story in her own words. Please remember that while there is a political reference, the message of this post and the Declaration is NOT about a particular political party – this transcends politics, addressing the essence of who we are all called to be as individuals as well as the kind of global community we seek to build. If you find yourself tuning out, I encourage you to read the Barmen Today Declaration before making your judgement. Whatever your political affiliation, I hope you find Susan’s words as helpful and motivating as I did on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.
Susan’s Story…
It didn’t start pretty. I know this because it started with what I refer to as “my scream.”
In the spring of 2018, I happened upon the book published the summer before by the Yale Conference on The Duty to Warn. This conference was a group of experts in mental health, law, and theology. The duty they perceived: warn the people of the United States about an imminent threat. The name of the book: The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump. I read the book. I didn’t sleep for three days. I couldn’t figure out what to do, but I knew I absolutely had to do something.
Finally, I realized I needed a team. I was a student of The Living School of The Center for Action and Contemplation in Albuquerque, New Mexico. That’s where I would find kindred spirits for whatever must be done. My scream was a plea for help on the Living School Facebook page.
Roy answered first, a lawyer and community organizer from Maryland who had worked mostly in conservation. Then Leslye, a Catholic worker from Alabama; Amari, who worked at Rutgers in New Jersey; Enrique who taught in Texas; Scott, a minister and educator from Florida and Washington State. Lastly, my friend David, who said, “If you’re starting a revolution, sign me up.”
We emailed and texted. Amari got the idea we needed a Zoom account so we could see and talk to each other. Scott, the primary author of Barmen Today, had studied the original Barmen Declaration and felt we could use it as a template for a statement of our commitment to contemplative resistance.
Our only commonality was we were each involved with The Living School. We were from all over the United States, five of us born in the United States, three of us activists, four of us educators, two legally trained, three church workers, and I’m a Marriage and Family Therapist. (All of us fit multiple categories!)
We all felt that Scott was divinely guided as he wrote the basis of Barmen Today. That, of course, didn’t stop the rest of us from wanting to weigh in, add this or that, and emphasize or diminish various points. We all agreed, though, the statements must be positive and FOR something instead of negative and AGAINST anything.
It took us four months. Finally, we sent copies to Richard Rohr, Jim Finley, and Cynthia Bourgeault, then held our breath. Would our teachers and mentors be with us on this journey? All three of the core faculty of The Living School quickly signed and endorsed Barmen Today.
We made plans to launch it at our August 2018 gathering where three of us would graduate from The Living School. Two of us had already graduated, and two were entering the program at the August convocation. Enrique put together a beautiful three-minute slide presentation he designed explaining Barmen Today. We had this running during the days of the gathering. Leslye created promotional cards for us. Roy had copies of the Declaration printed and also prepared a large display to attract the attention of the 600 attendees.
In his address to the graduates, Richard Rohr held up a promotional card, talked about how proud he was of Barmen Today, and called it “ours,” meaning belonging (at least in spirit) to The Living School. We left Albuquerque with a few hundred signatures and felt fortunate and energized. We continued working.
Alana Levandoski, a professional musician, read the Declaration and wrote a song, Divine Obedience, based on the meat and meaning of Barmen Today (find it on Youtube). Enrique and a professional translator friend of his translated Barmen Today into Spanish. David used Barmen Today at his church with great results, getting, as he says, “the elephants” out in the open. Roy has done a number of interviews explaining why Barmen Today is so necessary and timely.
We have wrestled repeatedly with what to “do” with Barmen Today. So far, we have followed David’s wisdom and simply opened our hands and offered it to the flow of Spirit to do with as Spirit will.
None of the seven of us feel any ownership of Barmen Today. We welcome and encourage all who are motivated to use the ideas and content (properly cited, of course) for education, discussion, meditation, contemplation, and prayer.
Our deepest hope is that Barmen Today stands as a testament to love and compassion, a template for healing division and hatred, a guide for promoting and protecting human dignity, and a reminder of our responsibility as stewards of creation.
We are approaching 30,000 signatures. If you, too, “want to remain faithful to both the Divine which we seek to understand and the Love which we seek to live,” please join us.
Susan Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.
