Developing a Better You

Category: Relationships (Page 9 of 13)

Tears, Smiles, and a Little Faith: How to Process Change

The one word that best describes my life right now is change. I feel like almost everything is changing. My wife Lisa and I recently moved from Arizona to California, from a house in suburbs to an apartment in the city. We went from having a lot of possessions to few, from two cars to none. I’m transitioning from a career as an established musician to one as an aspiring writer, from being around a lot of great friends to being in a place where I know very few people. We’re changing our health insurance, doctor, dentist, grocery store, you name it (you can read my earlier post on change here).

Recently I was doing my nightly habit of standing on our balcony to reflect back on the day and pray. I’ve found it to be a helpful way to evaluate my progress on my personal development goals, practice gratitude, and maintain perspective. Normally this is a very calming and fulfilling time, but on this particular night I found myself feeling really sad about all the change in my life. Not regret over the choices I’d made, just a deep sense of sadness about the price of these changes, especially missing my dear friends back in Arizona. Rather than fight it or “looking on the bright side” as I’d normally do, I just let myself grieve. I acknowledged the cost, talked through how I was feeling with God, and let the tears come.

The next day I spent hanging out with my twenty-five year old son Kilian. He lives in Sacramento and being closer to him was one of the big reasons we moved. I taught him about investing and health insurance. We talked about his career plans and dreams. We ran errands. He and Lisa and I played Scrabble. It was a beautiful day.

As I stood on the balcony that night after he left, the contrast in my mood was striking. The night before, I took time to let myself grieve the reality of all that I was giving up through these changes. That following night, I felt like God was reminding me of everything I was gaining, a deeper relationship with my son being a prime example. It was such a sweet gift.

When I was a teenager, my family went to a small, traditional church that gave out programs every Sunday with a generic photo and scripture on the front. For some reason, one of those covers really stood out to me. It had a picture of a sunrise over the ocean and a Bible verse from Psalm 139:

“If I rise in the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.”

I remember those poetic words gave me so much hope and comfort. They told me that no matter what changes life would bring, God would be there to help me through them.

That promise has proven true my whole life. I’ve learned the truth of God’s faithfulness in a thousand small ways and quite a few big ones. I learned it when I packed up my family in 2004 and moved to a city in Arizona I’d never heard of, to take a music pastor job at a church I’d never heard of, without knowing a soul. Fourteen years later, I’m learning that truth once again as I leave a now familiar place with deep friendships and wonderful memories to embark on a new adventure.

So how about you? What changes are you facing in your life? Whatever they are, I encourage you to acknowledge the losses, grieve well, then let them go. Focus your attention on whatever gains these changes have brought. And if you’re willing to try a little faith, take comfort and hope in the promise that God will be with you and help you, whatever comes. “Taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:8). If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Not Quite Jumbo Shrimp: The “Oxymoron” You Need for Personal Growth

I was listening to Brynn Elliott sing Might Not Like Me on the radio when I realized something – this catchy pop song highlights a combination of two apparently conflicting characteristics needed for personal growth. At first glance, they may appear to create an oxymoron – a phrase that seems inherently contradictory, like jumbo shrimp, deeply superficial, or definitely maybe. But a closer look shows that definition really doesn’t apply. So what false oxymoron does this song reveal that I believe is key to Becoming Yourself? Humble confidence. Take a look at the first verse and chorus:

You broke up with me and for the life of me

I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong

I’m so sorry, I’m usually the first one

To admit that I did wrong

Get over yourself, it’s no big deal

If I run a little faster than you on the playground

Get over yourself, what’s your problem

What’s your problem?

Well if you don’t like girls that are stronger than you

And if you don’t like girls that are faster than you

And if you don’t like girls that are smarter than you

Well then you might not like me

You might not like me

(Copyright Nathan Paul Chapman and Brynn Elliott)

Brynn is both humble enough to admit her mistakes AND confident enough to own her strengths. In the verse, she’s humbly apologetic for anything she did to contribute to the breakdown of the relationship. When she does confidently acknowledge a superior ability, like running, she humbly points out that it’s not important. In the chorus, she goes pretty much all confidence, which I think is great. It sounds like the guy deserves it for being petty and insecure.

Listening to this song got me thinking about how a combination of humility AND confidence is needed for personal growth. Without humility, we become arrogant and unaware of our weak spots. Without confidence, we lack the necessary belief in our own value and ability to achieve our self-improvement goals. But with the right balance, we can have both the humility we need to acknowledge and work on our growth edges while also having the confidence to enjoy and build on our strengths.

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

Jesus was the perfect example of walking this tightrope. Whether or not you believe in his divinity, this man clearly lived a very humble life, embracing poverty (Matthew 8:20), rejecting power (John 6:15), and shunning popularity (Matthew 9:30). At the same time, he showed utter confidence in who he was (Matthew 26:59-64) and in his abilities (Luke 17:24). The Bible sums up Jesus’ humble confidence in Philippians 2:5-8: “You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had: though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.”

Photo by Andreas Fidler on Unsplash

Humble confidence really comes down to being comfortable in your own skin. Believing in your inherent self worth. That you are valuable. Flawed and in need of development, yes, but also good and worthy of the investment of time, energy, and attention. In short, you must believe you’re worthy of love. Love from yourself, love from others, and love from God (1 John 4:9-10).

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

So which side of the humble confidence blend do you need to work on? If it’s humility, apologize for your mistakes. Admit your weaknesses. Ask others with strengths in those areas for advice. Commit yourself to practices that will help you grow. If it’s confidence, look honestly at your gifts and achievements. Surround yourself with encouraging people. Read books that remind you of your inherent self worth. Speak positively about yourself and your abilities. Wherever you fall on this spectrum, practice being humbly confident. If you do, you’ll take another great step toward Becoming Yourself.

What I Learned From a Walk in the Park: Be Flexible and Open

Our favorite walking place – Desert Arroyo Park in Mesa, AZ

The morning started off like any other. I had just finished stretching and was about to do my normal routine of prayer, meditation, and personal growth reading before my wife Lisa and I took our walk in a nearby park. Then she threw the curveball: “Can we go for our walk now before it gets too hot?”

I paused. This was not the plan. However, as we live in Phoenix and the temperature was predicted to hit 115 degrees that day, the request seemed a reasonable one. “Sure,” I said. “I’m flexible.” Her immediate reply? “No, you’re not.”

My first instinct was to contradict her. I could feel myself get defensive. But then I decided to be honest. “You’re right,” I said. “I’m not. But that’s something I need to work on.”

So I switched mental gears, and we headed off to the park. As we were taking our walk, I was given another opportunity to be flexible. I started processing aloud some of the big decisions we were wrestling with, like whether or not to move and which retirement investments to pursue. I asked her questions, and she answered me but without a lot of enthusiasm. I missed the cues she was sending and continued talking. Finally Lisa said, “Look, I really just want to play some Pokemon here.” (Apparently, I’m not the only one who needs to work on being flexible. But I digress.)

Two important things to note at this point in the story:

1. Lisa is very smart and normally very engaged in our discussions about important issues. 

2. Lisa takes her PokemonGo playing very seriously (for those of you in the know, she’s a level 38 trainer – enough said).

Finally realizing that her expectations for what we would do during our walk were different than mine, I said, “ Well, I’m just going to go for my run then.” She thought that was a great idea (no surprise there) so off I went. As I ran, I began to think, reflect on life, and pray. When I finished running, I sat on a bench and read my personal development daily emails (from Richard Rohr at Center for Action and Contemplation and John Eldredge at Ransomed Heart ) while I waited for her to finish her walk.

As I sat there, I realized the whole situation had actually worked out great. Lisa got to do what she wanted to do, and I had stumbled onto a new way to do my morning routine. The change of method and the new venue made it feel fresh, and I discovered that it fit really well when combined with our daily walk.

Here are a few things I learned from that experience:

1. I need other people to speak into my life – Lisa brought up something that I needed to work on – being flexible. As hard as it was to admit, she was right. I’m a very routine driven person with a strong expectations of how things should go. Those traits can be strengths but at a certain point they become weaknesses. I had to be open to her critique, fight the urge to be defensive, and look at myself honestly. When I did, I put myself in a position to grow. I need to give people I trust permission to speak into my life and welcome it when they do. It’s painful but very necessary if I’m going to become who I want to be.

2.  I need to be more flexible – This isn’t my natural inclination. When I find something I like or that works for me, I tend to stick with it until I’m forced to change. But I’ve found that when I’m flexible and break out of my routines, good stuff tends to happen. I learn new things. I have cool experiences. I meet interesting people. And I sometimes find new habits and routines that are more efficient, effective and / or enjoyable than my old ones.

Life is a great teacher if we just pay attention. Things happen everyday that we can learn from if we train ourselves to be observant. To take a moment to reflect. To ask questions like “What just happened here? What can I learn about myself from this?”

So how about you? Are you inviting people to speak into your life? Give one person that permission today. Are you flexible and willing to try new things? Look for an opportunity to change your routine today. Are you open to the lessons life has to teach you? Take a moment to reflect on something you experience today. If you do, you’ll take another huge step toward Becoming Yourself.

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