Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Category: Relationships (Page 9 of 14)

What I Learned About Dreams on the Set of “Nancy Drew”

April 6, 2019 / / 0 Comments

I recently saw my daughter Kennedy get recognized on the street. She’d just wrapped her first week of filming in Vancouver for a new Nancy Drew TV pilot for the CW network. After four thousand young women from multiple countries auditioned, Kennedy landed the coveted roll of Nancy Drew. Even though the first episode hasn’t finished filming yet, the press buzz about the project was enough to have a stranger know Kennedy’s name and ask for a photo with her.

It was one of a number of surreal moments my wife and I had while visiting Kennedy on set. We chatted with actor Freddie Prinze Jr., who is playing Nancy Drew’s father. At dinner with some of the cast and crew, we learned the director Larry Teng got his start working with James Cameron on the movie Titanic. The actor playing Nancy’s best friend, Leah Lewis, is set to star in a new Netflix movie. Tunji Kasim, cast as Nancy’s boyfriend, just wrapped a film with Helen Mirren and Gandalf himself, Sir Ian McKellen.

One of my favorite moments was watching the filming of a city street scene. While police stopped traffic and a few of the two-hundred person crew held back onlookers, the director yelled action, sending one-hundred and thirty extras into motion. Then came my daughter, her hair newly dyed an iconic Nancy Drew red, running through the street, her every move tracked by a crane-mounted camera. The director called cut, and as people clapped, Kennedy flashed me a smile of pure joy. I melted.

We all have dreams. Things we long for, hope for, and imagine as the ideal version of our lives. While it’s great to chase those personal goals, watching my daughter soar helped me realize something important:

SOMETIMES HELPING SOMEONE ELSE ACHIEVE THEIR DREAMS IS MORE FULFILLING THAN ACHIEVING YOUR OWN

There are things I dream about, like having one of my novels published, attaining long-term success as a writer, and traveling to my bucket-list places. But as Kennedy and I chatted in her trailer on set, I realized that nothing I could accomplish, no personal goal I might meet, will ever give me the joy I get watching one of my kids fulfill their dreams.

Kennedy’s dream-come-true came with a price. It took an incredible amount of drive, determination, and courage on her part, not to mention thirteen years of blood, sweat, and tears training as an actor. But it cost Lisa and me as well. The hours spent chauffeuring her to auditions, rehearsals, lessons, and performances. The uncounted less-than-stellar youth theater productions we attended. The complicated, high-stress college audition process, flying around the country attempting to get into a top drama program. Then the huge financial price tag that came with acceptance to Carnegie Mellon University, one of the best acting schools in the U.S..

Suffice to say, the cost of helping Kennedy nurture her dream was high. But standing on set that day, seeing her smile light up the street, made every sacrifice more than worth it. I would do it all over again.

So how about you? How can you help the people in your life achieve their dreams? Supporting your own child is an obvious example, but for you, maybe it’s a friend, a co-worker, another family member, or even a stranger. What sacrifice of time, advice, money, encouragement, or energy could you give to help someone else flourish? If you’re willing to help others shine, you just might find it brings you closer to the life you’ve always wanted. And you’ll have taken another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Find Your North Star: How to Make Decisions

March 3, 2019 / / 0 Comments

I made a big decision a little while ago.
I don’t remember what it was, which prob’ly goes to show
That many times a simple choice can prove to be essential
Even though it often might appear inconsequential.


I must have been distracted when I left my house because
Left or right I’m sure I went. (I wonder which it was!)
Anyway, I never veered: I walked in that direction
Utterly absorbed, it seems, in quiet introspection.


For no reason I can think of, I’ve wandered far astray.
And that is how I got to where I find myself today.

Bill Watterson, The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

I was reading Calvin and Hobbes recently and came across this poem. It got me thinking about all the small decisions I’ve made that have had a monumental impact on my life. Like when I nervously raised my hand in my college choir to audition for a solo part, which led to an invitation to be in a band, which led to an interview at a church, which led to a twenty-five year career as a music pastor.

Then there was the time I decided to say yes to a friend’s invitation to go to a bar, which is not normally my scene. I ended up riding there with a girl I’d never met. Almost thirty years later, that girl and I share two kids and a bank account.

What’s the point? Simply this:

SMALL DECISIONS MATTER

We tend to think of our lives as being largely defined by a few really big decisions, but I don’t think that’s actually the case. Those are important of course, but I believe the collective weight of the thousands of small choices we make have an even greater determination of how our lives turn out.

Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

That quote reminds me of the seriousness of our small choices. I do NOT think we should agonize over every little decision, but rather have a framework for decision-making that helps us make the myriad of small choices we face quickly and well. The key is to find a framework that works for you; one that will lead you to the person you want to be and the life you desire.

So where do you find such a framework? There’s no shortage of options. You can turn to philosophy, religion, a teacher, or one of the many self-help resources available. Personally, I’ve chosen Jesus. I don’t mean the doctrines or beliefs of any particular church or religion. Even the term “Christianity” is used  to represent such disparate views that I hesitate to use it anymore for fear of being lumped in with people I vehemently disagree with.

What I mean is that I try to use the life and teachings of Jesus as my decision-making filter. “WWJD (What would Jesus do?)” is a tired cliche, but a helpful one for me. I’ve found that when I live my life as best I can by his teachings, things work out better for me than when I don’t. I would suggest that even if you don’t believe in his divinity, Jesus offers a lot of insight into the human condition and can serve as a compelling model of a life well lived.

Regardless of the framework you choose, here are a two big-picture questions that can help with decision-making:

1. Which choice would lead me closer to who I want to be?

2. Which choice would lead me closer to the life I want?

I desire to become a more compassionate, giving person. When I was recently faced with the choice of volunteering with an organization that helps people struggling with homelessness or doing something for myself, I chose to volunteer. It wasn’t because I’m particularly selfless or disciplined. I procrastinated a lot and made plenty of excuses. I ultimately did it because I realized it was the choice that would lead me closer to who I want to be.

I want a life filled with deep relationships. When faced with a recent choice of enjoying a night home alone or going out in the rain with new friends to an event outside my comfort zone, I chose to go. What I really wanted to do was stay home, but I realized that going out was taking a step toward the life I really wanted.

Small choices matter. To navigate them, we all need a North Star; a landmark we can use to make sure we’re going in the right direction. What will yours be? Who do you want to become? What kind of life do you want? What decision-making framework will you use to help you get there? Choose well. If you do, you’ll take another important step toward Becoming Yourself.

Tears, Smiles, and a Little Faith: How to Process Change

December 8, 2018 / / 2 Comments

The one word that best describes my life right now is change. I feel like almost everything is changing. My wife Lisa and I recently moved from Arizona to California, from a house in suburbs to an apartment in the city. We went from having a lot of possessions to few, from two cars to none. I’m transitioning from a career as an established musician to one as an aspiring writer, from being around a lot of great friends to being in a place where I know very few people. We’re changing our health insurance, doctor, dentist, grocery store, you name it (you can read my earlier post on change here).

Recently I was doing my nightly habit of standing on our balcony to reflect back on the day and pray. I’ve found it to be a helpful way to evaluate my progress on my personal development goals, practice gratitude, and maintain perspective. Normally this is a very calming and fulfilling time, but on this particular night I found myself feeling really sad about all the change in my life. Not regret over the choices I’d made, just a deep sense of sadness about the price of these changes, especially missing my dear friends back in Arizona. Rather than fight it or “looking on the bright side” as I’d normally do, I just let myself grieve. I acknowledged the cost, talked through how I was feeling with God, and let the tears come.

The next day I spent hanging out with my twenty-five year old son Kilian. He lives in Sacramento and being closer to him was one of the big reasons we moved. I taught him about investing and health insurance. We talked about his career plans and dreams. We ran errands. He and Lisa and I played Scrabble. It was a beautiful day.

As I stood on the balcony that night after he left, the contrast in my mood was striking. The night before, I took time to let myself grieve the reality of all that I was giving up through these changes. That following night, I felt like God was reminding me of everything I was gaining, a deeper relationship with my son being a prime example. It was such a sweet gift.

When I was a teenager, my family went to a small, traditional church that gave out programs every Sunday with a generic photo and scripture on the front. For some reason, one of those covers really stood out to me. It had a picture of a sunrise over the ocean and a Bible verse from Psalm 139:

“If I rise in the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.”

I remember those poetic words gave me so much hope and comfort. They told me that no matter what changes life would bring, God would be there to help me through them.

That promise has proven true my whole life. I’ve learned the truth of God’s faithfulness in a thousand small ways and quite a few big ones. I learned it when I packed up my family in 2004 and moved to a city in Arizona I’d never heard of, to take a music pastor job at a church I’d never heard of, without knowing a soul. Fourteen years later, I’m learning that truth once again as I leave a now familiar place with deep friendships and wonderful memories to embark on a new adventure.

So how about you? What changes are you facing in your life? Whatever they are, I encourage you to acknowledge the losses, grieve well, then let them go. Focus your attention on whatever gains these changes have brought. And if you’re willing to try a little faith, take comfort and hope in the promise that God will be with you and help you, whatever comes. “Taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:8). If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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