Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

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Goal Setting for the New Year? Do a Few Things Well

I hate New Year’s resolutions.

Given that I write a personal development blog, that may sound odd. In my experience, goals forced by a date on the calendar have not worked well. I set too many, in too many areas, and usually flame out by February.

If New Year’s resolutions work for you, fantastic. You have my respect. For me, they feel overwhelming, and my failure to meet them kills my motivation to pursue personal development. This is especially true when it comes to goals based on helping others. 

I think that’s why I responded so strongly to this quote from author and Harvard professor Henri Nouwen:

The more I think about the human suffering in our world and my desire to offer a healing response, the more I realize how crucial it is not to allow myself to become paralyzed by feelings of impotence and guilt. More important than ever is to be very faithful to my vocation to do well the few things I am called to do and hold on to the joy and peace they bring me.

henri nouwen

Here are three things I take from this:

1. Guilt is not a helpful motivator.

It may get me to do something “good” in the short term, but it won’t set me up for long-term positive impact. I’ve started and abandoned many serving efforts based on guilt.

2. Doing a few things well is better than doing many things poorly.

The list of worthy causes and suffering people is endless. It’s easy to get sucked into spreading small bits of my limited time, energy, talents, and money in many places, making little real difference. Being honest about my passions, gifts, and interests, then finding one or two areas of need to focus them on will have far greater impact. Writing this blog and giving to Heifer International are two of my focus areas in this season.

3. Enjoy the personal benefits of helping others.

While it’s hopeful not my primary reason for serving, feeling joyful and peaceful is a great perk. Those highs keep me motivated when serving gets tough. 

What are you passionate about? What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing? What are some areas of need that intersect with those things? Pick one or two projects and focus your efforts there. You’ll make a greater impact while having more fun, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

As shared in the Dec 21, 2023 Daily Meditation by the Henri Nouwen Society. Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books

A Coexist Vision of Christmas

It really is beautiful.

The window of our condo in downtown Tempe Arizona looks out over a large hill. In December, the top of the hill is adorned with a giant lit menorah representing Judaism. Beside it is a star being approached by three wise men representing Christianity. Down the street is a picturesque Islamic mosque. As I walked past recently, I heard a man beautifully chanting prayers.

Three faiths side by side. Coexisting. Celebrating the unique and welcome contributions of each. That’s the true spirit of Christmas. A spirit of Love.

I didn’t use to feel this way. For most of my life, I felt the Christian faith I was raised in was the only “right” way to live, the only way to please God, the only way to heaven. I don’t believe that anymore. I believe that God is far too big and wild and mysterious and loving to be boxed into any one perspective, any one faith. We all see different parts of Her / Him / Them.

Every worldview, faith, and perspective has something to offer, something I can learn from. None of us have a stranglehold on Truth. We all grasp parts of it. Many of us grasp the same parts but call them by different names, which ties us together in what theologians call the Wisdom Tradition (or the Perennial Tradition). These are core beliefs at the foundation of most faith traditions—there is a Divine power in the universe. A spark of that Divine lives in all of us. We can choose to connect with that Divine power. Making that choice benefits us and brings coherence to our lives.

I’m reminded of the classic story of three blind men asked to describe an elephant. One felt its side and declared an elephant to be like a rough wall. Another felt its tusk and said an elephant is like a smooth spear. The third felt its tail and insisted an elephant is like a flexible snake. Who was right? Alone, all of them and none of them. Together, they painted a more complete picture. 

Whatever holidays you celebrate, do so with an open mind and an open heart. Recognize the similarities in those around you. Appreciate their differences. Focus on the Love that is the essence of true faith. Coexist. If you do, you’ll see your own worldview mature and expand, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

How to Snap Out of a Funk

I love learning from my kids.

My daughter Kennedy McMann recently started a podcast called Sidebar, where she shares stories about her life and acting career, along with insights she’s gaining on her own personal development journey. 

In a recent episode, she talked about her struggles with anxiety and techniques she uses to snap out of funks. I found them so helpful that I wanted to share them with you (for deeper insights delivered with her trademark charm, check out Kennedy’s wonderful podcast here).

Graphic for Kennedy’s podcast. Art by my son Kilian McMann of Great Raven Design Co

1. TAKE A SOCIAL MEDIA BREAK

We’ve all heard the studies and statistics. Social media often leads to negative emotions that stem from comparing our lives with whitewashed versions of other people’s lives. It might be body image, homes, vacations, family dynamics, wealth, fill in the blank. Stepping away, even deleting the apps for a week or two, can help clear away those negative emotions. I’ve recently reduced my own social media usage and have felt the positive effects.

2. DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HANDS

I love my career as a writer, but it produces few physical, tangible results. The moments I get to hold finished books in my hands are magical, but those are few and far between. That’s why I resonated with Kennedy’s recommendation to do or create something practical with your hands. It can be a hobby or a task. Kennedy has taken up cross-stitch and painting with watercolors. I recently spent time cleaning and doing maintenance on one of our rental houses to prep it for sale. Though I was initially dreading the work, I found it surprisingly satisfying. Seeing the immediate visible results of my efforts in a cleaner and better house lifted my mood.

3. MOVE YOUR BODY

We all know the benefits of physical exercise. My five-minute morning stretching routine has grown over time to fifteen minutes, and now includes a light workout with 20 pound dumbbells (Kennedy taught me some simple weight training tips). Why? Because it really does make me feel better (After I’m done, not during. Unfortunately, I’m not one of those people who enjoy the workout process). On the fun-while-doing side, I recently took a long hike in a cold pine forest with my daughter and son-in-law. It felt fantastic to be moving in a brisk and beautiful setting.

4. CONNECT WITH SOMEONE

As Kennedy points out in her podcast, this effort, along with all the others, can often feel like the last thing you want to do when you’re in a funk. You don’t feel like doing anything, even the things you know will help. But forcing yourself over the hump and connecting with someone for coffee or on a walk or even a video chat can really raise your spirits. You’ll get extra benefit if you’re honest and share that you’re feeling down. Simply admitting your struggles to another person somehow makes heavy times feel a little lighter. And you may find the other person understands, empathizes, and supports you. My weekly lunches with my accountability partner and monthly poker nights with longtime friends are life-giving connections I always look forward to.

How are you feeling these days? Are you in a funk? Take a social media break. Do something with your hands. Move your body. Connect with someone. If you do, the gray clouds will begin to part, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself. 

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