Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

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A Coexist Vision of Christmas

It really is beautiful.

The window of our condo in downtown Tempe Arizona looks out over a large hill. In December, the top of the hill is adorned with a giant lit menorah representing Judaism. Beside it is a star being approached by three wise men representing Christianity. Down the street is a picturesque Islamic mosque. As I walked past recently, I heard a man beautifully chanting prayers.

Three faiths side by side. Coexisting. Celebrating the unique and welcome contributions of each. That’s the true spirit of Christmas. A spirit of Love.

I didn’t use to feel this way. For most of my life, I felt the Christian faith I was raised in was the only “right” way to live, the only way to please God, the only way to heaven. I don’t believe that anymore. I believe that God is far too big and wild and mysterious and loving to be boxed into any one perspective, any one faith. We all see different parts of Her / Him / Them.

Every worldview, faith, and perspective has something to offer, something I can learn from. None of us have a stranglehold on Truth. We all grasp parts of it. Many of us grasp the same parts but call them by different names, which ties us together in what theologians call the Wisdom Tradition (or the Perennial Tradition). These are core beliefs at the foundation of most faith traditions—there is a Divine power in the universe. A spark of that Divine lives in all of us. We can choose to connect with that Divine power. Making that choice benefits us and brings coherence to our lives.

I’m reminded of the classic story of three blind men asked to describe an elephant. One felt its side and declared an elephant to be like a rough wall. Another felt its tusk and said an elephant is like a smooth spear. The third felt its tail and insisted an elephant is like a flexible snake. Who was right? Alone, all of them and none of them. Together, they painted a more complete picture. 

Whatever holidays you celebrate, do so with an open mind and an open heart. Recognize the similarities in those around you. Appreciate their differences. Focus on the Love that is the essence of true faith. Coexist. If you do, you’ll see your own worldview mature and expand, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

How to Snap Out of a Funk

I love learning from my kids.

My daughter Kennedy McMann recently started a podcast called Sidebar, where she shares stories about her life and acting career, along with insights she’s gaining on her own personal development journey. 

In a recent episode, she talked about her struggles with anxiety and techniques she uses to snap out of funks. I found them so helpful that I wanted to share them with you (for deeper insights delivered with her trademark charm, check out Kennedy’s wonderful podcast here).

Graphic for Kennedy’s podcast. Art by my son Kilian McMann of Great Raven Design Co

1. TAKE A SOCIAL MEDIA BREAK

We’ve all heard the studies and statistics. Social media often leads to negative emotions that stem from comparing our lives with whitewashed versions of other people’s lives. It might be body image, homes, vacations, family dynamics, wealth, fill in the blank. Stepping away, even deleting the apps for a week or two, can help clear away those negative emotions. I’ve recently reduced my own social media usage and have felt the positive effects.

2. DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HANDS

I love my career as a writer, but it produces few physical, tangible results. The moments I get to hold finished books in my hands are magical, but those are few and far between. That’s why I resonated with Kennedy’s recommendation to do or create something practical with your hands. It can be a hobby or a task. Kennedy has taken up cross-stitch and painting with watercolors. I recently spent time cleaning and doing maintenance on one of our rental houses to prep it for sale. Though I was initially dreading the work, I found it surprisingly satisfying. Seeing the immediate visible results of my efforts in a cleaner and better house lifted my mood.

3. MOVE YOUR BODY

We all know the benefits of physical exercise. My five-minute morning stretching routine has grown over time to fifteen minutes, and now includes a light workout with 20 pound dumbbells (Kennedy taught me some simple weight training tips). Why? Because it really does make me feel better (After I’m done, not during. Unfortunately, I’m not one of those people who enjoy the workout process). On the fun-while-doing side, I recently took a long hike in a cold pine forest with my daughter and son-in-law. It felt fantastic to be moving in a brisk and beautiful setting.

4. CONNECT WITH SOMEONE

As Kennedy points out in her podcast, this effort, along with all the others, can often feel like the last thing you want to do when you’re in a funk. You don’t feel like doing anything, even the things you know will help. But forcing yourself over the hump and connecting with someone for coffee or on a walk or even a video chat can really raise your spirits. You’ll get extra benefit if you’re honest and share that you’re feeling down. Simply admitting your struggles to another person somehow makes heavy times feel a little lighter. And you may find the other person understands, empathizes, and supports you. My weekly lunches with my accountability partner and monthly poker nights with longtime friends are life-giving connections I always look forward to.

How are you feeling these days? Are you in a funk? Take a social media break. Do something with your hands. Move your body. Connect with someone. If you do, the gray clouds will begin to part, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself. 

The Frustratingly Beautiful Practice of Silence

I have monkey mind. 

In my practice of silence, rather than the calm stillness I seek, thoughts often leap about randomly in my head like monkeys in a tree. It’s frustrating

But I’ve learned that if I stick with it, my ping-ponging thoughts begin to settle, like still water on a pond after the ripples subside. I’m usually able to find the peace, clarity, insight, and connectedness to my truest self that I’m looking for. 

Author and teacher Henri Nouwen described this struggle-and-benefit duality of silence. While the closing section on connection with God may not fit your worldview, I believe there is still much to be gained from his insight and from the practice of silence:

At first silence might only frighten us. In silence we start hearing voices of darkness: our jealousy and anger, our resentment and desire for revenge, our lust and greed, and our pain over losses, abuses, and rejections. These voices are often noisy and boisterous. They may even deafen us. Our most spontaneous reaction is to run away from them and return to our entertainment.

But if we have the discipline to stay put and not let these dark voices intimidate us, they will gradually lose their strength and recede into the background, creating space for the softer, gentler voices of the light.

These voices speak of peace, kindness, gentleness, goodness, joy, hope, forgiveness, and most of all, love. They might at first seem small and insignificant, and we may have a hard time trusting them. However, they are very persistent and they will be stronger if we keep listening. They come from a very deep place and from very far. They have been speaking to us since before we were born, and they reveal to us that there is no darkness in the One who sent us into the world, only light. They are part of God’s voice calling us from all eternity: “My beloved child, my favorite one, my joy.”

henri nouwen, “you are the beloved”

Have you experimented with silence? Perhaps you’ve struggled as I have. Try again. Start with one minute. Gradually lengthen your time. Go slowly. Try techniques like a focus image (candle, mountain meadow, fireplace, etc), concentrating on your breathing, or repeating a helpful word or phrase aloud or silently (peace, quiet, God, love, I am seeking myself, etc.). Stick with it until your wandering thoughts begin to still. If you do, you’ll experience greater peace and clarity, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself. 

Text excerpts taken from “You are the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen, © 2017 by The Henri Nouwen Legacy Trust. Published by Convergent Books. As shared in the Nov 24, 2023 Daily Meditation from The Henri Nouwen Society. 

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