A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.
lao tzu
That quote is not me.
Plans. Lists. Schedules. That’s my style.
But something about the perspective in that quote almost took my breath away. The freedom. The ease. The spontaneity. It sounds so appealing.
That’s especially true right now. I just finished writing the fifth book in my Monsterious series on a tight deadline. I’m in the middle of an ambitious tour season with dozens of school and bookstore appearances in five states along with various interviews. My itineraries are ten pages long. Everything feels planned. While that’s a necessary part of my job, it highlights the appeal of lightly planned travel with a focus on the journey, not the destination.
I’ve scheduled some serious downtime for November to live out this quote in an intentional way. While that’s a good thing, I believe “time off” is only half of what the quote is trying to teach. The real life-changing power of this perspective is not only to apply it in dedicated blocks of time, but to adopt it into my everyday life. Even while following detailed itineraries.
I’m going to try my best over these next six weeks to travel lightly, keeping my mental and emotional baggage to carryon size. I’m sure I’ll fall short many times under the weariness and stress of the tour, but, as with all of my attempts at personal development, the effort itself is a victory. As C. S. Lewis wrote, “If the will to walk is there, God is pleased even with our stumbling.”
On your life’s journey, set aside time for unhurried, floating travel. Begin to shift your daily perspective to this more fluid and flexible state. If you do, you’ll experience lower stress and greater peace, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
If you’re anything like me, sometimes you just feel down. A general sense of malaise, a nebulous depression, an insubstantial gloom. In those moments, I’ve found significant help in trying to identify and name the source of my feelings. Finding understanding and clarity doesn’t fix my problem, but it helps me get a hold of it, makes it tangible, and gives something I can work on.
I recently read a quote that provided a new tool to do just that:
If anxieties focus on what might happen, and hurts focus on what has happened, disappointments focus on what has not happened.
Brian McLaren, Naked Spirituality
I find these three categories extremely helpful. Am I feeling low because I’m:
ANXIOUS about something that might happen?
HURT by something that has happened?
DISAPPOINTED by something that has not happened?
After asking these questions, if I’m still struggling to pinpoint the source of my feelings, I go through the categories of my life to see which one triggers a spike in my negative emotion. I get alone somewhere quiet and think about my career, my health, my finances, my wife, my kids, my friends, my parents, God, etc. I consider them one at a time, as if I’m holding that aspect of my life in front of me like a jewel and examining it from different angles. Usually, if I’m honest with myself, something clicks. I feel a “no, no, no, no, yes – that’s what I’m anxious about (or hurt by or disappointed in).”
Anxiety, hurt, and disappointment are natural, understandable human emotions. We all experience them at different levels throughout our lives, sometimes as minor inconveniences, sometimes as near death blows. It’s normal and healthy to allow ourselves to feel and process these emotions in a balanced way, neither ignoring nor wallowing in them. They often have positive things to teach us, important lessons that can help us grow into a better, happier version of ourselves.
That said, once you’ve identified WHY you’re feeling badly – because you’re anxious, you’re hurt, or you’re disappointed – here are some questions to ask yourself that may help you learn the helpful lessons and clear away the storm clouds:
ANXIETY
Is there a reasonable, fact-based probability that what I’m dreading will come to pass? What percentage of things I’ve worried about in the past have actually come true? Of those that did happen, how many were as bad as I had imagined? Is it worth allowing this potential event in the future to steal my joy and peace in the present?
HURT
Am I sure of the facts regarding the situation that hurt me? For example, was the person’s motive truly to wound me or was it unintentional? Even unintended actions can be painful, but not as much as deliberate ones. What do I wish would happen now that might help me heal? What actions do I wish others would do? Can I ask them? What actions can I take to ease my pain? Have I subconsciously participated in my own wounding?
DISAPPOINTMENT
Am I confident what I wished for would really bring me the joy I imagined? What other hope in my life has come to pass that I can be thankful for? Is there another positive future thing that I can shift my focus toward?
The next time you feel the storm clouds gather, take a moment to ask yourself – “Am I ANXIOUS about what may happen, HURT by what did happen, or DISAPPOINTED by what has not happened? What specific aspect of my life has me feeling that way?” When you’ve gotten clarity on the cause of your feelings, ask yourself the appropriate questions above. Answer honestly. If you do, you’ll feel a healing breeze begin to blow, and you’ll take another important step toward Becoming Yourself.
The quote above that served as the catalyst for this post is actually from a longer passage on prayer shared by Richard Rohr in one of his daily email meditations. If you have a more spiritual bent or are interested in how prayer helps us find God in difficult times, I highly recommend reading that post here.
This post was originally published March 28, 2020.
Growing up, I was convinced I had to be perfect. Impeccable grades. Never get in trouble. Don’t cause drama. Help everyone. The reasons I felt this way were a complicated mix of my personality, a misunderstanding of religious teaching, and our unique family dynamics.
Over the years, I’ve slowly unlearned that lie. Established healthier expectations. Given myself grace. Let myself be human. I still wrestle with perfectionism from time to time—I helped this person, but why didn’t I help that one too? I sold this many books, but why didn’t I sell more? I achieved this career goal, but why didn’t I achieve that one? I said something hurtful again—when will I learn?
Maybe that’s why the “You Are Amazing” message painted on the side of a building in our neighborhood jumped out at me. It has served as a healthy reminder, one that realigns my perspective and self-perception. I’m amazing? Really? Yes. I actually am.
Wherever you’re at right now, however you feel, whatever season you’re going through, remember this—you are amazing. You are incredibly valuable. You have great worth. Are you perfect? No. You’re human. But you are amazing, and with a little bit of intentionality and effort, you’ll become more amazing every day as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
