It irks me. It’s humiliating. Humbling. Makes me feel like I’ve failed, maybe because I have.
I can still remember how I felt as a kid admitting to my dad that I fired an arrow into a basement water pipe (it was a killer shot). And confessing to my then four-year-old daughter that my anger with her misbehavior was really more about a problem I was facing at work(if you want to learn humility, ask forgiveness of a child). And apologizing to my wife recently for being defensive when she asked me about an insensitive text I sent someone (she was right).
That’s why I was so impacted by a recent Instagram post by author Jonathan Merritt about a very brave man who attended a Pride parade in support of the LGBTQIA+ community:
What an incredible gift that man gave to those at the parade. And to himself. And to me.
Could you use some confession? Have you made a mistake that you haven’t made right? Damaged a relationship that your humility could repair? Breathe deep. Have courage. Make the call. Send the email. Have the hard conversation. If you do, you’ll both find healing relief, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
Even after decades of work on personal development, I often try to hide my shadow side—the things I don’t want to see about myself, the things I certainly don’t want you to see about me. Anger, hurt, self-pity, fear, arrogance, apathy, the list goes on.
But learning to recognize and accept my shadow side is necessary in order to become who I want to be. And I don’t mean just so I can eliminate those things, though decreasing their control over me is part of it. I also need to embrace those very human aspects of my character as a part of who I am.
The following recent daily mediation from the Center for Action and Contemplation explored this dichotomy. I hope you’ll find it helpful on your journey toward Becoming Yourself:
Father Richard (Rohr) stresses both the challenge and great gifts that come from working with our shadow self:
I am afraid that the closer we get to the Light, the more of our shadow we see. Thus, truly holy people are always humble people. Invariably when something upsets us, and we have a strong emotional reaction out of proportion to the moment, our shadow self has just been exposed. So, watch for any overreactions or over denials. The reason that a mature or saintly person can be so peaceful, so accepting of self and others, is that there is not much left of the hidden shadow self. [1]
Buddhist teacher Tara Brach shares a well-known and instructive myth about the Buddha and his compassionate interactions with the shadow god Mara:
You may be familiar with images of the Buddha [Siddhartha] meditating all night long under the Bodhi tree until he experienced full liberation. The shadow god Mara (who represents the universal energies of greed, hatred, and delusion) tried everything he knew to make him fail—sending violent storms, beautiful temptresses, raging demons, and massive armies to distract him. Siddhartha met them all with an awake and compassionate presence, and as the morning star appeared in the sky, he became a Buddha, a fully realized being.
But this was not the end of his relationship with Mara!
In the five decades following his enlightenment, the Buddha traveled throughout northern India teaching all who were interested the path of presence, compassion, and freedom.…
And as the Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh tells the story, Mara sometimes appeared as well…. [The Buddha would] stroll over to Mara and with a firm yet gentle voice say, “I see you, Mara…. Come, let’s have tea.” And the Buddha himself would serve Mara as an honored guest.
This is what’s possible for us. Just imagine that Mara appears in your life as a surge of fear about failure, or hurt about another’s neglect or disrespect. Now, what if your response were to pause and say, “I see you, Mara”—Recognizing. And “Let’s have tea”—Allowing. Instead of avoiding your feelings, instead of lashing out in anger or turning on yourself with self-judgment, you are responding to life with more clarity and graciousness, kindness and ease. [2]
Richard continues:
The gift of shadowboxing is in the seeing of the shadow and its games in ourselves, which takes away much of the shadow’s hidden power. No wonder Teresa of Ávila said that the mansion of true self-knowledge was the necessary first mansion on the spiritual journey. [3] Once we have faced our own hidden or denied self, there is not much to be anxious about anymore, because there is no fear of exposure. We are no longer afraid to be seen—by ourselves or others. The game is over—and we are free. We finally are who we are, and can be who we are, without disguise or fear. [4]
From the June 23, 2023 Daily Meditation from the Center for Action and Contemplation cac.org
Queen started one of the greatest rock songs of all time, Bohemian Rhapsody, with this surprisingly deep question, one I’ve been pondering lately.
My wife and I are on a two-week writing retreat. In a stark change from our small urban condo, we’re in a house in a pine forest with rolling hills. We take long walks in the beautiful neighborhood each morning before settling down to write.
Life feels much simpler here. A big day is having to drive to the local village for groceries. I’m still working a lot, but I feel more relaxed, more focused. I’m tempted to call this an escape, a wonderful pause before returning to “real life.”
But what is “real life”? Is it the harried pace, full calendar, loud, busy thing I often create for myself? While that may be the norm, is it the goal? Is that how I’m meant to live? Is that who I’m meant to be? Or is this time in the forest much closer to the “real life” I was designed for?
Hear me clearly. I temper my optimistic bent with a strong dose of realism. Life has different seasons with different responsibilities. Raising kids and demanding jobs dominate the first half of life for many of us. Things like household projects, paying bills, doctor visits, car maintenance, helping family and friends never really go away.
Lisa and I are in our mid-fifties. Running our author business is still challenging and demanding, but we’re empty nesters with flexible schedules. We’ve made it through the busier first half of life. Your season and situation may be very different.
That said, I think the forest has something to teach us all, regardless of what season we’re in. Here are some lessons I hear whispered by the pines:
1. Do less
Does your child really need to be in one more activity? Do you need to take on yet another obligation? Is accepting that more demanding promotion at work going to lead to more fulfillment? Is it worth the impact on your family? On your peace of mind? Say no more often. Guard your schedule. Build in margin.
2. Move slower
I’ve spent more than three decades learning how to move faster, get more done, be more efficient, multitask. Now I’m learning the counterintuitive power of a slower pace, one that is not only more enjoyable, but more productive. Try a more measured, focused pace for a few days. You may be amazed at the results. (For some practical tips, click here).
3. Think deeper
It’s easy to stay on the surface of our minds—our daily tasks, dinner plans, watching TV, skimming social media. While those are good and important things, it’s like only talking with your friends about sports and the weather. They’re fine conversations, but relationships are much more fulfilling when you also share deeply, are honest about your struggles, talk vulnerably about your dreams. It’s the same with our thoughts. You’ll have a richer and more satisfying life if you also ponder who you are, who you want to become, what life is really about. Doing less and moving slower provide the time and space for those kinds of nourishing thoughts.
So how’s your schedule? Your pace of life? The depth of your thoughts? Do less. Move slower. Think deeper. If you do, you’ll move closer to the real life you crave, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
