Last minute travel due to an unexpected family emergency. Lingering illness. Edit deadlines. Anxiety over the approaching release of my debut novels. These things have left me feeling flat, empty, and without much to say.
Normally the words flow, and I have a clear idea of what I want to share here, something I hope will help you on your personal development journey. Lately… not so much.
A hard reality of life is that sometimes the inspiration stops. Sometimes the familiar path leads to a broken bridge, and we have to find another way across. For me right now, that’s about writing. For you, it may be about your job or a relationship or your health or a loss of some kind.
If you’re in that place, know that you’re not alone. Be kind to yourself. Breathe. Rest. Give yourself grace. Do something that fills your emotional tank. Complete one small task. Trust that eventually the clouds will lift, and the stream will flow again. If you do, you’ll soon feel hope stirring, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
When I was younger, I had an arrogance cloaked in humility, a certainty shrouded in religiosity. I was so sure that I knew the “right” ways to live, think, act, and speak that I wanted others to mirror them. I placed unreasonable expectations on people which caused tension. Rather than allowing them to be the amazing, unique people they were, I thought they should be more like me.
Author and teacher Henri Nouwen described the need for space in relationships this way:
A mature human intimacy requires a deep and profound respect for the free and empty space that needs to exist within and between partners and that asks for a continuous mutual protection and nurture. Only in this way can a relationship be lasting, precisely because mutual love is experienced as a participation in a greater and earlier love to which it points. In this way intimacy can be rich and fruitful, since it has been given carefully protected space in which to grow. This relationship no longer is a fearful clinging to each other but a free dance, allowing space in which we can move forward and backward, form constantly new patterns, and see each other as always new.
Henri nouwen, you are the beloved
As I matured over time, I realized how misguided I’d been, and that a root of my unhealthy expectations was my unrecognized fear that if they were different and “right,” then I must be “wrong.” When I backed off and gave people in my life the space they needed to be themselves, the tension drained from our relationships.
How are your relationships? Look honestly. Initiate real conversations. Share vulnerably. Apologize for unfair expectations. Cultivate healthy space for people to be fully themselves and to allow your relationships to grow. If you do, you’ll enjoy deeper connections, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
Reorganizing a spare room recently led to the unearthing of old photos and memorabilia from key moments in our family’s life. My daughter Kennedy’s scribbled declaration that she wanted to be an actor at age seven. My son Kilian’s drawing of the Pokemon Charizard. The promo poster from my wife Lisa’s first book signing. The spooky story I wrote in 7th grade.
It reminded me how far each of us had come. Kennedy had a successful four-year run as Nancy Drew on the CW network and just finished filming the pilot episode for The Good Lawyer, a proposed spin off of ABC’s The Good Doctor. Kilian is a professional illustrator and graphic designer with his own company. Lisa is a New York Times bestselling author of 29 books and counting. My own spooky middle grade debut series Monsterious hits the shelves May 9, 2023.
Highlighting the successes we are enjoying in our careers can be deceiving. It can give the impression that we had our childhood dreams, and then we achieved them. What’s missing is the journey down long, winding roads filled with potholes, barricades, washed-out bridges, and steep inclines. Failure, exhaustion, crushing defeats, confusion, hard work, and self doubt were, and still are, familiar companions to each of us.
True personal development is a similar journey. We have a dream, an image of who we want to become, physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. We start down the path like so many before us, and quickly learn that real change does not come cheap. Focus, sweat, grit, and perseverance are the price. That’s why so many turn back, choosing the easier though ultimately unfulfilling road of abandoned dreams.
But a worthy goal is worth the struggle. All the effort, disappointment, fear, and frustration shrink to insignificance when we reach the mountaintop and bask in the sun of our realized dream.
My wife Lisa’s latest series
My son Kilian’s design firm
What are your personal development goals? Who would you love to become? Paint a compelling picture of what you want to achieve. Map out clear, practical steps. Invite a trusted companion to encourage you and hold you accountable. Take the first step. When you fall, get up and start again. If you do, you’ll know the fulfillment of real change and the joy of a life worth living as you take another giant leap toward Becoming Yourself.
