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The Real Point of Celebrating New Year’s

January 1, 2022 / Matt McMann / 0 Comments

What’s the point of celebrating New Year’s anyway?

It’s a milestone, a way of marking time. A chance to look back over a segment of our lives with fondness or regret. An opportunity for reflection, to see how (or if) we’ve grown personally. A convenient bookend to Christmas which extends the holiday season. An excuse to celebrate and have a good time.

Those are all valid reasons. But I think there’s a deeper one, an underlying theme that ties them all together. One that all of us long for but most of us rarely talk about with any depth.

It’s hope. I believe we celebrate New Year’s because we’re longing for hope. Hope that the coming year will be better than the last. This typically manifests itself in three ways:

1. We hope THE WORLD will be better.

That Covid will fade. Political division will ease. Racial tensions will improve. Economic disparity will lesson.

2. We hope OUR LIVES will be better.

Less stressful. Less difficult. More enjoyable. More fulfilling. Healed relationships. An improved work situation.

3. We hope that WE will be better.

More confident. More loving. More patient. More passionate. More compassionate. More alive.

So here’s the real question:

How realistic are those hopes?

I’m an optimist by nature and choice, but if I’m honest about my hopes for THE WORLD, things are looking grim. Unless our vaccination rates increase, Covid is sticking around for awhile. While the U.S. political landscape feels calmer than in recent years, it appears as fractured as ever. A broader acceptance of the ongoing impact of racism is helpful, but we have a long road ahead toward deep cultural change. Until those at the top choose to invest in and share with those at the bottom, the wealth gap will continue to grow, to the detriment of us all.

There are things I can do to bring about my hopes for THE WORLD. I can get vaccinated, commit to civil discourse and open-mindedness on political issues, acknowledge my own racial privilege, support policies for a more just economy and give money to quality charities that work to end global poverty. But even with all that, my impact will be relatively small.

My odds of actualizing my hopes for MY LIFE are better. I can scale back on my commitments, adopt a greater work/life balance, spend more time on life-giving hobbies, pursue a more enjoyable career and invest in meaningful relationships. But many things remain outside of my control—layoffs, illnesses, accidents and the choices of others can all seriously impact my quality of life.

That leaves me with my hopes for becoming a better version of MYSELF. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally. Emotionally. These are largely within my control. Improvements in this arena are ones that no one can take away from me. But no one can make them for me either. I can choose to act more loving and my feelings will follow. I can choose moderate exercise and mindful eating and I’ll feel better physically. I can grow spiritually by committing to a regular time of positive reading, meditation and communicating with my higher power. I can become more passionate by discovering and investing time in life-giving activities. I can become more compassionate by volunteering and giving money away.

So as you celebrate the New Year, think about your hopes. Do your small but important part to bring about your hopes for THE WORLD. Make minor and major changes to actualize your hopes for YOUR LIFE. But invest the lion’s share of your energy and attention to breathe life into your hopes for YOURSELF. Into becoming a better you. Because when YOU are better, your LIFE will improve, and you’ll set an example for others that can quite literally change the WORLD. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.

How to Manage Your Fear

December 25, 2021 / Matt McMann / 0 Comments

I was a scared kid.

I was afraid of the creepy storage room in our basement. The woods after dark. The freaky clown painting in the upstairs hall.

Then there were deeper fears. Rejection by my peers. Disappointing my parents. Failing God.

Some of those childhood fears have fallen away while others have stubbornly lingered. New ones have sprouted up to fill out my cityscape of dread. My wife getting sick. My kids struggling. Failing at my new author career.

These fears have too great a hold on my life, stealing my joy and peace. But they cling like cactus burrs. Eliminating them is easier said than done.

I don’t think I’m alone. That’s why I’m excited to share a wonderful resource on loosening fear’s grip on your life. It’s two episodes on the science of fear featured on the fascinating and wildly entertaining podcast Ologies.

Of the many mind blowing insights packed into these gems, the one that struck me the most is the idea that all fears are broken into two main categories:

1. I am not enough

2. I am not in control

That may seem too simple, but as I thought about all my fears, I found it rang true. The belief that “I am not enough” is the root of most relational fears, be it with friends, family, romantic partners, even strangers (fear of rejection, anyone?). The belief that “I am not in control” is the root of a whole host of fears, from flying, to elevators, to muggings, to cancer.

Why is this important? Because understanding your fears allows you apply a fear management technique called R.I.A.:

RECOGNIZE

The first step is to acknowledge that you’re afraid. Are you tense? Moody? Nervous? Stressed? Dreading something? Is your heart pounding? Are your palms sweaty? Learn to recognize the fear signals your mind and body send you. Fear often wears a mask, trying to convince you it’s exhaustion, stress or depression. Call it what it is—fear.

IDENTIFY

The next step is to assess your fear. Are you feeling you’re not enough or not in control? Is your fear factual or fictional? A factual fear has current, real-life data to back it up. A fictional fear does not. If your car stalls on railroad tracks with a train bearing down on you, your fear is factual. If you are afraid to walk into your dark bedroom after watching a scary movie, your fear is fictional. That doesn’t mean the feeling isn’t real, but identifying it as fictional can reduce its power. Remember, the vast majority of the things we fear never happen. Clarify your fear as specifically as you can. Give it a name.

ADDRESS

Now that you’ve recognized and identified your fear, it’s time to do something about it. What practical steps can you take to minimize its impact on you? Techniques such as slow deep breathing, extensive preparation, intentional laughter and facing the worst possible outcome in your mind are all relatively simple and effective. The military uses a type of exposure therapy to habituate soldiers to the fears they may encounter in the field. By repeatedly facing a slowly increasing amount of whatever you fear, it looses its grip on you.

So what do you fear? As you go through your day, keep your antennae up for fears sneaking in and stealing your joy. Recognize them. Identify them. Address them. Listen to the fear episodes on Ologies for deeper insight. If you do, you’ll discover a wonderful sense of freedom as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

A Simple Approach to Prayer

December 11, 2021 / Matt McMann / 0 Comments

The best prayer I ever heard was two words: “Help me.”

It was not eloquent. It wasn’t flowing. It wasn’t lengthy, poetic or selfless. But it was brutally honest. And painfully sincere. That prayer came from a deeply broken place, uttered by a friend who, in those two simple words, admitted the mess he’d made of his life and acknowledged he couldn’t fix it on his own.

In the forty-two years I’ve been building my relationship with God, I’ve said countless thousands of prayers. I’ve prayed alone, in pairs, in small groups and, in my former role as a music pastor, in front of thousands of people. I’ve attended conferences on prayer, read books on prayer, been on committees discussing prayer, taught classes on prayer and personally used a wide variety of prayer techniques like centering prayer, breath prayer, lectio divina and praying scripture. If there’s anyone who should not struggle with prayer, it’s me.

But I do sometimes (as described in my last post). When I feel stymied, stagnant or bored with my conversations with God, I think about my friend’s two word prayer. It reminds me that an effective prayer life isn’t about techniques or theological depth or impressive language. Life-giving prayer is simple. Organic. Authentic. Raw.

That said, using a basic framework during my set time of prayer (as opposed to my many spontaneous prayers throughout the day) helps keep things balanced. It provides enough structure to keep me from getting stuck, while allowing enough freedom to keep my prayers fresh.

Of all the prayer techniques I’ve learned, the one I use most often is one of the simplest. It’s an acronym of the word PRAY:

P – Praise

I start by thanking God for who God is (creator, provider, guide, mother, father, lord, friend, etc.) and what God has done for me (the good things in my life). Beginning with gratitude helps realign my perspective and puts me in a healthy mental place for the prayers that follow.

R – Repent

Repent literally means ‘to turn.’ It’s both acknowledging that I’ve gone in a wrong direction and taking action to correct my course. I believe I’m a wonderful yet flawed person, one who makes plenty of mistakes. I am sometimes insecure, self-centered, lustful, judgmental, ungrateful, entitled and addicted to my own comfort. Acknowledging those faults to myself and to God keeps me humble, reminds me to be more gracious with the faults of others and motivates me to grow.

A – Ask

I ask God to help others. My family and friends. Strangers I hear about. Situations of significance. I ask God to protect, to heal, to comfort, to guide, to encourage, to strengthen, to provide. I ask for God’s blessing and help in their lives.

Y – Yourself

I close by praying for myself. This section is last for a reason. After starting in gratitude, admitting my flaws and focusing on the needs of others, I’m usually in a good head space to think about myself. To remember what I actually need, what I truly want and what’s really important.

The beauty of this simple framework for prayer is that you can do it anywhere—in the car, at lunch, during a commercial, in a quiet room—and for any length of time, from a handful of seconds to hours on end. After forty-two years, it still serves me well.

So how about you? Do you have a desire to pray? Do you struggle as I have? Try this simple acronym. Start small. Keep it simple. Be brutally honest (God can take it). Be yourself. Stick with it. Have fun. If you do, you’ll find some peace, hope and comfort as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Becoming Yourself