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How to Deal with Disappointment

January 15, 2022 / Matt McMann / 0 Comments

I read the text and burst into tears.

The day after Christmas, I’d woken up with a scratchy throat and a fever. I got progressively worse and went to a drive-through testing site. Later that day, I got the results. After being fully vaccinated, boosted and wearing a mask inside public places, I’d still somehow contracted Covid-19.

I didn’t cry because I’d finally caught the disease I’d been dodging for almost two years. And thanks to the vaccines, I wasn’t worried about landing in the hospital or dying. I was crushed because we were three days away from our family holiday gathering with our kids.

Both our son and daughter spent Christmas with their in-laws this year, with our family slated to spend New Year’s weekend together. The six of us all being in the same place is a rare occurrence, and each one is my favorite time of the year by a mile. Now, like so many other families this year, my Covid diagnosis had just blown that cherished occasion out of the water.

Here are some things I learned from that bitter disappointment:

1. Let yourself feel it.

Disappointments are painful. Pretending otherwise doesn’t help anyone. As my dear friend and accountability partner often reminds me in hard times, “You’ve gotta let yourself feel the feels.” And while it’s good perspective to remember that others have it far worse, that doesn’t negate your pain. Just because someone else has cancer doesn’t mean your broken leg doesn’t hurt. That’s why I let myself cry and express my sorrow to my wife and kids.

2. Is this a dream destroyed or a dream delayed?

After letting myself absorb the crushing news and talking it through with my wife, I called my kids. They were not only supportive and understanding, but let me know we could reschedule for a couple of weeks later. While still disappointing, the sting was much less when I learned I just had to wait a little longer.

3. Are there any hidden benefits to the change?

Often you’re unable to see any unexpected benefits to a disappointment, at least not until time has passed. But sometimes you can find them even in the short term. My wife pointed out that if we had done our family celebration on Christmas Day and my pre-gathering test came up negative, I would have unknowingly put everyone at risk. I felt a huge relief knowing that didn’t happen.

4. Let it go.

My wife used to be a realtor and often put in countless hours with a client only to have them decide not to buy or worse yet, purchase a for-sale-by-owner home. Both instances meant she didn’t get paid. When that happened, her real estate broker gave her sage advice that she’s lived by ever since: “Let yourself feel bad for five minutes, then say ‘What’s next?’” Clinging to bitter disappointment doesn’t change the reality of it—it only lengthens its negative impact.

Disappointment is inevitable. How you respond to it is up to you. Let yourself ‘feel the feels.’ See if it’s a defeat or a delay. Search out any hidden benefits or hard-won lessons. Then let it go and move on. If you do, you’ll soften life’s stings and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

The Real Point of Celebrating New Year’s

January 1, 2022 / Matt McMann / 0 Comments

What’s the point of celebrating New Year’s anyway?

It’s a milestone, a way of marking time. A chance to look back over a segment of our lives with fondness or regret. An opportunity for reflection, to see how (or if) we’ve grown personally. A convenient bookend to Christmas which extends the holiday season. An excuse to celebrate and have a good time.

Those are all valid reasons. But I think there’s a deeper one, an underlying theme that ties them all together. One that all of us long for but most of us rarely talk about with any depth.

It’s hope. I believe we celebrate New Year’s because we’re longing for hope. Hope that the coming year will be better than the last. This typically manifests itself in three ways:

1. We hope THE WORLD will be better.

That Covid will fade. Political division will ease. Racial tensions will improve. Economic disparity will lesson.

2. We hope OUR LIVES will be better.

Less stressful. Less difficult. More enjoyable. More fulfilling. Healed relationships. An improved work situation.

3. We hope that WE will be better.

More confident. More loving. More patient. More passionate. More compassionate. More alive.

So here’s the real question:

How realistic are those hopes?

I’m an optimist by nature and choice, but if I’m honest about my hopes for THE WORLD, things are looking grim. Unless our vaccination rates increase, Covid is sticking around for awhile. While the U.S. political landscape feels calmer than in recent years, it appears as fractured as ever. A broader acceptance of the ongoing impact of racism is helpful, but we have a long road ahead toward deep cultural change. Until those at the top choose to invest in and share with those at the bottom, the wealth gap will continue to grow, to the detriment of us all.

There are things I can do to bring about my hopes for THE WORLD. I can get vaccinated, commit to civil discourse and open-mindedness on political issues, acknowledge my own racial privilege, support policies for a more just economy and give money to quality charities that work to end global poverty. But even with all that, my impact will be relatively small.

My odds of actualizing my hopes for MY LIFE are better. I can scale back on my commitments, adopt a greater work/life balance, spend more time on life-giving hobbies, pursue a more enjoyable career and invest in meaningful relationships. But many things remain outside of my control—layoffs, illnesses, accidents and the choices of others can all seriously impact my quality of life.

That leaves me with my hopes for becoming a better version of MYSELF. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally. Emotionally. These are largely within my control. Improvements in this arena are ones that no one can take away from me. But no one can make them for me either. I can choose to act more loving and my feelings will follow. I can choose moderate exercise and mindful eating and I’ll feel better physically. I can grow spiritually by committing to a regular time of positive reading, meditation and communicating with my higher power. I can become more passionate by discovering and investing time in life-giving activities. I can become more compassionate by volunteering and giving money away.

So as you celebrate the New Year, think about your hopes. Do your small but important part to bring about your hopes for THE WORLD. Make minor and major changes to actualize your hopes for YOUR LIFE. But invest the lion’s share of your energy and attention to breathe life into your hopes for YOURSELF. Into becoming a better you. Because when YOU are better, your LIFE will improve, and you’ll set an example for others that can quite literally change the WORLD. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.

How to Manage Your Fear

December 25, 2021 / Matt McMann / 0 Comments

I was a scared kid.

I was afraid of the creepy storage room in our basement. The woods after dark. The freaky clown painting in the upstairs hall.

Then there were deeper fears. Rejection by my peers. Disappointing my parents. Failing God.

Some of those childhood fears have fallen away while others have stubbornly lingered. New ones have sprouted up to fill out my cityscape of dread. My wife getting sick. My kids struggling. Failing at my new author career.

These fears have too great a hold on my life, stealing my joy and peace. But they cling like cactus burrs. Eliminating them is easier said than done.

I don’t think I’m alone. That’s why I’m excited to share a wonderful resource on loosening fear’s grip on your life. It’s two episodes on the science of fear featured on the fascinating and wildly entertaining podcast Ologies.

Of the many mind blowing insights packed into these gems, the one that struck me the most is the idea that all fears are broken into two main categories:

1. I am not enough

2. I am not in control

That may seem too simple, but as I thought about all my fears, I found it rang true. The belief that “I am not enough” is the root of most relational fears, be it with friends, family, romantic partners, even strangers (fear of rejection, anyone?). The belief that “I am not in control” is the root of a whole host of fears, from flying, to elevators, to muggings, to cancer.

Why is this important? Because understanding your fears allows you apply a fear management technique called R.I.A.:

RECOGNIZE

The first step is to acknowledge that you’re afraid. Are you tense? Moody? Nervous? Stressed? Dreading something? Is your heart pounding? Are your palms sweaty? Learn to recognize the fear signals your mind and body send you. Fear often wears a mask, trying to convince you it’s exhaustion, stress or depression. Call it what it is—fear.

IDENTIFY

The next step is to assess your fear. Are you feeling you’re not enough or not in control? Is your fear factual or fictional? A factual fear has current, real-life data to back it up. A fictional fear does not. If your car stalls on railroad tracks with a train bearing down on you, your fear is factual. If you are afraid to walk into your dark bedroom after watching a scary movie, your fear is fictional. That doesn’t mean the feeling isn’t real, but identifying it as fictional can reduce its power. Remember, the vast majority of the things we fear never happen. Clarify your fear as specifically as you can. Give it a name.

ADDRESS

Now that you’ve recognized and identified your fear, it’s time to do something about it. What practical steps can you take to minimize its impact on you? Techniques such as slow deep breathing, extensive preparation, intentional laughter and facing the worst possible outcome in your mind are all relatively simple and effective. The military uses a type of exposure therapy to habituate soldiers to the fears they may encounter in the field. By repeatedly facing a slowly increasing amount of whatever you fear, it looses its grip on you.

So what do you fear? As you go through your day, keep your antennae up for fears sneaking in and stealing your joy. Recognize them. Identify them. Address them. Listen to the fear episodes on Ologies for deeper insight. If you do, you’ll discover a wonderful sense of freedom as you take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Becoming Yourself