Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

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How to Score a Triple Win for Yourself, Others and the World: Kindness

I was tired.

Our recent move had left me frazzled as I worked my way through stacks of boxes and a long to-do list. With everything in our new condo finally in its place, I stared at the final pile – items to haul to Goodwill.

A large orange suitcase we hadn’t used in years caught my eye. It reminded me of the type used by the community of unhoused people who shelter each night alongside a building across the street. I wondered if I should offer it to one of them instead. While the idea felt intimidating, here I was in the comfort of this wonderful place while some of my new neighbors were sleeping on concrete in the cold a mere fifty yards away. Such a small act of kindness wasn’t asking much of me.

Swallowing my nerves, I grabbed the suitcase and headed outside. As I crossed the street, one gentleman eyed the suitcase eagerly. I said hello to the group and asked if this would be useful to anyone. The man I’d first seen excitedly raised his hand. I stepped toward him just as someone further down the row called, “We’ll take the suitcase!”

I looked over and my heart sank. A young couple sat beside a large pile of belongings with nothing to carry them in. My oversized wheeled suitcase would have been perfect for them. I apologized, explaining that the single man had asked first. Leaving the suitcase with the gentleman, I went over to the couple and offered some warm clothes and a blanket I’d brought with me. They accepted them gratefully.

Back in our condo, I told my wife Lisa what happened. She immediately went to our closet and came back with another roller suitcase, one we’d been planning to keep. She said it was smaller, but maybe it would still help. Second suitcase in tow, I headed back outside.

As I approached the group, I was surprised to see the large orange suitcase next to the young couple. I turned to the man I’d given it to and asked, “Did you give them the suitcase?” He nodded. “That was very kind of you,” I said as I gave him the second case.

I walked away in amazement. That gentleman, in a desperate situation, had been sincerely excited to receive the orange suitcase. He had no idea another one was coming, yet he gave his gift away to a couple who needed it more. His generosity was far greater than mine. I returned home feeling hopeful and energized, my weariness forgotten.

Kindness is a powerful thing. When we choose to act on it, kindness facilitates a rare win-win-win: it helps the person we’re kind to. It helps others when that person pays it forward. And it helps us.

Now more than ever, it’s easy to focus on the worst in people and our world, but take hope – there is still goodness, kindness, and generosity to be found. Choose to participate in it. Be a wildflower in a snowfield, a flickering candle guiding a weary traveler home.

What small act of kindness can you do today? Maybe it’s a phone call to a lonely relative or bringing food to an elderly neighbor. It could be writing a thank you note to an essential worker or sending flowers to loved one or donating to a charity or volunteering at your local food bank. Whatever it is, push through the stress and fatigue so many of us are feeling these days and choose be kind. If you do, you’ll help make a better world for others and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Idea Lab or Echo Chamber? The Choice Will Change Your Life (and the World)

The recent election season here in the United States revealed deep divisions in our country. Now that it’s (mostly) over and we’re either celebrating or lamenting, each of us has a choice – help deepen the divide or help facilitate healing. That reality reminded me of a story I wrote about in the following post originally published in December 2019.

While serving lunch at a homeless shelter recently, I got into a discussion with another volunteer about politics. A seventy-year old white man was sharing some of his political beliefs, and I said that I saw things differently. We began to dialog, debating our views on government-funded social programs designed to help even the economic playing field. I said that my perspective was influenced by a realization of my privilege – that I have economic and social perks in America simply because I’m a white male. Due to some biases built into the institutions and norms of our culture, I have unearned advantages, especially when compared to a woman of color. The person I was talking with disagreed with my assessment.

I am not writing to denigrate this man or his viewpoint. This individual faithfully volunteers at the homeless shelter and regularly leads teams to other countries to drill wells for people without clean water. He is a caring, compassionate, giving person whom I happen to disagree with on some political and social issues.

The reason I share this encounter is because of how it ended. Our discussion was brought to a close by my shift starting and his ending, but as we parted, he said something that surprised me: “This was good. I like talking to people who have different opinions about things because that’s how I learn.” We parted as friends, with waves and smiles.

It is no secret that we live in a highly divided time. On every level, be it global, country, state, city, or family, on a wide variety of social, economic, religious, and political issues, people disagree with each other. Strongly. Often these disagreements are shared with bitterness, anger, and hatred, characterizing people on the other side of an issue as stupid, callous, or evil. I get it. I have strong opinions about many “hot button issues” and am tempted to exhibit that same behavior. But is that type of dialog good or even helpful?

To be clear, I am not suggesting that we should look the other way or “all just get along.” Some beliefs and behavior finding support today are horribly destructive and deserve to be fiercely challenged. There are indeed some bad actors who knowingly trumpet harmful views for their own benefit, but often we assign malicious intent to everyone who holds a particular differing opinion when in many cases the cause may be simple ignorance. Or sometimes, as hard as it is for us to remember, we may be the ones in the wrong. And even when we are right, often the combative, dismissive, or condescending way we challenge an idea or behavior we disagree with only fuels the tension and deepens the divide rather than facilitating change or a consideration of our point of view. As the saying goes, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

That’s why I was so struck by my conversation with this man. We were able to discuss our widely differing perspectives on very controversial topics while still respecting each other. Liking each other. Being willing to learn from each other. I was so impressed that, at age seventy, this man was still open to having his views changed, even by someone twenty years younger.

It reminded me of a compelling blog post I read recently by Tim Urban at Wait But Why? He attributes much of the division in our society to people choosing to live in an Echo Chamber versus an Idea Lab. In Echo Chambers, we only surround ourselves with people who, and consider ideas that, reinforce our predetermined beliefs. There is little room for differing opinions or change. In Idea Labs, we open ourselves to a variety of perspectives, seeing conflicting ideas and viewpoints not as personal attacks, but as opportunities to grow and learn; as information that helps us have a more informed opinion about an issue; as added puzzle pieces that allow us to have a more complete picture.

Why do so many of us choose the Echo Chamber? Because it’s easier, safer, and less challenging. Many of us base our identity on holding a particular belief instead of something more foundational (see my post on identity here), so we’re highly resistant to having that belief questioned. It takes a humble, mature person who is secure in who they are to have open, respectful dialog with someone from a different perspective. To choose the Idea Lab view is to choose to see the other person not as “the enemy” but as a fellow human being, someone who, like us, has struggles, hopes, dreams, hardships, and a backstory that, if we knew it, would help us understand why they hold opinions that absolutely baffle us.

“In a speech Abraham Lincoln delivered at the height of the Civil War, he described Southerners as fellow human beings who were in error. An elderly lady chastised him for not calling them irreconcilable enemies who must be destroyed. ‘Why, madam,’ Lincoln replied, ‘do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?’”

Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power

My challenge to you, and to myself, is to choose an Idea Lab perspective today. Separate the opinion from the person. Dialog with respect. Give the other side a sincere listen. Be open to new ideas and to possibly changing your view. Share your perspective with the genuine goal of seeking the truth, not winning the argument. If you do, you’ll be part of the solution to our divide, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

A 5 Minute Action You Can Take Right Now to Improve the World

As we rush headlong into the final stage of a long election cycle here in the United States, I’ve been lamenting how our heated political debates often obscure the underlying values and concepts that form the heart of the matter. I was reminded of a document I discovered and wrote about in July of 2019 that helped clarify my thinking on this issue. I share that post again today in hopes that you find it helpful in this season.

My dad nailed me with one question.

As we often do when we get together, my father and I were engaged in a lively discussion. He’s a retired high school teacher and college professor with a PhD in philosophy. I inherited my dad’s love for deep discussion and debate. I was arguing the merits of a particular approach to addressing a social justice issue and, as he’s done many times before, he caused me to rethink my position with a profound but simple question:

“What’s your goal?”

That memory came back to me today as I debated whether or not to write this post. I came across something in my morning reading that I feel is really important, but sharing it here would be different than the kinds of things I normal write about at Becoming Yourself. I decided to use my dad’s clarifying “What’s your goal?” question to help me decide.

What is my goal in writing this blog? Generically, it’s to help people reach their personal development goals. More specifically, my goal is to help others become a better emotional, mental, and spiritual version of themselves.

But why? Why is it good or important to become a better version of yourself? What are the benefits that makes the hard work of personal development worthwhile? I believe we work on ourselves for two reasons:

  1. So that we can have a better quality of life
  2. So that we can more effectively help others have a better quality of life

Today’s post squarely aligns with that second reason – helping others. What I’m about to challenge you to do may not directly improve your life, though I would argue that we are all in this together, and when we help others, we help ourselves in the long run. What I’m encouraging you to do right now is this:

Read and, if you agree with it, sign the Barmen Today Declaration.

What is the Barmen Today Declaration? The link above gives more detail, but in short, it’s a statement that provides a simple way for you to stand with people who are suffering and marginalized. A simple way for you to make your voice heard in a call for unity and healing. A simple way for you to say every human matters and has inherent dignity and value regardless of class, gender, orientation, race, or religion. A simple way for you to say you stand for love vs. hate, compassion vs. apathy, and hope vs. fear.

This is not a statement in favor of any particular political party or religion. This is a statement about the kind of world you want to live in and are willing to fight for.

I know that most of you will be tempted, like I was, to blow this off. You’re busy with a lot of demands on your time. I get it. My challenge to you is simply this: Click the link. Give 5 minutes to read the declaration and, like I did, sign it. If you do, then when you hear the latest reports of division and suffering in your news feeds today, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that you gave just a little bit of your time to stand for a better world. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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