Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Page 61 of 94

The “4 H Formula” for Life Change: Humility + Help + Healing = Hope

October 10, 2020 / / 0 Comments

Lately, I’ve seen an uptick in the reading of posts on the topic of hope here at Becoming Yourself. Given everything going on in our world, it’s not surprising. We could all use a little more hope these days. With that in mind, I thought I’d share a post about finding hope that I wrote in March of 2019.

Being a pastor is a weird job. You do a lot of different things, and defining success can be tricky. Ultimately, the job of any pastor is to help people. As a former music pastor for twenty-five years, my primary job was to produce the weekend services, but over my career, I also did a lot of listening and counseling.

Through decades of trying to help people become better versions of themselves, I saw a pattern emerge. It was the framework for a process that led to real growth, one that was key to every successful life-change story I observed. I’ve used this technique many times in my own personal development journey as well.

I’m going to share that process here. Whatever pain or struggle you’re going through in your life – a relationship problem, depression, addiction, etc. – the “4 H Formula” may work for you. Here it is:

HUMILITY + HELP + HEALING = HOPE

1. HUMILITY – If the first step in solving a problem is acknowledging you have one, the second is recognizing that, in most cases, you’ve had a hand in it. That you’re not just a victim, but part of the cause. That kind of brutal honesty is difficult. But without it the likelihood of overcoming your issue is almost zero. Of course there are instances when horrible things happen to you through literally no fault of your own. That’s tragic. That said, to move forward you have to take responsibility for how you’ve chosen to respond to that suffering and what action, or lack of action, you’ve taken. That takes HUMILITY.

2. HELP – The second part of the formula is to admit you need help. There are some problems you can tackle on your own, but for serious ones you almost always need HELP. Making that admission, then taking the critical step of actually asking for HELP, really gets the change process moving. Whether it’s reaching out to a friend, doctor, pastor, or professional counselor, allowing others to HELP you is vital.

3. HEALING – So you’ve shown HUMILITY by admitting your part in your problem and have asked appropriate people for HELP. Now you’re ready for the third part of the equation – take the actions necessary for HEALING. Getting help is great, but no-one can “fix you.” You have to do that yourself. You can get all the best help and advice in the world, but if you don’t act on it, nothing will change. I’ve seen this time and time again, in my own life and in those I’ve counseled. Don’t let this be you! Be brave. Do the hard work. Take action. If you add HEALING to HUMILITY and HELP, that can result in…

4. HOPE – Humility + Help + Healing = HOPE. You’ve worked your way through the formula. You’ve tackled your problem with honesty and courage which has led to real growth and change. Now revel in the feeling of HOPE that you’ve earned!

Here are a couple of real-life stories of the 4 H Formula in action (for anonymity, I’ve changes the names and certain details):

John met with me at church and shared that he was in deep depression to the point of being suicidal. He showed HUMILITY in admitting the actions he’d taken that contributed to his problems. He reached out to me for HELP. I listened, asked questions, and prayed with him. Then I gave John the phone number of a professional therapist who could give him some tools to enable him to move forward. He made the call, went to his appointments, and took the action steps the therapist gave him for HEALING. Months later, John called me saying he felt like a new person. He’d found HOPE again.

I met Gail for coffee, and she confessed to an addiction that was wrecking her marriage. She showed HUMILITY by acknowledging that her own choices were a big part of her problems. She reached out to me for HELP and asked for accountability in taking steps to break her addiction. Gail enrolled in a recovery group, worked diligently at tasks that aided in her HEALING, and was transparent with her family about her journey. A year later, she told me how great her marriage was doing. Gail’s commitment to the 4 H Formula had brought her to a place of HOPE.

So how about you? Is there a problem you’re facing that makes you feel hopeless? Are you ready to take steps toward real change? Try the 4 H Formula: Show HUMILITY. Ask for HELP. Take action for HEALING. If you do, you’ll find HOPE and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed professional counselor and all opinions expressed here are my own.

A Personal Development Lens for Voting

October 3, 2020 / / 0 Comments

So what does voting have to do with personal development?

Some of you are nervous right now. Or groaning. You hate and / or are sick of politics. I get it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to mention any candidate or party. I have family, friends, and readers across the political spectrum. My purpose is not to get on a soapbox for a particular agenda.

I bring up voting because I believe personal development is about committing myself to a certain set of practices that provide a better life for me and others. It’s recognizing that my choices and actions impact not only my quality of my life but that of others as well.

For my American readers, the upcoming Nov 3 election is an example of how our personal decisions will have genuine consequences for real people in this country and, by extension, around the world. Our decision whether or not to vote, and the party and people we choose to support, will be a stone thrown into our societal pond, sending ripples far and wide.

So how do we make such an important decision? It’s common to vote based on the party of our parents, the one we were raised to believe was the “good one.” Some of us are “one issue” voters, be that issue abortion, supreme court nominees, immigration, tax policy, the environment, racial justice, fill in the blank. Whoever agrees with us on that one issue gets our vote. Others vote based on a desire for change or who they’d rather have a beer with or a candidate’s platform or experience. There are pros and cons to many different voting criteria. So how do you choose?

Here’s my suggestion in this highly important election. Step back from both parties, from specific issues, and from individual people. Think about the kind of person you want to be. What values and characteristics do you want to define you? Then widen your gaze. What values and characteristics do you want to define our society? Which ones do you truly believe lead to human flourishing? Let your answers to those questions be your guide in this election. Not how you’ve voted in the past. Not how your family votes. Not what your friends are pressuring you to do.

For me, the values and characteristics I want for both myself and our country include honesty. Humility. Empathy. Love. Compassion. Sincerity. Truth. Grace. Maturity. Competency. Discretion. Wisdom. Inclusion. Unity. Self-sacrifice. Decency. Respect. Equality. Generosity. Honor.

I often fail to live up to that list. There are no perfect candidates or political parties because there are no perfect people. That said, I’m going to vote for people I believe best exhibit those characteristics personally and who advocate for policies that seek to elevate those values for all of us.

What values would make your list? What characteristics do you want to describe yourself? Our society? Step back. Listen openly. Think carefully. Vote honestly and soberly. If you do, you’ll help positively shape our collective future and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Wrong Every Time: Stereotyping

September 26, 2020 / / 0 Comments

My dear friend and fellow blogger Susan Stocker recently wrote something that I felt was so important and timely that I decided to share it. In lieu of my own words this week, please take a few moments to read hers and subscribe to her inspiring, encouraging, and challenging blog here. I bolded the lines that especially spoke to me.

Sometimes, something is so unique that it defies comparison, labels or categories. This stunning picture is an example of that.

Most of the time, however, we think and talk in a very dangerous and harmful shorthand: stereotyping. When we group together “All” of anything, from people with the same color hair, to folks who drive the same car, to those who share an occupation or an opinion or a classification, we are stereotyping. Stereotyping is a “thought distortion.” In other words, we are thinking incorrectly when we don’t differentiate individual redheads from all redheads, or individual lawyers from all lawyers. We are wrong. Every time.

Nothing is more prominent these days than stereotyping:

All politicians are crooked.

All Republicans are racists and bigots.

All Democrats are socialists and communists.

All police officers . . . All Muslims . . .All southerners. . . 

It is intellectual laziness to group and dismiss. People never stereotype positively, only negatively. I’ve never heard anyone say, “All hairdressers are artistic and talented. All Hispanics are hard-working.” No, the grouping and the generalizations are always negative. And they are always wrong.

If you were bitten by a dog, you will be tempted to say, “I hate dogs.” How can that possible be true? You had a bad experience with ONE dog and decided to throw out the entire canine population?

I mention this now, particularly, because it causes so much hate and misunderstanding when we talk about “immigrants” or “lobbyists” or “mega-churches” and draw a “One Fits All” conclusion. 

For those of us trying to live in peace, catching ourselves when we stereotype is a great step toward exchanging our golf shoes for ballet slippers; we walk more gently through life. Giving up stereotyping increases our ability to be heard and to be able to have a discussion instead of an argument.

Catching others when they stereotype is a legitimate, non-aggressive conversational tool. “Wait. You said, ‘All politicians.’ That is unlikely, unproveable and does not pass my fact checker. That’s a stereotype and a generalization.”

Every profession, every nationality, every hair color, every dog is different and unique. All of us, when threatened or scared, are likely to bite. All of us stray from the moral high ground some of the time. All of us have spells of being ditzy or fiery, whether we have blonde hair or red hair. 

One fundamental criteria of talking the high road and following our North Star is not judging. There is no more contaminated form of judgment than stereotyping.

Here’s to our piece of peace this week: no stereotyping, given or received.

Love to each of my unique and individual friends — Susan

Susan Stocker is a blogger, novelist, and Marriage and Family Therapist with Masters degrees in Communication and Counseling. She served as a mental health ambassador to China in 1998 and has volunteered with the Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, and many other organizations. Her published works include Only Her Naked Courage (2013), Heart 1.5 (2013), The Many Faces of Anxiety (2013), The Many Faces of PTSD (2010), and Heart (1981), as well as her blog The Many Faces of PTSD (manyfacesofptsd.wordpress.com). She is on a lifelong journey toward Becoming Herself. You can contact her at sraustocker@yahoo.com.

« Older posts Newer posts »

Never Miss a Post – Subscribe Here!

© 2024 Becoming Yourself

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑