After a long day of editing one of my novels, I was feeling brain dead and ready to crash in front of the TV. For whatever reason, I got a strong sense that I should take a walk instead. Trusting the intuition or God’s nudge or whatever it was, I grabbed my keys and headed out.
I wandered with no particular destination in mind. I had my headphones in, but rather than turn on an audio book or podcast, I just enjoyed the quiet. As I passed houses and apartments, I admired the architecture and wondered about the lives of the people who lived there.
I soon found myself in Capitol Park, one of my favorite haunts. It’s an island of curved paths, soaring trees, and green grass in the middle of bustling downtown Sacramento. I ambled slowly, without an agenda, soaking in the calm surroundings. Crossing the lawn in front of the striking dome of the State Capitol Building, I walked over to my favorite trees, a row of towering deodar cedars. Something about their massive girth, rough bark, giant limbs, and open foliage has always captured my imagination.
As I stood gazing up at these wooden monoliths, I thought of all that they had seen and withstood over their one-hundred and fifty years. The city has literally grown up around them. Storms have come and gone. Political leaders have changed. People have lived and died. Rain-soaked winters have yielded to sun-drenched summers. And still they stand.
It helped me see my problems in a new light. I often get worried and anxious about my day-to-day struggles. They can seem so big and important and long-lasting. But against the backdrop of these trees, somehow they began to feel smaller, more temporary, less weighty. As I stood beneath these ancient cedars, I could almost hear them whisper, Take a deep breath. Storms pass. Everything’s going to be okay.
I walked home feeling more full, open, and at peace than I have in a long time. I said a prayer of thanks for the message of the trees.
What I’m about to suggest is neither profound nor a miracle cure. It won’t make your problems go away, be they big or small. But if your day-to-day struggles are looming large or if you’re feeling a little overwhelmed, try taking a walk. Amble slowly. Let your thoughts wander. Take in whatever beauty you can find around you. Listen to the trees. You just might find a healthier perspective and a little peace. And you’ll have taken another step toward Becoming Yourself.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
The Bible, 2nd Corinthians 4:16-18 (New Living Translation)
Why am I here? Why do I even exist? Have you ever asked yourself that big question? Do you ever wrestle with a nagging sense of responsibility? The feeling that you should be spending your life well but not being sure what that actually means?
I was struggling with this question back in college and came up with an answer. Thirty years later, it’s still serving me well. Having a working response to “Why am I here?” grounds me, gives me relief from guilt, and provides an overall sense of direction and focus for my life. My specific answers may not be right for you, but I hope that reading them will help you come up with your own. So here’s my take. I exist to do 4 things:
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1. KNOW GOD – You may not believe in God. I get that. If so, feel free to skip to #2. My belief in God is based on a lot of very subjective personal experiences and some rational arguments that, while certainly not conclusive, are more compelling to me than the counter positions. I could be wrong on that score, but that’s where I’m at now. For me, this is my most important reason for existing because all my other reasons flow from it. I’ve found that pursuing a personal relationship with God fuels the other three things on my list while giving me comfort, hope, meaning and much more.
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2. KNOW MYSELF – If you’ve read any of my other Becoming Yourself blog posts, you probably know that self-knowledge is a pretty big deal to me. I need a really good handle on who I am in order to become who I want to be. A sometimes painful peeling of the layers of my own proverbial onion is necessary for personal development. Since this is key to a rich, satisfying life, it comes in at #2 on my list. Here’s a few of my favorite quotes on this topic:
“All spiritual growth is no more than a matter of becoming who we already are.” Richard Rohr
“The early Buddhist view is that much or most of the misery of human life resulted from the false view of self.” Parfit
“To that which Thou hast made me, I aspire.” George MacDonald
3. HELP OTHERS – Most of us would probably agree with this one, but have you ever wondered why? First off, I believe that if some objective standard of Right and Wrong exists, helping other people falls on the “Right” side of things. Second, the Golden Rule I learned as a kid still applies (“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Jesus in Luke 6:31) I definitely need and want people to help me, so it makes sense to reciprocate. Third, it makes me feel good. Giving some of my time, talents, effort, and money to lighten someone else’s load gives me good vibes in return.
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I’m reminded of another reason for helping others – it has a positive ripple effect. My wife Lisa and I were returning from our walk one morning when we passed a disheveled elderly man yelling something at people in the park. Unfortunately, homelessness is a common problem for many in Sacramento, so he was being ignored. As I listened, I realized he wasn’t being belligerent but asking for help. I said good morning and asked him what he needed. He explained he’d just been released from the hospital and was trying to get back to his house, about a ten minute drive away. We don’t have a car in Sacramento so we called him a Lyft and explained the situation to the driver. Once we were sure she was comfortable taking the man home for us, we got him buckled into her car, paid for the ride and gave the driver a good tip.
As the Lyft was pulling away, a man walking his dog asked us if everything was all right. After we told him what had happened, he thanked us for what we’d done. He said if we all took the time to do small things like that to help each other, then we wouldn’t need as many government social programs. I was reminded that when I help people, I motivate others to do the same.
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4.ENJOY LIFE – I think that enjoying life is not just fun and relaxing but one of my key reasons for being. It makes me much more pleasant to be around and fills my emotional tank, which helps me live out the other three reasons listed above. Spending time doing things I enjoy reminds me that I’m a human being not a human doing. I could be wrong, but I think I’m more than a cosmic accident of time + matter + energy + chance. I believe I was made for joy and a relationship with God (“I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy would be complete.” Jesus in John 15:11). Lisa and I had our kids not so they could produce work but so that we could enjoy them and they could enjoy life. I think God did the same in creating me.
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So how about you? Why are you here? Why do you think you exist? What reasons would make your list? Take a few minutes today to think it through. Keep your answer short. Make it simple. Easy to remember. Enjoy the freedom and focus that having an answer brings. Use it as a framework to build your life around. Let it guide your future plans and daily decisions. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.
The mind, once stretched by a new idea, can never return to its original dimensions.
Attributed to both Ralph Waldo Emerson and Oliver Wendell Holmes
“It was nice knowing you,” my chiropractor said, apologizing in advance for the sever pain he was about to inflict on me.
I was there seeking relief from chronic back pain following an injury. In his initial examination, my chiropractor told me that my hip flexor muscles were extremely tight and contributing to my back problem. He explained that he needed to loosen them before the adjustment and warned me that it wasn’t going to be pleasant. He was right. It hurt. A lot.
As I walked away with instructions on how to stretch my hip flexors, I was honestly surprised. I had been doing what I considered a pretty complete stretching routine every morning for years. It turned out I’d completely missed this area. It was a blind spot I never realized I had.
I worked that new stretch into my normal routine. At first it was really painful. Those muscles had been a particular length for a long time and were comfortable there, thank you very much. They let me know in no uncertain terms that they weren’t interested in becoming longer, looser, and more flexible. But with gentle, steady, consistent pressure, my hip flexors slowly began to yield. Now, six months later, that has become a relatively easy stretch for me and has been a part of a regimen that’s largely resolved my back pain.
As I did that stretch recently, I began thinking about how much my mind has been like my hip flexors. For many of my fifty years, it had a particular size, shape, and way of thinking about certain areas of life that it was comfortable with. It wasn’t really interested in stretching. But about ten years ago, I started to feel a nagging sense that this “unchallenged mind” approach I’d adopted wasn’t healthy. It was too restricting. Too narrow. I began to feel the need to stretch it, specifically in the political, spiritual, and social areas.
Let me be clear – I was not excited about this idea. I would have much preferred to stay in my comfort zone with the self-satisfied assurance that my way of thinking about all these issues was already correct. But as someone committed to personal growth and being the best version of myself, I knew I couldn’t ignore this any longer. I needed to stretch my mind.
So over the last ten years, I’ve opened myself to new ideas, perspectives, people, and experiences. I read different books. Watched different shows. Hung out with different people. Went to different places. I listened more than I talked. I processed, weighed, and considered new views. It’s been a long, sometimes painful process. But like my hip flexors, with gentle, steady, consistent pressure, my mind has gradually yielded. It’s become larger, deeper, and sharper. I’ve learned which of my political, spiritual, and social beliefs stood the test and rightly deserved to be held on to and which I needed to let go of in order to embrace new truths that I had discovered.
As a result of these efforts, my beliefs have changed significantly in all those areas over the last ten years. The specifics of which of my beliefs have altered is not the point of this particular post. I’ll write more on that in the days to come. My goal here is sharing this “mind stretching exercise” that I’ve adopted over the last decade that’s really improved my life. I find that I am happier, more at peace, less angry and judgmental, more compassionate and understanding, and quicker to recognize other blind spots that I still need to work on. The pain has been unbelievably worth the gain.
So how about you? I know this can sound like a daunting task, but a willingness to stretch your mind can lead to incredibly positive results. What areas of your mind could do with a good stretch? If you’re not sure, look for the topics or beliefs you get most defensive about or have never seriously questioned – those are usually places where you could benefit from considering another perspective. It may be religion, God, homosexuality, gender roles, gender identity, race, politics, immigration, economics, the poor, or something else. Be humble. Be open. Be respectful. Be sincere. Be brave. Look for smart people who think differently than you do and grant them an honest listen. Give your mind a gentle, steady, consistent stretch. If you do, you’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.
Resources that have been helpful to me in my “stretching”:
SPIRITUAL / SOCIAL AREAS:
1. Richard Rohr’s daily thoughts email(sign up at cac.org) – a look at spiritual and social issues from the broad and inclusive perspective of St. Francis of Assisi. Richard supplements his own thoughts with the writings of other spiritual leaders from various traditions including women and people of color. The most influential spiritual stretching I’ve had in the last few years.
2. The Great Spiritual Migration by Brian McLaren – a powerful and thought provoking look at where Christianity has been, currently is, and where it is, or should be, heading.
3. Love Wins by Rob Bell – a though provoking look at love, God, the Bible, heaven, hell, and the ultimate fate of every human being.
4. The Liturgists Podcast, episode 20 – LGBTQ – a thoughtful, respectful conversation about homosexuality from a spiritual perspective by people with differing views.
POLITICAL / SOCIAL:
The Week magazine – weekly publication that briefly summarizes national and global news and politics from the left, right, and center. Available in print and digitally. Subscribe at theweek.com.
SPIRITUAL / SOCIAL / POLITICAL:
Words I Wish I Wrote by Robert Fulghum – a collection of quotes and sample writings on a wide variety of important life topics by writers and thinkers from various perspectives including women and people of color. One of my favorite books.
