If you’re anything like me, sometimes you just feel down. A general sense of malaise, a nebulous depression, an insubstantial gloom. In those moments, I’ve found significant help in trying to identify and name the source of my feelings. Finding understanding and clarity doesn’t fix my problem, but it helps me get a hold of it, makes it tangible, and gives something I can work on.
I recently read a quote that provided a new tool to do just that:
If anxieties focus on what might happen, and hurts focus on what has happened, disappointments focus on what has not happened.
Brian McLaren, Naked Spirituality
I find these three categories extremely helpful. Am I feeling low because I’m:
ANXIOUS about something that might happen?
HURT by something that has happened?
DISAPPOINTED by something that has not happened?
After asking these questions, if I’m still struggling to pinpoint the source of my feelings, I go through the categories of my life to see which one triggers a spike in my negative emotion. I get alone somewhere quiet and think about my career, my health, my finances, my wife, my kids, my friends, my parents, God, etc. I consider them one at a time, as if I’m holding that aspect of my life in front of me like a jewel and examining it from different angles. Usually, if I’m honest with myself, something clicks. I feel a “no, no, no, no, yes – that’s what I’m anxious about (or hurt by or disappointed in).”
Anxiety, hurt, and disappointment are natural, understandable human emotions. We all experience them at different levels throughout our lives, sometimes as minor inconveniences, sometimes as near death blows. It’s normal and healthy to allow ourselves to feel and process these emotions in a balanced way, neither ignoring nor wallowing in them. They often have positive things to teach us, important lessons that can help us grow into a better, happier version of ourselves.
That said, once you’ve identified WHY you’re feeling badly – because you’re anxious, you’re hurt, or you’re disappointed – here are some questions to ask yourself that may help you learn the helpful lessons and clear away the storm clouds:
ANXIETY
Is there a reasonable, fact-based probability that what I’m dreading will come to pass? What percentage of things I’ve worried about in the past have actually come true? Of those that did happen, how many were as bad as I had imagined? Is it worth allowing this potential event in the future to steal my joy and peace in the present?
HURT
Am I sure of the facts regarding the situation that hurt me? For example, was the person’s motive truly to wound me or was it unintentional? Even unintended actions can be painful, but not as much as deliberate ones. What do I wish would happen now that might help me heal? What actions do I wish others would do? Can I ask them? What actions can I take to ease my pain? Have I subconsciously participated in my own wounding?
DISAPPOINTMENT
Am I confident what I wished for would really bring me the joy I imagined? What other hope in my life has come to pass that I can be thankful for? Is there another positive future thing that I can shift my focus toward?
The next time you feel the storm clouds gather, take a moment to ask yourself – “Am I ANXIOUS about what may happen, HURT by what did happen, or DISAPPOINTED by what has not happened? What specific aspect of my life has me feeling that way?” When you’ve gotten clarity on the cause of your feelings, ask yourself the appropriate questions above. Answer honestly. If you do, you’ll feel a healing breeze begin to blow, and you’ll take another important step toward Becoming Yourself.
The quote above that served as the catalyst for this post is actually from a longer passage on prayer shared by Richard Rohr in one of his daily email meditations. If you have a more spiritual bent or are interested in how prayer helps us find God in difficult times, I highly recommend reading that post here.
This post was originally published March 28, 2020.
I recently had the strange and wonderful experience of watching my daughter Kennedy McMann on a TV show. She’s an actor living in New York City, and she guest starred on NBC’s long-running hit “Law and Order: SVU” (season 20, episode 4, air date Oct 11, 2018). If you’re not familiar with the show, it’s a police procedural focusing on a big city special victims unit. Horrible things happen to the characters portrayed by the weekly guest actors. As I watched Kennedy play these heart wrenching scenes, I found myself feeling incredibly proud, amazed by her talent, and caught up in the emotion of the story.
As I reflected back on that experience, I wondered at how Kennedy was able to portray all that raw emotion with such authenticity. Her acting experience and excellent training at Carnegie Mellon University can only carry her so far. Then I realized an important factor in understanding this ability – she was repurposing her pain.
It’s so tempting to deny, bemoan, bury, or wallow in your pain. But none of those responses are helpful. Not to yourself or anyone else. Instead, how about looking for a way to repurpose your pain? Let it serve as motivation or fuel for a healthy personal goal, like training for a race, taking a class, or applying for a new job. Can you share your story in a way that equips, encourages, and empowers others to face their own struggles? It may be as simple as a social media post or sharing a little more deeply than normal with a friend over coffee. Maybe it’s something more substantial like starting a blog or teaching a class or volunteering at your favorite charity or writing a book. Whatever it is for you, choose to start today.
We all have pain. The question really comes down to this – what are you going to do with it? I encourage you to embrace your pain. Feel it. Process it. Learn from it. Then let it go. Refuse to bury it, deny it, or marinate in it. Use your pain as fuel for a personal growth goal. Share your story to shine a light for others and find your own healing. If you do, you’ll take another giant step to Becoming Yourself.