Developing a Better You

Tag: becoming yourself (Page 1 of 5)

Idea Lab or Echo Chamber? The Choice Will Change Your Life (and the World)

The recent election season here in the United States revealed deep divisions in our country. Now that it’s (mostly) over and we’re either celebrating or lamenting, each of us has a choice – help deepen the divide or help facilitate healing. That reality reminded me of a story I wrote about in the following post originally published in December 2019.

While serving lunch at a homeless shelter recently, I got into a discussion with another volunteer about politics. A seventy-year old white man was sharing some of his political beliefs, and I said that I saw things differently. We began to dialog, debating our views on government-funded social programs designed to help even the economic playing field. I said that my perspective was influenced by a realization of my privilege – that I have economic and social perks in America simply because I’m a white male. Due to some biases built into the institutions and norms of our culture, I have unearned advantages, especially when compared to a woman of color. The person I was talking with disagreed with my assessment.

I am not writing to denigrate this man or his viewpoint. This individual faithfully volunteers at the homeless shelter and regularly leads teams to other countries to drill wells for people without clean water. He is a caring, compassionate, giving person whom I happen to disagree with on some political and social issues.

The reason I share this encounter is because of how it ended. Our discussion was brought to a close by my shift starting and his ending, but as we parted, he said something that surprised me: “This was good. I like talking to people who have different opinions about things because that’s how I learn.” We parted as friends, with waves and smiles.

It is no secret that we live in a highly divided time. On every level, be it global, country, state, city, or family, on a wide variety of social, economic, religious, and political issues, people disagree with each other. Strongly. Often these disagreements are shared with bitterness, anger, and hatred, characterizing people on the other side of an issue as stupid, callous, or evil. I get it. I have strong opinions about many “hot button issues” and am tempted to exhibit that same behavior. But is that type of dialog good or even helpful?

To be clear, I am not suggesting that we should look the other way or “all just get along.” Some beliefs and behavior finding support today are horribly destructive and deserve to be fiercely challenged. There are indeed some bad actors who knowingly trumpet harmful views for their own benefit, but often we assign malicious intent to everyone who holds a particular differing opinion when in many cases the cause may be simple ignorance. Or sometimes, as hard as it is for us to remember, we may be the ones in the wrong. And even when we are right, often the combative, dismissive, or condescending way we challenge an idea or behavior we disagree with only fuels the tension and deepens the divide rather than facilitating change or a consideration of our point of view. As the saying goes, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

That’s why I was so struck by my conversation with this man. We were able to discuss our widely differing perspectives on very controversial topics while still respecting each other. Liking each other. Being willing to learn from each other. I was so impressed that, at age seventy, this man was still open to having his views changed, even by someone twenty years younger.

It reminded me of a compelling blog post I read recently by Tim Urban at Wait But Why? He attributes much of the division in our society to people choosing to live in an Echo Chamber versus an Idea Lab. In Echo Chambers, we only surround ourselves with people who, and consider ideas that, reinforce our predetermined beliefs. There is little room for differing opinions or change. In Idea Labs, we open ourselves to a variety of perspectives, seeing conflicting ideas and viewpoints not as personal attacks, but as opportunities to grow and learn; as information that helps us have a more informed opinion about an issue; as added puzzle pieces that allow us to have a more complete picture.

Why do so many of us choose the Echo Chamber? Because it’s easier, safer, and less challenging. Many of us base our identity on holding a particular belief instead of something more foundational (see my post on identity here), so we’re highly resistant to having that belief questioned. It takes a humble, mature person who is secure in who they are to have open, respectful dialog with someone from a different perspective. To choose the Idea Lab view is to choose to see the other person not as “the enemy” but as a fellow human being, someone who, like us, has struggles, hopes, dreams, hardships, and a backstory that, if we knew it, would help us understand why they hold opinions that absolutely baffle us.

“In a speech Abraham Lincoln delivered at the height of the Civil War, he described Southerners as fellow human beings who were in error. An elderly lady chastised him for not calling them irreconcilable enemies who must be destroyed. ‘Why, madam,’ Lincoln replied, ‘do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?’”

Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power

My challenge to you, and to myself, is to choose an Idea Lab perspective today. Separate the opinion from the person. Dialog with respect. Give the other side a sincere listen. Be open to new ideas and to possibly changing your view. Share your perspective with the genuine goal of seeking the truth, not winning the argument. If you do, you’ll be part of the solution to our divide, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

How to Blow Away the Blues: Let It Out and Let It Go

I’m generally a positive person. Glass half full, look on the bright side, count your blessings, and all that. This morning, not so much. As I sat on our apartment’s balcony for my daily time of meditation, reading, and prayer, I felt… off. Flat. Discouraged. I started to do what I normally do – shake it off, focus on the positive, push past it.

But then I stopped. I realized that response was simply not being honest with God or myself. So I tried a different approach. I vented. Poured out my feelings to God. How I felt guilty having such a good and relatively easy life compared to so many who are suffering right now. That I’m discouraged by how slowly my writing career is progressing. How frustrated I am with my recent nagging knee pain that’s preventing me from exercising which in turn leaves me feeling sluggish and unmotivated. That I’m bored being inside and tired of only seeing people through a computer screen. How I’m sick of wiping down everything that comes in the door and have continual low-grade anxiety of catching this truly horrible virus.

After about ten minutes, a surprising thing happened. I felt better. Lighter. More calm. Like I’d purged myself of something nasty. It reminded me that as wonderful as a positive perspective normally is, sometimes I just need to acknowledge that I’m struggling. Get it out. Be real with myself and those I trust. Coming clean with all that junk to God and my wife Lisa not only helped me get past my malaise, it strengthened our relationships.

That said, here’s a really important second part:

ONCE I LET IT OUT, I HAD TO LET IT GO

Marinating in self pity is not an attractive trait. Nor is it helpful to anyone, least of all myself or the people who are stuck living with me (Hi, Lisa). I had to leave the wallowing to the pigs. Purge my stuff, take a deep breath, and move on. Focus on the good. Practice gratitude. Do something positive to get me headed in a helpful direction. My “do something positive” was writing this post in hopes that it might help somebody else.

How are you doing? Really. Look in the mirror. Ask that question honestly. Be real with yourself. Then find someone safe and be real with them. Vulnerability is hard. It feels like walking down the street naked. But it’s also really good for us and our relationships. And your willingness to “go there” may give someone else the courage to do the same.

So the next time those negative emotions start to bubble up, find a healthy place to let them out, then let them go. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

What Being Lost in the Zambian Wilderness Taught Me About Achieving Goals

I was lost in the middle of bush country in Zambia. I had traveled to the African nation with a church group to work with AIDS orphans. As a part of that effort, we were taking food, blankets, and other supplies to a remote village that had been devastated by the disease.

The day started calmly enough. I climbed into the back of the open bed truck with the rest of my group and perched on sacks of mealie meal as we pulled away from the guest house outside the capitol of Lusaka. Soon the paved road turned to a dirt road which led to a two track which became open wilderness.

We had traveled far across the rolling landscape, winding our way through huge clumps of brush when our driver stopped and got out of the truck. I glanced around expectantly, but there was literally nothing in sight. Our Zambian driver looked at us and proclaimed, “We lost. I go find us.” And with that, he ran off and disappeared.

After getting over the initial shock of that statement, we laughed and talked about how strange it was to be plucked from our suburban American comfort to find ourselves in the middle of the African bush. But as ten minutes turned to fifteen and our driver had not returned, the reality of our situation began to sink in. None of us had any idea where we were. The winding path we’d taken through the brush had left us all completely disoriented. There was no cell service. We became quiet and tense. I don’t think I was alone in silently questioning the wisdom of my decision to go on this journey.

Much to our collective relief, our driver appeared a short time later and declared that he had reoriented himself. We were once again off through the wilderness.

Soon I heard the unexpected sound of singing in the distance. It grew louder as we crested a hill and saw a small village laid out before us. Coming from the circle of mud and thatch huts was line of women, children, and old men, singing and waving their arms in greeting. The joy on their faces was palpable. I was stunned. No president has ever received a better welcome. Even as I write this, my eyes are filling with tears at that memory from sixteen years ago.

We pulled into a small open area among the huts and began passing out the supplies. Women took heavy bags of mealie meal, a course flour made from maize, and cried out with joy. Children laughed and yelled exuberantly as we tossed out soccer balls. Old men clutched the blankets we handed them and cried.

I will never forget that day. Something deep inside of me shifted, changed, grew. The world shrunk for me, and I recognized strangers on the other side of the globe as my sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews. I had come to a place I’d never been geographically and found a place I’d never been within myself.

I share that story to ask you this – who do you want to become? What is your personal development goal? Where do you want to see yourself in five years? Ten? At the end of your life? Reaching those goals will require going places you’ve never been, and sometimes you’re going to get lost along the way. You’ll find yourself sitting in the back of a truck, in the middle of the wilderness, wondering where you are and if this journey was such a good idea.

Embrace it. Fight past the fear and the allure of your familiar comforts. Becoming someone worth being sometimes means hacking your way through unmarked territory, along a path less traveled. But it’s worth it. You’re worth it. Do it. You’ll find footprints of those who’ve gone before you, signposts to help guide you. Step out. Like Bilbo leaving his safe hobbit hole to follow a wizard and some unruly dwarves, take up the adventure. Your future self, and those you inspire along the way, will thank you for it. You’ll take another giant step toward Becoming Yourself.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

From “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost

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