We’re a family of artists. My wife Lisa is an author, our son Kilian is an illustrator/graphic designer, our daughter Kennedy is an actor, and I’m a musician. These are typically not stable career paths. One thing I’ve learned in watching each of us follow our dreams is that you have to take risks in order to have the life you really want.
Today, Lisa is a New York Times bestselling author of twenty-two books and counting, but there was a time when she quit her job to try to make it as a writer and made no money for two years. When she did sell her first book for a relatively small amount, we rolled the dice again and invested that money back into promoting her career versus improving our standard of living.
Kilian has made a name for himself as a highly talented designer for the craft beer industry. I recently attended his highly popular class called Design With Beer In Mind, a part of Design Week Sacramento, that he envisioned, organized, and taught in. Kilian is loving the freedom and creativity his position affords him, but it came with a big risk. A year ago, he quit his secure job to go freelance and lived off his savings while he hustled to get his desired career off the ground.
Kennedy recently landed her dream job starring as Nancy Drew on a television series coming to the CW network this fall. But for a very uncertain shot at playing that highly coveted role, she took the risk of turning down a supporting part on another show that was guaranteed to air, even knowing that Nancy Drew might never get picked up for a series.
Having the life you really want requires risk. Your dreams won’t be handed to you. Planning, preparation, and hard work are all important, but at some point, you’ll be standing on the edge of a cliff. The life you desire will be just on the other side of a big gap. To reach it, you have to make the leap. You might make it. You might fall short. The only way to know is to jump.
That’s a risk I’ve recently taken. I left a comfortable, secure job as a musician to try to make it as a writer. My first manuscript secured me a top agent which I’m thrilled about, but so far, I have a growing list of rejections from publishers. Will I ever make it as an author? Will the risk pay off? I’m not sure yet. But either way, I’m glad I took the leap. Whatever happens, I’ll never have to live with, “What if?”
So how about you? What does your dream life look like? What risks would you have to take to make it a reality? Are you willing to take them? Visualize the life you want. Plan and prepare for it. Do the work. And when the time comes, take a deep breath, screw up your courage, and jump. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
I was walking through a Pediatric Intensive Care Unit to visit my niece when I heard a child screaming. Loudly. I glanced through an open doorway and saw five doctors and nurses bent low over a little boy, performing some type of procedure. Whatever was going on, the young patient was not happy about it.
As I walked on, I tried to imagine what that child must be thinking. From his limited understanding and perspective, he just knew a group of scary strangers was causing him pain. He was screaming to let everyone know that he wanted the pain to stop. Now. I’m guessing that in the child’s eyes, the ones causing the pain were bad and out to hurt him. Given my interaction with the caring and professional staff, I had no doubt they were doing something important and necessary for the boy’s healing, but he didn’t see it that way.
That experience led me to ask myself a question – how often am I like that child? I face some type of affliction, and my first reaction is to cry out in fear and frustration and do whatever I can to stop the pain. Soon after, I start assigning harmful motivates to the person or God or fate or the universe or whatever I perceive to be the cause of my suffering.
Over time, I’ve learned that those reactions to pain are seldom beneficial. My perceptions about my own suffering often don’t match reality. Like the discomfort caused by the medical staff to that child, sometimes pain is necessary for my healing and long-term good. While far from being enjoyable, pain can serve as a healthy catalyst to my desired growth and development. And similar to a coach pushing an athlete through arduous training to help them achieve their goals or a parent disciplining a child to develop their character, sometimes those who inflict pain on us are motivated not by malice but by love.
I’ve come to realize that, like the child in the hospital, I’m often a poor judge of what’s best for me. My judgements tend to be extremely short-sighted. Time and again I’ve done whatever I could to alleviate my emotional, mental, or spiritual pain in the moment only to regret it later. I think this is caused partly by my own failings, partly by my human nature, and partly by the limitations of my brain. I have huge respect for what we human beings can accomplish, but our minds aren’t all powerful. We’re not equipped to grasp all the complexities of life or to see all the long-term consequences of our choices.
So if I want to make the best choices for my life and become the best version of myself, I need help from someone who can see around corners. Someone bigger and smarter. Someone who has a better grasp on the Big Picture and has my best interests at heart. I believe I’ve found that someone in God. I know that’s a non-starter for some of you, and I respect that. I’m just sharing what’s worked for me. By cultivating a relationship with God, I feel like I have someone guiding and helping me on my journey in a way that no one else can. It’s helped me to be less reactionary, more peaceful, and to see my pain in a more wholistic light.
So how about you? What’s your perspective on pain? As you experience the inevitable trials of life, I’d encourage you to pause. Take a breath. Look for ways the discomfort can help you heal. Make you better. Make you stronger. This won’t always be the case, but before jumping to assume harmful motives, consider the possibility that there’s something deeper going on, something for your long-term good. Maybe there’s actually Someone looking out for you. And regardless of where it comes from, as best you can, embrace your pain and use it to grow. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
“What’s your dream?… This is Hollywood, land of dreams. Some come true, some don’t, but keep on dreaming.”
Man on the street at the end of the movie “pretty woman”
Kids are great at dreaming. They haven’t learned yet that there’s a limited demand for princesses (props on beating the odds Meghan Markle) or nonathletic NBA players. Nor have they faced the mockery that people who are disappointed with how their own lives turned out often heap on dreamers in a vain effort to not feel so bad about themselves. So in their blissful ignorance, kids are wonderfully honest and optimistic about their dreams.
But somewhere along the line, most of us stop dreaming. Life smacks us in the face a few times, and we give up. Decide it’s not worth risking our hearts anymore. If we don’t stop, we often allow other people to tell us what our dreams should be or define what achieving them looks like.
Here’s my encouragement for you today – pick one dream you want to accomplish. It can be big or small, old or new. Maybe it’s one you gave up on a long time ago. Whatever it is, choose something that makes your heart beat fast. A dream you have a real passion for. One that would get you out of bed in the morning. Forget what anyone else thinks, and pick your own true heart’s desire. Let’s call this your Big Dream.
Got one? Next, think of a short list of Support Dreams. These are smaller dreams that would mark significant accomplishments on the way to your Big Dream. Then focus your efforts on accomplishing your first Support Dream. Work hard and celebrate like crazy when you’ve achieved it. Whether you ever reach the second one or not. Whether other people think it’s a big deal or not. You accomplished a dream! Even if it’s small, you did it. You made it happen. And if you have the courage and drive to keep going, you’re closer than ever to making your Big Dream a reality.
Here’s an example. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a writer. I loved to read, and books had a major impact on me. I dreamed of being able to encourage, inspire, and entertain people with written words. My life took a different path, but I’ve recently returned to that dream I had as a child. I’ve chosen becoming a professional writer as my Big Dream.
I’m not going to lie – it’s daunting. It’s a dream that many have had and few have accomplished. But it’s mine. It’s real. It’s from my heart. So to help me on my way, I’ve come up with a short list of Support Dreams.
Support Dreams
Support Dream #1 – WRITE A BOOK. Not just think about it, talk about it, or fantasize about it, but actually sit down and crank out an entire book. Even if no-one ever reads it. Status– DONE! I finished the rough draft of my first novel in March 2018. My wife Lisa and I went out to my favorite restaurant to celebrate that night and got a surprise when we arrived. The top of the daily menu said, “Congratulations on your book, Matt!” I have it framed in our living room. Whatever happens from here, I accomplished a dream!
Support Dream #2 – GET AN AGENT. Full disclosure, I had a big leg up here. I had some great coaching and connections from my incredible wife Lisa McMann, a NY Times bestselling author. I learned about the industry, wrote a query letter, memorized an elevator pitch, met with an agent, and did some hard editing based on feedback. Status – DONE! I was signed by the amazing Michael Bourret at Dystel, Goderich, and Bourret. If nothing else ever happens on the way to my Big Dream, I accomplished this dream. That’s worth celebrating.
Support Dream #3 – GET A BOOK DEAL. This is a tough one, not only because the odds are against me, but because it’s largely out of my hands. This is mainly about my agent working his contacts with editors at publishing houses trying to get them to make an offer on my book. Status – IN PROCESS. My manuscript has gone out to eleven editors in the first round, and I’ve gotten five rejections so far. We’re waiting to hear back from the others.
Support Dream #4 – WRITE A BETTER BOOK. As work on support dream #3 cranks slowly along, I set myself to the task of taking what I’d learned from the first book and writing a second, better book. Status – DONE! I finished the rough draft this week. It still needs a lot of editing, but I’m proud of my work. Even if no-one else ever read this manuscript, I completed it. I accomplished another dream!
Support Dream #5 – EARN A LIVING WAGE AS A WRITER. Seeing as I don’t even have a first book deal yet, this is obviously a “way out there” support dream. That said, it’s an important step to include on my journey toward my Big Dream of becoming a professional writer. Status – NOT EVEN CLOSE.
I’m not saying this process is easy. I have days when I’m down, and it seems like my Big Dream will never happen. When I feel that way, I turn to my Support Dreams. I soak in the sense of accomplishment I have for the ones I’ve already achieved. Then I focus my efforts on my next Support Dream and let my Big Dream take care of itself. It really helps. Worst case scenario, I’ve written two books and landed a fantastic agent. I feel pretty great about that.
How about you?
So what’s your Big Dream? The one that you can’t get away from? The dream that takes your breath away when you allow yourself to imagine it coming true? What’s keeping you from chasing it now? Sometimes seasons of life make it harder or easier to go after a Big Dream, like how being an empty nester opened up the opportunity for me to pursue writing. But if you’re putting your Big Dream off, ask yourself this – is it really not possible now or are you rationalizing? Be honest with yourself. Is fear holding you back? Are you letting others define you dreams or your vision of success?
Pick a Big Dream. Make a short list of Support Dreams. Work hard at the first one. Watch your energy and passion grow. Even if the process leads you to a different destination than you imagined, remember that having the courage to take the journey is an accomplishment in itself. Celebrate each small success along the way. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.
