Developing a Better You

Tag: best self (Page 3 of 17)

Confident Dreamer or Insecure Screamer? A Trick Question

I just turned in my second novel to my editor.

It’s part of a series of dreams come true—I finished another book. I have an awesome editor. I have a book deal at a major publishing house. My agent recently gave me some great encouragement on how I’m doing at this early stage of my writing career. It all made me feel like a confident dreamer.

Yet there were times during the process of writing this book that I felt terrible. Lost on how to proceed. Feeling like a fraud. Imagining my editor would realize she made a terrible mistake and cancel my contract. Moments when I placed my head in my hands and metaphorically howled at the moon. They were all clear signs of an insecure screamer.

I recently attended a webinar on marketing by an author I admire. Then I saw that another popular and accomplished author I respect was in attendance. The negative thoughts rushed in—I could never be like them, never do what they’ve done. Yet as the session unfolded, I realized I’d already worked on much of what was being shared. It felt reassuring and gave me the sense that I can make it in this new career. I experienced insecurity and confidence in the same hour.

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

So am I a confident dreamer or an insecure screamer? Clearly, the answer is both. There are times when I’m cruising along belting “Don’t Stop Believing” and other times when my confidence is a pile of wreckage on the side of the road.

I don’t think I’m alone in this dichotomy. The reality is that if we’re pursuing a big enough dream, there will be times we feel insecure. If not, we’re probably playing it too safe, not daring wildly or reaching far enough. On the flip side, if we’re often mired in crippling insecurity, that’s a sign we need to work on our belief in our calling, abilities and self-worth.

So how do you find that balance between being a confident dreamer and an insecure screamer? The first step is to realize that, as author and speaker Andy Stanley puts it, this is not a problem to be solved but a tension to be managed.

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

How do you manage that tension? Regularly reach for your dreams in ways that scare you a bit. Make that call. Have that conversation. Submit that proposal. Go to that seminar. Enter that contest. Take that class. Raise your hand. Say yes.

Balance those insecurity-inducing steps with things that bolster your confidence. Routinely rest and play to restore your perspective. Believe in someone or something bigger than yourself. Spend time with encouraging, life-giving people. Step away from negative, draining relationships. Consume inspiring, motivating content through books, music, podcasts, movies and shows. Embrace your own uniqueness and worth.

Learn to be comfortable living with the tension between being a confident dreamer and an insecure screamer. If you do, you’ll move closer to your most audacious goals, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Need Motivation? Remember Personal Development isn’t Just Personal

Sometimes I forget that personal development isn’t just personal.

While becoming a better emotional and spiritual version of myself certainly benefits me, it also has a ripple effect. Everyone I interact with, from my closest friends and family to the checkout clerk I meet at the grocery store, is impacted by who I am and who I’m becoming.

I’m not saying I can make anyone grow or change. That power lies with each of us alone. And like you, I’m bombarded on a daily basis by bad examples of how to be human. But my personal development efforts can help me set a good example of what a healthy, growing human can look like. Though wildly imperfect, I can still be a useful guide for others to follow, as so many have done for me.

When I’m tempted to slack off on a personal development habit, be it better eating/sleeping/exercising, volunteering, nurturing meaningful relationships, spending time in prayer and meditation or sharpening my mind, I remind myself of this quote:

Be the reason someone believes in the goodness of people.

karen salmansohn

Remembering that my personal development journey is for the good of others as well as for myself often gives me the motivation I need to keep going.

So how about you? What kind of example are you setting for those around you? When people look at your life, are they inspired to become better versions of themselves? Do your words, actions, attitudes, behavior and how you spend your time, money and energy leave people discouraged by humanity or filled with hope at what an intentional person can be?

Your life gives off ripples. Everyone around you is effected. Choose simple, healthy habits for your heart, mind, body and spirit. Work them into your routine. Ask others to keep you accountable. Remember the quote above. If you do, you’ll not only enjoy a more peaceful, energized and fulfilling life, but you’ll help others do the same. And you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

How to Deal with Disappointment

I read the text and burst into tears.

The day after Christmas, I’d woken up with a scratchy throat and a fever. I got progressively worse and went to a drive-through testing site. Later that day, I got the results. After being fully vaccinated, boosted and wearing a mask inside public places, I’d still somehow contracted Covid-19.

I didn’t cry because I’d finally caught the disease I’d been dodging for almost two years. And thanks to the vaccines, I wasn’t worried about landing in the hospital or dying. I was crushed because we were three days away from our family holiday gathering with our kids.

Both our son and daughter spent Christmas with their in-laws this year, with our family slated to spend New Year’s weekend together. The six of us all being in the same place is a rare occurrence, and each one is my favorite time of the year by a mile. Now, like so many other families this year, my Covid diagnosis had just blown that cherished occasion out of the water.

Here are some things I learned from that bitter disappointment:

1.  Let yourself feel it. 

Disappointments are painful. Pretending otherwise doesn’t help anyone. As my dear friend and accountability partner often reminds me in hard times, “You’ve gotta let yourself feel the feels.” And while it’s good perspective to remember that others have it far worse, that doesn’t negate your pain. Just because someone else has cancer doesn’t mean your broken leg doesn’t hurt. That’s why I let myself cry and express my sorrow to my wife and kids.

2.  Is this a dream destroyed or a dream delayed?

After letting myself absorb the crushing news and talking it through with my wife, I called my kids. They were not only supportive and understanding, but let me know we could reschedule for a couple of weeks later. While still disappointing, the sting was much less when I learned I just had to wait a little longer.

3. Are there any hidden benefits to the change? 

Often you’re unable to see any unexpected benefits to a disappointment, at least not until time has passed. But sometimes you can find them even in the short term. My wife pointed out that if we had done our family celebration on Christmas Day and my pre-gathering test came up negative, I would have unknowingly put everyone at risk. I felt a huge relief knowing that didn’t happen.

4. Let it go.

My wife used to be a realtor and often put in countless hours with a client only to have them decide not to buy or worse yet, purchase a for-sale-by-owner home. Both instances meant she didn’t get paid. When that happened, her real estate broker gave her sage advice that she’s lived by ever since: “Let yourself feel bad for five minutes, then say ‘What’s next?’” Clinging to bitter disappointment doesn’t change the reality of it—it only lengthens its negative impact.

Disappointment is inevitable. How you respond to it is up to you. Let yourself ‘feel the feels.’ See if it’s a defeat or a delay. Search out any hidden benefits or hard-won lessons. Then let it go and move on. If you do, you’ll soften life’s stings and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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