Becoming Yourself

Developing a Better You

Tag: best self (Page 7 of 17)

How to Get Through a Hard Holiday Season

December 19, 2020 / / 0 Comments

Let’s admit it.

The holidays are not going to be normal this year. More accurately, they’re going to be worse. A lot worse. Coronavirus is robbing us of many of the things that make this season meaningful and joyful.

So how do we make the best of a bad situation? Let’s start with two things NOT to do:

1. IGNORE IT – Just put on a smile. Grin and bear it. Don’t worry be happy. Pretend everything’s great. No. It’s not great. Don’t lie to your heart. This whole situation is incredibly difficult. It’s hard and sad and lonely. Pretending it isn’t doesn’t make your pain go away; it just drives it underground where it does its damage in secret.

2. WALLOW IN IT – Everything is terrible. My life is awful. This is the worst tragedy ever. These hard times will never end. This approach is also not helpful. Things are bad, no doubt, but many people have gone through, and are going through, much worse. Choosing to marinate in negativity only serves to prolong your suffering and stunt your growth.

So ignoring and wallowing are out. What CAN we do? Here are three suggestions:

1. GRIEVE WELL – That grief you’re feeling? It’s real. In addition to whatever physical, mental, emotional, or financial knothole coronavirus has dragged you through, you may be one of the many to miss out on treasured family gatherings this year. You don’t get those back. Take fifteen minutes or an hour or a day or whatever you need to just let yourself be sad. Acknowledge your pain and disappointment. Feel your feelings. Grieve well. Then, let it go. Set your grief aside. Don’t get stuck in emotional quicksand. At some point, grieving ceases to be healthy and becomes counterproductive. Focus on the positive things in your life (you probably have a lot of them) and do something productive and enjoyable. Steer your way back toward the light.

2. HELP SOMEONE – You’re not alone in those awful feelings. A lot of other people are having them too. Deliver cookies to someone living alone. Give socks, blankets, and goodie bags to unsheltered neighbors. Donate money to your local food bank. Call your grandma. Doing something kind for someone else, even when you feel terrible, not only helps them. It will make you feel better too.

3. MAKE A PLAN – My wife and I were talking with some good friends about how hard it will be to not see our kids this Christmas. They shared how they’ve learned to make holidays alone more manageable by planning specific feel-good activities in advance. They stock up on their favorite comfort foods, map out a long walk, and create a watch list of favorite movies. My wife and I are going to borrow from their ideas this year, adding in opening presents with our kids on a group video chat. 

This holiday season is going to be tough. Avoid the extremes of denying that reality or wallowing in it. Grieve well. Help someone. Make a plan. If you do, you’ll get through this storm, and you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

A 5 Minute Action You Can Take Right Now to Improve the World

October 31, 2020 / / 4 Comments

As we rush headlong into the final stage of a long election cycle here in the United States, I’ve been lamenting how our heated political debates often obscure the underlying values and concepts that form the heart of the matter. I was reminded of a document I discovered and wrote about in July of 2019 that helped clarify my thinking on this issue. I share that post again today in hopes that you find it helpful in this season.

My dad nailed me with one question.

As we often do when we get together, my father and I were engaged in a lively discussion. He’s a retired high school teacher and college professor with a PhD in philosophy. I inherited my dad’s love for deep discussion and debate. I was arguing the merits of a particular approach to addressing a social justice issue and, as he’s done many times before, he caused me to rethink my position with a profound but simple question:

“What’s your goal?”

That memory came back to me today as I debated whether or not to write this post. I came across something in my morning reading that I feel is really important, but sharing it here would be different than the kinds of things I normal write about at Becoming Yourself. I decided to use my dad’s clarifying “What’s your goal?” question to help me decide.

What is my goal in writing this blog? Generically, it’s to help people reach their personal development goals. More specifically, my goal is to help others become a better emotional, mental, and spiritual version of themselves.

But why? Why is it good or important to become a better version of yourself? What are the benefits that makes the hard work of personal development worthwhile? I believe we work on ourselves for two reasons:

  1. So that we can have a better quality of life
  2. So that we can more effectively help others have a better quality of life

Today’s post squarely aligns with that second reason – helping others. What I’m about to challenge you to do may not directly improve your life, though I would argue that we are all in this together, and when we help others, we help ourselves in the long run. What I’m encouraging you to do right now is this:

Read and, if you agree with it, sign the Barmen Today Declaration.

What is the Barmen Today Declaration? The link above gives more detail, but in short, it’s a statement that provides a simple way for you to stand with people who are suffering and marginalized. A simple way for you to make your voice heard in a call for unity and healing. A simple way for you to say every human matters and has inherent dignity and value regardless of class, gender, orientation, race, or religion. A simple way for you to say you stand for love vs. hate, compassion vs. apathy, and hope vs. fear.

This is not a statement in favor of any particular political party or religion. This is a statement about the kind of world you want to live in and are willing to fight for.

I know that most of you will be tempted, like I was, to blow this off. You’re busy with a lot of demands on your time. I get it. My challenge to you is simply this: Click the link. Give 5 minutes to read the declaration and, like I did, sign it. If you do, then when you hear the latest reports of division and suffering in your news feeds today, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that you gave just a little bit of your time to stand for a better world. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

The “4 H Formula” for Life Change: Humility + Help + Healing = Hope

October 10, 2020 / / 0 Comments

Lately, I’ve seen an uptick in the reading of posts on the topic of hope here at Becoming Yourself. Given everything going on in our world, it’s not surprising. We could all use a little more hope these days. With that in mind, I thought I’d share a post about finding hope that I wrote in March of 2019.

Being a pastor is a weird job. You do a lot of different things, and defining success can be tricky. Ultimately, the job of any pastor is to help people. As a former music pastor for twenty-five years, my primary job was to produce the weekend services, but over my career, I also did a lot of listening and counseling.

Through decades of trying to help people become better versions of themselves, I saw a pattern emerge. It was the framework for a process that led to real growth, one that was key to every successful life-change story I observed. I’ve used this technique many times in my own personal development journey as well.

I’m going to share that process here. Whatever pain or struggle you’re going through in your life – a relationship problem, depression, addiction, etc. – the “4 H Formula” may work for you. Here it is:

HUMILITY + HELP + HEALING = HOPE

1. HUMILITY – If the first step in solving a problem is acknowledging you have one, the second is recognizing that, in most cases, you’ve had a hand in it. That you’re not just a victim, but part of the cause. That kind of brutal honesty is difficult. But without it the likelihood of overcoming your issue is almost zero. Of course there are instances when horrible things happen to you through literally no fault of your own. That’s tragic. That said, to move forward you have to take responsibility for how you’ve chosen to respond to that suffering and what action, or lack of action, you’ve taken. That takes HUMILITY.

2. HELP – The second part of the formula is to admit you need help. There are some problems you can tackle on your own, but for serious ones you almost always need HELP. Making that admission, then taking the critical step of actually asking for HELP, really gets the change process moving. Whether it’s reaching out to a friend, doctor, pastor, or professional counselor, allowing others to HELP you is vital.

3. HEALING – So you’ve shown HUMILITY by admitting your part in your problem and have asked appropriate people for HELP. Now you’re ready for the third part of the equation – take the actions necessary for HEALING. Getting help is great, but no-one can “fix you.” You have to do that yourself. You can get all the best help and advice in the world, but if you don’t act on it, nothing will change. I’ve seen this time and time again, in my own life and in those I’ve counseled. Don’t let this be you! Be brave. Do the hard work. Take action. If you add HEALING to HUMILITY and HELP, that can result in…

4. HOPE – Humility + Help + Healing = HOPE. You’ve worked your way through the formula. You’ve tackled your problem with honesty and courage which has led to real growth and change. Now revel in the feeling of HOPE that you’ve earned!

Here are a couple of real-life stories of the 4 H Formula in action (for anonymity, I’ve changes the names and certain details):

John met with me at church and shared that he was in deep depression to the point of being suicidal. He showed HUMILITY in admitting the actions he’d taken that contributed to his problems. He reached out to me for HELP. I listened, asked questions, and prayed with him. Then I gave John the phone number of a professional therapist who could give him some tools to enable him to move forward. He made the call, went to his appointments, and took the action steps the therapist gave him for HEALING. Months later, John called me saying he felt like a new person. He’d found HOPE again.

I met Gail for coffee, and she confessed to an addiction that was wrecking her marriage. She showed HUMILITY by acknowledging that her own choices were a big part of her problems. She reached out to me for HELP and asked for accountability in taking steps to break her addiction. Gail enrolled in a recovery group, worked diligently at tasks that aided in her HEALING, and was transparent with her family about her journey. A year later, she told me how great her marriage was doing. Gail’s commitment to the 4 H Formula had brought her to a place of HOPE.

So how about you? Is there a problem you’re facing that makes you feel hopeless? Are you ready to take steps toward real change? Try the 4 H Formula: Show HUMILITY. Ask for HELP. Take action for HEALING. If you do, you’ll find HOPE and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed professional counselor and all opinions expressed here are my own.

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