Developing a Better You

Tag: best self (Page 8 of 17)

The “4 H Formula” for Life Change: Humility + Help + Healing = Hope

Lately, I’ve seen an uptick in the reading of posts on the topic of hope here at Becoming Yourself. Given everything going on in our world, it’s not surprising. We could all use a little more hope these days. With that in mind, I thought I’d share a post about finding hope that I wrote in March of 2019.

Being a pastor is a weird job. You do a lot of different things, and defining success can be tricky. Ultimately, the job of any pastor is to help people. As a former music pastor for twenty-five years, my primary job was to produce the weekend services, but over my career, I also did a lot of listening and counseling.

Through decades of trying to help people become better versions of themselves, I saw a pattern emerge. It was the framework for a process that led to real growth, one that was key to every successful life-change story I observed. I’ve used this technique many times in my own personal development journey as well.

I’m going to share that process here. Whatever pain or struggle you’re going through in your life – a relationship problem, depression, addiction, etc. – the “4 H Formula” may work for you. Here it is:

HUMILITY + HELP + HEALING = HOPE

1. HUMILITY – If the first step in solving a problem is acknowledging you have one, the second is recognizing that, in most cases, you’ve had a hand in it. That you’re not just a victim, but part of the cause. That kind of brutal honesty is difficult. But without it the likelihood of overcoming your issue is almost zero. Of course there are instances when horrible things happen to you through literally no fault of your own. That’s tragic. That said, to move forward you have to take responsibility for how you’ve chosen to respond to that suffering and what action, or lack of action, you’ve taken. That takes HUMILITY.

2. HELP – The second part of the formula is to admit you need help. There are some problems you can tackle on your own, but for serious ones you almost always need HELP. Making that admission, then taking the critical step of actually asking for HELP, really gets the change process moving. Whether it’s reaching out to a friend, doctor, pastor, or professional counselor, allowing others to HELP you is vital.

3. HEALING – So you’ve shown HUMILITY by admitting your part in your problem and have asked appropriate people for HELP. Now you’re ready for the third part of the equation – take the actions necessary for HEALING. Getting help is great, but no-one can “fix you.” You have to do that yourself. You can get all the best help and advice in the world, but if you don’t act on it, nothing will change. I’ve seen this time and time again, in my own life and in those I’ve counseled. Don’t let this be you! Be brave. Do the hard work. Take action. If you add HEALING to HUMILITY and HELP, that can result in…

4. HOPE – Humility + Help + Healing = HOPE. You’ve worked your way through the formula. You’ve tackled your problem with honesty and courage which has led to real growth and change. Now revel in the feeling of HOPE that you’ve earned!

Here are a couple of real-life stories of the 4 H Formula in action (for anonymity, I’ve changes the names and certain details):

John met with me at church and shared that he was in deep depression to the point of being suicidal. He showed HUMILITY in admitting the actions he’d taken that contributed to his problems. He reached out to me for HELP. I listened, asked questions, and prayed with him. Then I gave John the phone number of a professional therapist who could give him some tools to enable him to move forward. He made the call, went to his appointments, and took the action steps the therapist gave him for HEALING. Months later, John called me saying he felt like a new person. He’d found HOPE again.

I met Gail for coffee, and she confessed to an addiction that was wrecking her marriage. She showed HUMILITY by acknowledging that her own choices were a big part of her problems. She reached out to me for HELP and asked for accountability in taking steps to break her addiction. Gail enrolled in a recovery group, worked diligently at tasks that aided in her HEALING, and was transparent with her family about her journey. A year later, she told me how great her marriage was doing. Gail’s commitment to the 4 H Formula had brought her to a place of HOPE.

So how about you? Is there a problem you’re facing that makes you feel hopeless? Are you ready to take steps toward real change? Try the 4 H Formula: Show HUMILITY. Ask for HELP. Take action for HEALING. If you do, you’ll find HOPE and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed professional counselor and all opinions expressed here are my own.

Surviving Stress: Three Essential Life-Hacks

My good friend Danielle Thorp, who goes by her nickname, “Happy”, is a very talented freelance writer, editor, and personal development blogger. I asked her if she’d be willing to write a guest post for Becoming Yourself, and she graciously agreed. I’m so glad to share her insight with you today. If you or someone you know needs editing or writing services, I highly recommend Happy. Her contact info is at the end of this post. Enjoy!

As Matt pointed out in his last post, it’s been quite a year. And yes, it’s only July.

The strict lock-downs in New York City due to COVID-19 have had me living in relative isolation in a tiny studio apartment in Brooklyn since the second week of March. Losing my job at the beginning of May abruptly stole a great deal of built-in structure and meaning. An uptick in crime in a nearby neighborhood made venturing out feel a bit unnerving during the first half of June. More than once, falling into complete despair has become seriously tempting. 

But while I may or may not have occasionally crawled into bed at 3pm with a bottle of wine and a bag of potato chips to watch entirely too many movies on Hallmark Now, years of leaning into personal development practices – in both good times and bad – have taught me how indispensable self-care is during seasons like this. 

Here are three of the practices that I’ve found most helpful recently.

1. MOVE

In an early episode of her podcast, Unlocking Us, Brené Brown shared 7 words that have become something of a mantra for me this year: “Move your body; it’s where anxiety lives.”

We know this intuitively; when we’re stressed, our shoulders become tense, we clench our jaws, we find ourselves tapping our fingers or a foot. Stress can have a profound impact not just on our moods, but on our behaviors (choices) and our physical bodies (including our immune systems). A quick internet search turns up not just a wealth of information on the symptoms of stress, but also a key and proven way to mitigate the anxiety that accompanies stress: movement.

Extensive research also shows that time in nature has a positive impact on reducing the symptoms of stress and anxiety. So, I make it a point to get out for a walk as often as possible – at least once a day, if not more often. It’s not always safe to go to a park, due to overcrowding – it’s hard to stay 6 feet away from others in a crowd! – but even a walk around the block to enjoy my neighbors’ flower gardens can help me calm down when I’m anxious. And on rainy days when I can’t get outside, I water my plants and try to do some simple yoga/stretches.

2. BREATHE

In a recent article in the Wall Street Journal on The Healing Power of Proper Breathing, author James Nestor jokes, “Breathing is not an activity that anyone is feeling confident about right now.”

There’s some truth to that – most of us are currently living with a healthy respect for an airborne virus – so breathing deeply (especially through a mask!) may not feel like the most natural solution to our problems. But not breathing deeply can actually increase feelings of stress and anxiety.

Last fall, I experienced a series of panic attacks that came seemingly out of nowhere. In retrospect, they were likely related to unprocessed grief and a lot of change – but one of the symptoms that manifested in those moments was feeling like I couldn’t breathe. Two very wise friends who had experience navigating panic taught me some breathing patterns and what they knew about the science behind why they work to induce calm. It helped immensely. 

Similar experiences of panic have asserted themselves periodically over the past few weeks, which isn’t all that surprising. While what I’ve already discovered has been useful, I’m still learning as much as I can about the ways that breathing impacts our health. In fact, James Nestor’s latest book, Breath, is literally changing the way I breathe on a daily basis – and I’m also experimenting with a variety of techniques. (Here are four that I plan to try).

3. GROW

Meditation and mindfulness are all the rage these days, but can I tell you a secret? I’m really bad at it. Sitting still to clear my mind in order to find out what’s in it takes a lot more time and effort than I’m usually able or willing to put into it on a good day, and with the added stresses of a global pandemic and unemployment, it’s just not happening. I can barely stay focused on a podcast I’m interested in without my mind wandering, much less sit still for fifteen minutes trying not to think. (Breathing techniques definitely help with this to some extent, but I’m a long way from being able to just sit still and breathe for long periods of time.)

That said, there are variations on meditation and mindfulness that do work for me. I learn a lot about myself by writing. It’s part of why I started a blog over a decade ago, and why I carry on long chains of email correspondence with friends and mentors who ask thoughtful and insightful questions that I don’t always think to ask myself. 

Paying attention to the things I’ve learned and articulating them helps them stick. Journaling is a great way to process things, too; I personally just find telling someone else what I’ve learned to be more helpful, because it adds a level of accountability to do something about it that journaling simply doesn’t.

Listening to podcasts and reading books that challenge me to think about life in different ways is another gateway to meditation and mindfulness that works well for me. I’m addicted to stories; good storytellers have an artful way of communicating truth in personal ways. For example, Madeleine L’Engle’s A Ring of Endless Light was my first introduction to processing grief; I was in upper elementary school at the time. I still read that book almost once a year, and learn new things from it every time – not because the story has changed, but because I have.

I think we all have a lot to learn during this particular time in history: about ourselves, about the world we’ve participated in building, and about what it will take to fix the systemic flaws in our social, economic, and political structures.  Perhaps the slower pace at which everything is moving by necessity will give us a gift that we often take for granted: time – to dig deep, to find out what needs to change in our lives in order for us to become the people we need to be to create a better world. (Side note: remember to practice self-compassion when you come across those things – change takes time, and that’s okay.)

What is one stride you can take today toward the future? Is it going for a walk, reading a book, calling a friend, learning to breathe? Decide what you can do today to care for yourself during stressful times, and you’ll be one step closer to Becoming Yourself.

Happy is a writer and copy editor, living in Brooklyn, NY. She writes about faith and happiness (among other things) at Simple Felicity, and is currently taking on freelance copy editing projects while looking for full time work. You can find her through her websiteInstagramFacebook, and Twitter. Sign up for her monthly newsletter, Happy Things, for exclusive content and updates.

3 Gifts I Gave Myself on my 50th Birthday: Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Hope

My recent birthday brought to mind this post I originally published in June of 2019. Given all that’s gone on in the first half of 2020, the three gifts I gave myself last year seemed helpful to revisit. I hope they are encouraging to you on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.

I turned fifty years old last week. My wife Lisa and I took a scenic train ride through the Napa Valley countryside and enjoyed a gourmet meal to mark the occasion. I’d always thought this particular birthday would be a momentous milestone, but honestly it didn’t feel like either a big celebration or a sad farewell to my younger days.

That said, hitting the fifty year mark did offer a poignant opportunity for introspection, and since I have a contemplative bent, I did some reflecting. I looked back over where I’ve been in my life. I looked around at where I am. I looked ahead to where I’m going. After all that looking, I decided to give myself three gifts for my fiftieth birthday:

GIFT #1: FORGIVENESS

I gave myself the gift of looking at my past with forgiveness. Forgiveness for my mistakes. For my failures. For the opportunities I’ve squandered. All that looking back brought plenty of those less pleasant memories to mind. I could surrender to shame and regret, but what good would that really do? It wouldn’t help me or anyone else. So, while remembering the lessons those stumbles have taught me, I’m choosing to admit that I’m imperfect and letting myself enjoy the gift of grace, both from God and myself.

GIFT #2: GRATITUDE

I gave myself the gift of looking at my present with gratitude. Gratitude for what I’ve been given. For what I’ve accomplished. For who I’ve become. Like all of us, I’ve had, and continue to have, my problems and struggles, but overall my life is amazing. I have a great family and friends. I’m healthy. I get to do work that I enjoy. I have an exciting and healing relationship with God. I live in a place I love. And while I still have a long way to go, I’ve made good progress on my personal development goals. I have so much to be grateful for. I’m giving myself the gift of gratitude because it makes my problems feel smaller and my life sweeter.

GIFT #3: HOPE

I gave myself the gift of looking at my future with hope. I have no idea what the rest of my life will bring. I may be dead tomorrow. Tragedy could strike in any number of ways in the coming months and years, and I’m sure I will face more hard times. That said, I believe there are exciting adventures ahead. Unexpected joys. Worthwhile endeavors to be attempted and completed. Relationships to be savored and experiences shared. I’m expectant, buoyed by my belief that whatever comes, God has my back and will carry me through (for more on finding hope, see my post here).

So how about you? You don’t need to wait for a special milestone to give yourself these gifts. Do it today. Take just ten minutes to reflect on your life. Start by looking honestly at your past mistakes, failures, and regrets. Then give yourself the gift of FORGIVENESS. Spend the next few minutes looking at the good things about your present, and give yourself the gift of GRATITUDE. Spend some moments looking at your future. Think of the possibilities, experiences, accomplishments, and relationships that await, and give yourself the gift of HOPE. Finish off your time in silence, clearing your thoughts and listening for anything that God, the universe, or your own mind might have to say. If you do, you’ll take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

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