Developing a Better You

Tag: best self (Page 9 of 17)

How to Hold Back an Ocean – Be a Brick in the Wall

I did not want to write this post.

I have readers of differing backgrounds, orientations, spiritual beliefs, political affiliations, etc. The thing that unites us is a desire to grow into better versions of ourselves. That reality makes writing about social issues difficult, especially in our current climate where virtually anything you say about a controversial topic is likely to be used as a political cudgel to beat you with.

I decided to proceed because I think most of us, despite our differences, believe in truth, freedom, dignity, inclusion, equality, love, respect, and compassion. We should be able to talk about how well we’re doing at living out these shared values, both as individuals and a society, without it devolving into a political shouting match. This type of analysis is an issue of personal development. We have to start by being honest about who we are before we can focus on who we want to become.

As I thought about the applicability of this topic to my diverse readership, I realized that it really applies to everyone. Saying a social issue doesn’t impact me if it’s not about my particular group is like finding out I have liver cancer and saying, “That’s the liver’s problem.” It’s impacting me whether I acknowledge it or not. We are all part of the body of humanity.

Albeit poorly, I attempt to follow the example of Jesus. That puts me in a certain group. Some people who claim membership in that same group hold positions that I vehemently disagree with. While I don’t want to be lumped in with them, I recognize the necessity and importance of my group being critiqued for its shortcomings, both from within and without, as uncomfortable as that might be for me. It’s also worth mentioning that while Jesus was kind, gentle, and loving, He was also fiercely confrontational in challenging injustice and hypocrisy, especially among religious leaders and systems.

So I’m about to critique a group. I hope that you’ll clearly hear what I AM saying and, just as importantly, what I’m NOT saying. Here we go.

Police officers willingly sign up to do things I would never want to do. They risk their lives and see the worst of humanity on a daily basis. They have my deep respect, admiration, and gratitude.

I have friends who are police officers. One told me how terrifying it was to run into the darkness toward gunfire. Another shared that he became an officer to help people but feels like all he does is put proverbial Band-Aids on society’s bullet holes. I honor anyone who dons the uniform and believe the large majority of them are good, sincere people who make the world a better, safer place.

That said, for a minority of America’s police force, all lives are not created equal. People with black or brown skin are routinely treated with far less dignity than people with white skin. I used to persuade myself that it was just a few bad apples, but I haven’t been able to accept that lie for a long time now. The repeated killing of unarmed black people by police, and the justice system’s failure to convict the vast majority of those cases, both reveal deep structural and cultural failings in our country.

The killing of George Floyd, a black man under suspicion of forgery, by a white police officer has released an explosion of rage and protests around the world. As I watched the video, my horror was not just that the officer pressed his knee into George’s neck for almost nine minutes as George lay on the ground, subdued and passive, pleading for his life. It wasn’t just that he repeatedly said he couldn’t breathe while calling the officer “sir.” It wasn’t even that bystanders were begging the officer to stop, saying he was killing George.

My true horror came from the calm, detached look on the officer’s face, appearing oblivious to the pleas of the crowd and the weeping of the man under his knee. It came from the three other officers who, by all appearances, did nothing to stop their peer from killing a man as he begged for his life. It came from the fact that they did this in broad daylight, in front of a crowd, with video cameras rolling, as if they believed that nothing would happen to them. That it simply didn’t matter. That George didn’t matter.

I have a good friend who works at a major bank. He is a talented musician who plays faithfully at his church. A loving father and husband. A regular blood donor. He’s generous, smart, and funny. And he doesn’t feel safe taking a stroll in his upper-middle class neighborhood because he’s black.

Some of his white neighbors recently posted on their community’s message board that they are patrolling the streets “locked and loaded” looking for thugs and looters. My friend doesn’t use his own sidewalk because he knows from long experience that people see him not for who he is but for who they fear him to be – a criminal.

Some have made the argument that the Black Lives Matter movement is faulty because all lives matter. I believe this is a misunderstanding of the message. As I heard a black commentator recently explain, the point of Black Lives Matter is not that black people matter more, but that they matter as much. They simply want the same rights, respect, and treatment as white people. Shouldn’t that be the goal? To live in a society that values all of its citizens equally?

Jane Elliott, a white school teacher and anti-racism educator, stood before a largely white audience in a packed auditorium. She asked for any white person who would be happy to be treated like our society generally treats our black citizens to please stand. Unsurprisingly, no one stood. She said this plainly reveals that “you know what’s happening, you know you don’t want it for you. I want to know why you’re so willing to accept it or to allow it to happen for others?” 

As a privileged, white, straight, cisgender male, I’ve never had to face any significant marginalization or oppression. I don’t claim to speak for people of color or their experience. I only seek to stand beside them. For change. For justice. For respect. For dignity. For equality.

If you share my feelings, what can you do? Addressing a huge, systemic injustice issue feels like trying to hold back the ocean with a single brick. You can’t. But you can add your brick to the wall. And a strong enough wall can hold back a raging sea.

So thank police officers who faithfully live out their oath to protect and serve, but also raise your voice when you see injustice. Stand in solidarity with people of color. When they tell you that racism is still a huge problem in America, believe them. Contact your local and state representatives expressing your support for police and judicial reform (here’s a guide, then simply search “how to contact my mayor / governor / representative / senator…”). Donate to organizations that fight for racial justice like the Equal Justice Initiative (EJI). Step back from any unquestioned political party allegiance you may have, and vote for those who back policies supporting equality, inclusion, justice, accountability, truth, love, and compassion. If you do, you’ll help heal our society and take another step toward Becoming Yourself.

What I’ve Learned About Myself from Writing 100 Personal Development Posts

This is my 100th personal development blog post. I took some time to reflect on the journey to this personal milestone, and here are a few things that stood out:

1. I’m GRATEFUL

I’m grateful to you who read. Some of you have been with me from the beginning and stuck with me through my stumbling. While there’s a cathartic journaling aspect to my writing, I would not have come this far without you walking beside me. I am deeply thankful for you.

2. I’m HUMBLED

Some of you have shared that what I’ve written about my struggles and what I’ve learned has helped you on your own journey. Those comments surprise me every time. They are the wind in my sails that keeps me writing. Each of our lives are unique, yet when we share our very personal stories, I’m amazed how often they strike a universal chord in all of us. Our similarities shine brighter than our differences.

3. I’m PROUD

I’m proud of myself for starting this blog when I was afraid (Do I have anything meaningful to say? Who would read it? What if I embarrass myself and fail?) and for sticking with it, putting my thoughts into the world 100 times.

4. I’m SAFE

If you’ve read much of what I’ve written here, you’ll know that I find my deepest hope, meaning, and identity in my relationship with God. As I look back over the life experiences I’ve cataloged in these 100 posts, I feel a deep sense of safety. Not an isolation from pain, doubt, and struggle, but a realization that I’m held in the midst of them. That I never face them alone. I have confidence and peace that in the end, whatever twists my path may take, God has my back, and ultimately everything is going to be okay.

So how about you? Occasionally taking a few quiet moments to simply look back on your life is a great personal development tool. If you reflect on the last few years of your life, what stands out? What significant milestones have you experienced, both good and bad? What lessons have they taught you about yourself, others, the world, and, if applicable to you, God? How can remembering and applying those lessons help you today? I pray those reflections bring you peace, meaning, and hope as they propel you on your journey toward Becoming Yourself.

Feeling Stressed? Here’s a Simple Way to Find Some Peace

My recent bout with coronavirus blues reminded me of stressful week I had a few months ago before the pandemic induced lockdown. I had to deal with a complicated tax issue. We got an unexpected $1000 medical bill when a “should have been free” screening was rejected by our insurance. Our credit card number was stolen by someone having a lot of fun in Florida at our expense. We learned of some serious problems with our rental house. Then the wall air conditioning unit in our apartment suddenly gushed water – again.

I’m normally pretty zen about these kinds of problems. Everyone has issues to deal with, and none of those struggles were unique to us. But having them crammed together in one week drove me over my limit, leaving me cursing and frustrated with a dark cloud over my head.

The next day I served lunch at a homeless shelter. I didn’t want to go, but it’s something I’ve committed to working into my routine. As I walked to the shelter, a man ahead of me on the sidewalk suddenly turned and jumped toward me, yelling something I couldn’t understand. At first I felt startled and defensive, but as I walked away, I wondered what kind of struggles he must be facing to act that way.

A few minutes later, I said hello to a disheveled woman who looked lost and forlorn. She said in a quiet voice that she knows I probably don’t care but she’d had a really rough night and was hoping to buy a drink at the 7-11 next door. I normally donate to charitable organizations where it can have the most impact, but I gave her some money, unable to imagine what it’s like to be a woman living alone on the streets.

At the homeless shelter, I spent three hours serving food to hundreds of people who had nowhere else to turn. White, black, brown, seniors, children, women, men. Poverty is no respecter of race, age, or gender.

On my walk home, a young man standing on the sidewalk reached out to fist bump me and asked where I went to college. He said he’d studied at Harvard, Oxford, Brown, and Le Cordon Bleu. During our conversation, he explained that he lived at the house we were standing in front of which was, as best as I could make out, a home for mentally challenged adults.

As I stood on our balcony that evening, I realized how much my negative feelings had changed. None of my problems had gone away, but as I compared them to those of the people I’d encountered that day, they seemed so small. I whispered a prayer for those I’d met and thanked God for my wonderful life.

So when the inevitable struggles come your way, take some time to acknowledge your understandable pain and frustration. But when you’re tempted to linger there, open your eyes and heart to the suffering of others. If you do, you’ll find some peace, and take another step towards Becoming Yourself.

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